My mother buys god-awful, unnecessary presents

[Anonymous]

My mother is always buying people gifts.
I appreciate her kindness but wish she wouldn't for two reasons.

1. She is flat broke and going deeper into debt everyday. My mother is disabled and survives on SSI Disability. She can barely afford her necessities.
She got herself approved for a credit card with a 25% APR.
She charges things like dinners out, gifts and cable television.
It drives me batty. She can't even afford the minimum payment and sees no problem with what she is doing.

2. She buys CRAP. I appreciate the fact that she wants to buy me gifts.
The thought and intention behind the gifts are wonderful.
She buys my sister and I clothes. We insist she not, as they never fit and are never our style.
She called me last night and told me that she is buying us Tshirts with our last name and family crest.
I insisted she not spend her money and she gave me the old "I'll do what I want" speech.
I will never wear this. The stuff she sends us goes straight into the trash or gets donated immediately.

My mom is 54 and had 2 massive strokes 12 years ago due to drug abuse.
She has very limited mobility. My sister and I also live over 1,000 miles from her.
I know she is lonely and buying these gifts is a way for her to show her love.
I just don't want to see her go deeper into debt.
I have tried to get her into counselling and she flat refuses. There's no way in hell that will happen.
I encourage her to make friends in her disabled-living community. She won't do that either.
She only wants to online shop and play computer BINGO.
What am I supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

Can you find an elder care attorney in the area where she lives and have a consult (with your sister too, ideally)?

Eventually this will all fall apart, and it would be good for you to know your options now in terms of declaring bankruptcy, being able to get aid for her to stay in some kind of nursing facility, etc. That type of lawyer should be able to tell you the circumstances under which she could be labeled incompetent.

Are there any social workers associated with her disabled-living community? That would be another resource.

When this blows up, I imagine you might be able to take more control of her finances or at least get power of attorney. But you might not be able to do much until then--that was our recent experience with a relative with untreated mental illness related to compulsive shopping and hoarding.

[Anonymous]

^^ following up

The other thing you need is a bit of a slush fund of cash and PTO to be able to deal with the eventual emergency when it comes.

[Anonymous]

hi, OP,

I have a mom who does similar things and it is very frustrating. She is not in debt but I've watched her spend away a lot of money.

I think there are two things going on:

1) what can you *do* about your mom's behavior, and

2) how can you feel better in dealing with your mom?

No. 2 is much easier to control. I find I'm much happier now that I've just decided that not only does all this crap she gives us goes into the trash or donate pile, as you did, but also I've stopped telling her this, stopped fighting when I get three bags of crap to put in my car after seeing her, or boxes arriving in the mail. I just say, Thanks, Mom! and be done with it.

No 1; that is tougher and I'm going to look at the other replies with you and maybe get an idea!

[Anonymous]

PP has lots of good points. Can you try to get her to Skype with you regularly to help a bit with the loneliness and cut into her online bingo/shopping time? Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will not seek power of attorney over my mother, I will not consult an attorney on her behalf nor will I spend a dime helping her. This may sound harsh, but there is a long, terrible history between my mother and I.
I was asking how to deal with this on an emotional level.
Thank you 9:10. I have gotten to the point where I am realizing that I can't stop her from buying this stuff and am just driving myself nuts. I suppose I do need to adopt a "Thanks for all this crap" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Using willpower, decide that Mother is doing the best she has with what she's got. You have come a long way in spite of all her problems. Sounds as if she's trying to get you to visit more; she's very lonely and paying the price of her drugging days and dysfunctional relationships.

Just decide to be gracious and kind....it's like she's the kid and you're the parent, and it feels messed up because it is. She needs hugs if you can spare them...the hugs you needed back then. She may have only ever achieved the maturity of a 12-year-old before she started using drugs...hang in there, OP. Know you are not the only one.