What schools are effective in minimizing "mean girl" behavior?

[Anonymous]

When visiting my extended family over the holidays, I was dismayed to notice a nasty "mean girl" streak rearing its head in my 5-y.o-niece vis-a-vis my 3-y.o.-DD. She refused to let DD play with any of her toys when DD politely asked, she gave DD the cold shoulder whenever she asked her what she was doing, and she bent over backwards to be nice to my 1-y.o.-DS in front of my DD while completely ignoring DD. My niece attends her (very well-regarded) local public school, where she and her friends are engrossed in High School Musical, Hannah Montana, the Bratz Girls, and the like, which I personally find inappropriate for 5-year-olds. She thought my DD's taste in music -- Sesame Street and the like-- was "for babies" and "weird." I've become alarmed at how the mean girl dynamic can seep into girls at such a young age and seek a school environment for my DD where these influences are minimized. Of course parental vigilance plays the biggest role in this equation but school also matters. My question: are there any private or public schools that are especially effective in nipping mean-girl behavior in the bud, (i.e., through effective character education or other behavioral rules/guidelines), or espouse a school culture that discourages cliquishness and encourages inclusiveness? Also any school where the kids are less inclined to buy into the whole commercialized Bratz-girl machine? Or is this unavoidable?

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 year old daughter. She attends a public school in the District. She is not allowed to watch the Disney Channel, High School Musical, or Hannah Montana. In fact, our TV has been broken for some time now, and we haven't gotten around to buying a new one so for the last couple of months she hasn't watched any TV. And guess what, she is obsessed with High School Musical and Hannah Montana! She learns about songs from other kids, and sees the toys, etc. when we go to Target. I think the 5 year old age is very impressionable, and I constantly try to work on things like empathy, not teasing, and being kind. Despite my constant efforts, I notice that as a developmental stage, girls at 5 are starting to experiment with being friends and NOT being friends based on whims. For example, play dates where tears develop because someone said, "You are not my friend." I hope my continued vigilance, along with limiting what my daughter experiences in her own house, will be enough to turn her into a kind child.

Finally, I am amazed when she is around 7 year olds at the major differences in development, social interactions, and maturity. (Both the good and the bad) I'm sure part of your experience with having your 3 year old around a 5 year old is a sense of, "Oh my gosh, is this what is coming!!??" My experience thus far is that some of it you can control (home environment), and some of it you can't. I don't believe that her school is better or worse than any other school out there at limiting this type of behavior since I know the girls in my daughter's class and they all seem like nice children.

No words of wisdom, other than try to stay on top of character development. I do this by using discipline at home when I see my daughter do something in appropriate (like not using manners, not sharing with her brother, etc) and by modeling good behavior.

[Anonymous]

I have to admit that I am shocked that 5 year old girls are obsessed with Hannah Montana, HSM, etc... My 5 year old daughter, who has a 8 year old brother, barely even knows what those tween pop culture things are. None of her friends do either. For God's sake they ARE babies and should like "babyish" things. I would never let either of my children watch either of those or anythign else in that genre. Both my kids still watch Noggin and love it (yes, even my 8 year old even though he likes more sophisticated fare, too) as do most of their friends (except the ones with tween sibs). Its is utterly inappropriate and clearly not intended for children that young. I know I will get flamed for this but it is one reason, admittedly among many, that we choose private school over public. Its a well-known NWDC private. None of my 5 year old PKers friends, or her K friends are into this type of tween pop culture. The 2nd grade girls are but, its pretty low key. Frankly, the only little girls (4,5, 6) I know who are into this stuff are those in public school - girls we know from other activities/classes.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. Seems like they are two very separate issues--tween pop culture and mean girl behavior. I don't think they are mutually inclusive, and in fact very different issues.

I guess the previous poster believes you can pay your way into a shielded environment, although not clear on whether just keeping out pop culture or if private school girls aren't mean either. Don't know if that is true or not. My experience in the Mont. Co. school system is that you can do your best in your home environment, and then your child runs out into the world and chooses friends based on their own personality. My daughter (age 6) is not obsessed with HSM or Hannah Montana, but has friends who are. I allow her to watch some Disney Channel by the way, but she is more into volcanos and Discovery Channel right now.

Everything in moderation.

[Anonymous]

And I attended a "well-known NWDC private" with the meanest girls I've ever known. You have just chosen to surround your daughter with wealthier mean girls. You are doing your child a disservice to assume that this stuff does not go on in private school--they might not be into Bratz dolls but there will be many other ways in which the girls will pull rank, put down, etc.

[Anonymous]

Only school I heard any mention of 'mean girls' issue was CHDS where they were very explicit about how this was inappropriate and was not tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Seems like they are two very separate issues--tween pop culture and mean girl behavior. I don't think they are mutually inclusive, and in fact very different issues.

True. And call me naive but if my sister's/brother's child acted that way toward mine, I wouldn't question the school the kid goes to. I would wonder what kind of behavior is being modeled at home. Because if I saw my 5-year-old treating her 3-year-old cousin that way, we would be "having a talk" about how we treat our cousins.

OP, I don't know if this is your intention because I certainly don't question your desire to find a school that discourages mean girl behavior and conspicuous consumption. But are you attributing your niece's behavior to the school? Or is it just that your niece's behavior started you thinking about school environments?

[Anonymous]

To answer OP's question ... Sheridan School

[Anonymous]

I haven't run across the incursion of tween culture into the kindergartners at our MoCo public school, nor the presence of mean girls yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer OP's question ... Sheridan School

How do they do it?

[Anonymous]

NO school will prevent meanness, or anything else. If you have a strong family message, that is your best defense. Get ready...music is only the beginning.

[Anonymous]

College.


Some of the "mean girl" qualities you described are also 5-year-old qualities that can exist without Hannah Montana and in the best schools. I think that so much attention goes to the terrible twos (which happened at 3 for my kid) that we are shocked by the other unattractive but natural phases that happen along the way. I've found that some 5-year-olds develop a tyrannical streak, and that it goes away with time. You have to watch how you respond and make sure that you're not in a school that makes it worse, but it does happen. My kid is a total tomboy who prefers basketball to ballet and wouldn't put on a dress at knifepoint, but she throws some of the same attitude as the Hannah Montana girls. It's not hard to keep that in check. And count days until she grows out of it.

[Anonymous]

10:56 here. I was not suggesting that there is not mean girl behvaior in private school. That would be a ludicrous assumption. Mean girls are every where and as parents it is absolutely our responsibility to address it directly and repeatedly as our daughters grow-up. It is behavior that should not be tolerated, not by parents, not by school faculty and not by our daughters themselves. I did not address the mean girl part at all in my first post as I was just in shock at 5 year old knowing all about Hannah Montanna and HSM and Bratz dolls and thinking it was uncool to like Sesame Street. I agree with 11:22 that they are separate issues. Although, thinking about it more, the tween culture media generally plays up the role of mean girls in a "Hollywood" way (e.g., making them the rich girls or the pretty girls or the popular girls but still girls who get what they deserve in the end) so maybe that is where some girls first "observe" others acting this way and are modeling their behavior on it. Just one more reason I will keep my kids' expeosure to the popular mass media regulated by me for as long as possible.

Second issue, of course I do not think you can, now what was the charming way that PP put it, "pay your way into a shielded environment" but, for some reason, public school kids seem, in general, to be exposed to more popculture trends at a younger age than most private school kids. Yes, this is based largely on personal experience through my own schooling and the children I know today and, I do think in Washington, DC there is probably less of a distinction than in other parts of the country based mostly on the levels of education of parents and available resources to the family in WDC. I have some theories on why this distinction exists and some of them certainly are socio-economic but others are not. Most of the theories are pretty obvious and have been discussed in many articles on education and parenting so I do not need go into them here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:56 here. I was not suggesting that there is not mean girl behvaior in private school. That would be a ludicrous assumption. Mean girls are every where and as parents it is absolutely our responsibility to address it directly and repeatedly as our daughters grow-up. It is behavior that should not be tolerated, not by parents, not by school faculty and not by our daughters themselves. I did not address the mean girl part at all in my first post as I was just in shock at 5 year old knowing all about Hannah Montanna and HSM and Bratz dolls and thinking it was uncool to like Sesame Street. I agree with 11:22 that they are separate issues. Although, thinking about it more, the tween culture media generally plays up the role of mean girls in a "Hollywood" way (e.g., making them the rich girls or the pretty girls or the popular girls but still girls who get what they deserve in the end) so maybe that is where some girls first "observe" others acting this way and are modeling their behavior on it. Just one more reason I will keep my kids' expeosure to the popular mass media regulated by me for as long as possible.

Second issue, of course I do not think you can, now what was the charming way that PP put it, "pay your way into a shielded environment" but, for some reason, public school kids seem, in general, to be exposed to more popculture trends at a younger age than most private school kids. Yes, this is based largely on personal experience through my own schooling and the children I know today and, I do think in Washington, DC there is probably less of a distinction than in other parts of the country based mostly on the levels of education of parents and available resources to the family in WDC. I have some theories on why this distinction exists and some of them certainly are socio-economic but others are not. Most of the theories are pretty obvious and have been discussed in many articles on education and parenting so I do not need go into them here.

I don't think that the generalization can stand. Ward Three is full of parents (like me) who keep pop culture at bay, and our kids are in public schools. On the other hand, there are many well-off parents who are perfectly happy with pop culture but do private school. I have seen private school kids who, thanks to their parents' wealth, get everything they want including video games and all the pop culture they can consume. It's just not possible to generalize.

Also, mean girls and pop cultue really are unrelated. I went to a girls' school in the 80s. This was before there was much 'tween' culture, but we were absolutely less involved in the latest fads than our public school counterparts, largely because of our uniforms. Just as many people watched 90210, though. And this place-- a great school with a strong track record on college acceptance and sports performance-- was a pit of vipers. Single-sex education is great, but the mean girl thing can actually intensify when there are no boys watching.

Or so my therapist says.

[Anonymous]

90210 (both the original and the new version) is a perfect example of how Hollywood glamorizes mean girl behavior. Talk about a perfect show on which to model such behavior. Other 80s shows that Hollywood-ize mean girls that come to mind are Facts of Life and Square Pegs and Little House on the Prarie. Yes, I bet there were mean girls before tv even existed, or at least since before the media mammoth we call Hollywood existed but, dis-avowing any connection between these types of shows and behavior exihibited by young, impressionable girls is irresoponsible.