DH taking over many of my roles...but...
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Anonymous
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DH has been incredibly supportive of my taking a lesser paying job that requires much more time and energy from me - but one that will help me pursue my long term career goals (and will be financial lucrative at that point). In the process, DH has transitioned to working from home and taking on a lot of the household and childcare duties and cooking. For the most part he is fine. He is excellent with DD, relatively positive, is available for house related issues.
But, he is messy and unclean, and it drives me insane. I mean, as grateful as I am for all the effort he's put in, I don't understand why he can't clean up crumbs or spills or put away dirty dishes. I don't have time anymore. It's been causing a lot of arguments. My drop in income makes me feel like we can't afford a housekeeper, but I don't have time to clean the floors and vacuum all the time. DH will claim he cleaned the floor, but it will turn out to be a tiny spot in the kitchen because DD dropped something. Then he wants me to be super excited that he "cleaned the floor." WTF. Any suggestions to make him feel appreciated while at the same time emphasizing basic cleaning tasks? |
Anonymous
Be happy for what you have. Many women work and does everything at home too. No one will do things exactly the same as you. |
Anonymous
| I don't think those sound like "basic cleaning tasks." You sound quite anal-retentive. So what if some crumbs stay on the floor? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you need the cleaning service. If you don't have time to clean yourself and your DH's inability to do it to your standards is causing fights, hiring help is a necessity, not a luxury. |
Anonymous
Or she could have a DH like mine. He works from home. I quite often come home to dinner in the oven and the house spotless. What person wants to walk around on dirty floors and crumbs all over counters. Takes 5min to wipe something down. Its called being a responsible grown up man. Not a grown man child. |
Anonymous
| You really don't have the time to sweep the floor or put dishes in the dishwasher? This takes a minute or two. |
Anonymous
| If it doesn't take much time then the DW who is complaining could just do it instead of taking the time to complain. |
Anonymous
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Don't nitpick your husband, it kills a marriage.
You will 15 min to spot clean your house everyday and only worry about the mess then. You will re-program yourself to live in the moment instead of freaking out about spots on the floor or crumbs. When you start making more, you will hire a cleaner. |
Anonymous
This. You sound insufferable, OP. You knew before your roles changed that your husband doesn't clean to your standards. He's trying. Where are you compromising because I don't see it. Hire the cleaner or take 15-30 mins to clean everyday. You have time. |
Anonymous
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I'm a sahm (work part time 10 hours a week) and I've never been a good housekeeper. I cook a ton from scratch, I clean the kitchen after myself, but sometimes I don't see clutter, I only sweep under the dining room table every other day, even though it could use every day. I spend my time with my kids, going to playgrounds and nature centers, play dates, libraries. We do arts and crafts and play board games and read together a ton. The more I push myself to have a super clean house (and I go in phases) the less time I have with my kids or my dh (at night after the kids go to bed).
Lower your expectations, accept that you have an amazing supportive husband, choose sex over getting the house in perfect order after the kids go to bed. What will you remember on your death bed? Your perfect house? Or your amazing relationship with your dh? |
Anonymous
| Life is full of trade-offs. It sounds like he's a good man, albeit messy and not up for cleaning to your standards. Not a lot of men would change their career to support their wife's ambitions, especially if it meant a drop in the household income. I'd focus on appreciating him instead of criticizing him, and find a compromise on cleaning that works. |
Anonymous
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You do have to change your standards, but the crumbs on the table, counter and floor can lead to mice/bugs. We've had a lot of ants lately, and we have had mice, too. So, I would address it that way with your DH.
My DH does this, too. If I cook, he will clean up, but his standard of cleaning is lower than mine. He leaves a pool of water on the counter next to the sink. Sometimes, I go back in the kitchen to do something else, and then end up cleaning up after his cleanup. I've asked him to wipe down the table several times, but he forgets. It's just not a priority to him, although when we do have ants/mice, it's him that has to deal with it, but all of us suffer it. |
Anonymous
| Let it go, OP. he's working too, he's not a SAHD. |
Anonymous
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I would figure out what the bare minimum standards are for your household and then figure out how to get them met. Know that it will not be perfect. For me, I might spend a little more to have tons of paper plates on hands so that after meal cleanup includes basically no dishes, and you can then manage to wipe counters and tabletops thoroughly. Sweep and swiffer at the end of the day. I can handle laundry sitting in piles waiting to be folded and I can handle a binof dust on the bookshelves and i can handle bathrooms that only get thoroughly clean twice a month, but I need the playroom fairly organized and I need the kitchen tidy.
What that means is that every morning I unload the dishwasher so that it is easy for us to put dishes in as we go, we use way too many paper towels because we grab one and wipe down the counter after every meal prep, and I spend 15 minutes every night sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor. The kids' toys are kept in bins and we enforce a one-bin-at-a-time rule, and we have a 15-minute family tidy-up/cleaning session before dinner every night to get their stuff basically put away. While I do kitchen floors, DH does dishes, and then we each do one more chore--wipe down the bathroom with lysol wipes, rotate laundry, pack lunches, vaccuum the LR, etc. total we spend 20 minutes each night maintaining and then spend 2 hours every other saturday doing stuff like vaccuuming the entire house, cleaning bathrooms, etc. |
Anonymous
| You women have such low standards. No wonder you all are miserably married and sexless. |