one sibling opposed to assisted living for elderly parent
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Anonymous
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Three adult siblings. Two live in the DC area, and elderly parent lived in the home of one mostly independent. But after a long hospital stay and some health problems that came on fast, elderly parent now needs help using the bathroom. Two DC siblings think it is time for assisted living.
But, the sibling who lives across the country is adamantly opposed to assisted living as too expensive. That sibling stands to get the bulk of Dad's estate due to being much less financially stable than the DC siblings. DC siblings and their spouses are unable to provide round the clock bathroom assistance. The answer seems clear, just venting and want to see if others have faced this. |
Anonymous
| You gotta help him so it looks like the 2 in the majority need to push for either in home care or assisted living. Doesn't Dad get a vote? Which does he want? It's his life and his money, needs to be spent on him and his needs. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Have you looked into a home health care aide? The trend now is to age in place and have services come to you.
Is your father capable of making a decision? If so, what does he want? Otherwise, I would say it is the sibling that is currently providing a home to father to say whether or not he can stay with them any longer. |
Anonymous
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So your father wants to stay in the sibling's house? What if you hire a geriatric assistant to come in and take care of him? How much would that cost compared to assisted living? I would have thought it was cheaper. I agree, the sibling far away gets less say than the siblings who are taking care of the father, unless the sibling far away is also contributing financially to his care. |
Anonymous
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Isn't the point of your father working and saving all his life that he will be taken care of properly in his old age? And not so that your sibling can get a lot of money if dad will either suck it up and sacrifice in his old age or hurry up and die?
Do what makes your father most comfortable in his old age, as comfortable as he can afford. If he dies with all his assets zeroed out, so be it. Your sibling is an able bodied adult who can make his own wealth. |
Anonymous
| Haven't dealt with that exact situation, but comparable ones. Everyone basically just started ignoring the uncooperative, freeloading (because that's what he is, if he's not helping and doesn't want the money spent to get help) sibling and moved forward with appropriate action. It sucked, because the parent was still in touch with the freeloader, who would undermine what the sensible siblings were trying to do, but eventually it worked out. |
Anonymous
The 24-7, one on one home health aide is much, much more costly than living in an assisted living facility. Having an aide come for bathing could be scheduled, but an aide would need to be present round the clock for toileting. Dad could not afford this 24-7, one-on-one service for long. He can afford a nearby assisted living, however, which runs much less - about $3500 per month. That costs less because of economies of scale - home health aides there can be on call to help many people, instead of waiting around one-on-one for toileting assistance. Dad is of sound mind but has trouble communicating now. We know he is sad at his mortality and loss of independence at this latest stage. We are sad too. However we truly cannot provide the toileting assistance 24-7, even if we and our spouses were comfortable with it. We all work and lots of toileting, bedpan assistance is required round the clock. Out of state sibling is vehemently opposed to any paid care option for Dad. |
Anonymous
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Well, then...
Out of state sibling has no voice in this if that is his approach. |
Anonymous
| Thank you 8:56 and 9:06 - you get it. Thank you for letting me vent and hearing me. |
Anonymous
Has freeloader offered any reasonable solutions to the problem? If so, even if the solutions aren't feasible, there may be room to sit down and discuss the situation to get them on board. If not, just stop involving freeloader in the discussions. You don't get a seat at the table if you're not willing to engage. I'm so sorry. This is such a difficult situation even when everyone is working together, having a roadblock like that makes it so much worse. |
Anonymous
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Out of state sibling needs to shut his yap unless he wants to take dad in and care for him. The amount of assets your dad leaves behind should have ZERO effect on the decision about what's best for your dad. Of course everybody wishes your dad wasn't in the shape he's in, but denial is not going to lead to the best outcome for him. I'm betting your sibling just doesn't get it. Maybe he should come visit for two weeks and do all the caretaking for your dad, so he can see what it's actually like.
I'm sorry you and your family are facing this, OP. |
Anonymous
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It's up to the elder - they decide - they decide legally, they sign. I assume they have not been declared incompetent.
Promote what you think is best. Assisted living is a reasonable decision. People shouldn't be faulted for reasonable decisions. I'm not military but I like the expression - Boots On The Ground. This sibling is not here. Unless they are here, they are offering no solution - no solution they can manage from that distance. |
Anonymous
| Far away sib who offers no support or solution gets no cote. One of you locals needs to get POA and find out your dad's wishes before all communication with dad slips away. Ignore foreign sibling. |
Anonymous
| Then out of state sibling can come pick up Dad and care for him and has 24 hours to get there and pick up Dad. |