So frustrated by my mother!

[Anonymous]

A little perspective and insight would be very helpful.

I am so angry at my parents, mainly my mother. They live far away.
She has had Multiple Sclerosis ever since she was a young adult, a particularly slow form, with very rare crises. Now at 64 she can still walk without aid, even though her hands are badly affected and she has difficulty preparing and eating meals. She can't sign her name.
She has always been extremely retiring, has refused to go to local MS meetings, and decided against physical therapy, even though it is a proven form of motor-neuron maintenance which keeps muscles functional for longer.

Now she has just admitted to me that on two recent occasions she nearly drowned in the sea during beach vacations because she found herself in deep water and her legs would not work. The lifeguard had to fish her out. I don't know what my father was thinking letting her get in the second time.

This is a warning sign that she won't be able to walk at all in a few years.
I told her on the phone that intensive physical therapy would, even now, prolong her quality of life, and push the wheelchair much further into the future. Not only that, but it could reverse a little of the hand tremors that are handicapping her so badly now. If only she had done physical therapy all throughout her life! As an MS patient, she is very lucky to have the functionality she has, why tempt fate by not even working on things that could have been worked on and squandering all this time?

So she replies: "oh we'll see..." which is code for "no". But she never refuses. She can even say yes and not follow through, just to get me off her back. And my father just lets her do whatever she wants.

Grrr. DH is a doctor and has already tried to explain things to her, to no avail. He says lots of patients can never get out of denial.
I don't understand her at all, and it upsets me.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. It's hard to help a parent who won't help themselves. Just love her and try to accept that this is her decision.

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP.

My mother has some severe mental health problems and refuses any and all help. No therapy, meds, nothing. It's horrible.

[Anonymous]

She wants to live her life the way she wants. She gets to do this. Leave her alone. You are only emphasizing a divide between you (even if the divide is you are more reasonable)

Probably PT would remind her every day of her condition. Who knows? I know it's silly to avoid it. But the point is - stop it. Especially older people get unreasonable and especially quirky. If not MS it probably would be something else.

[Anonymous]

Can you go with her to PT?

Can you help her find a good PT?

Speaking from experience, not every PT is good. Finding a good PT is an art, not a science. Also, this is basically an intimate relationship. She is allowing another adult to place hands all over her body in a way she may not have allowed for years, even with your father. That's a lot of trust. Can you research for her who the really good PTs are in her/your community? There are a lot of quacks, OP, and you don't want her going to a quack.

It's really easy to get angry at her for not doing this. But there are a lot of steps involved and depression is part of any illness but moreso part of MS. You have a bias here against noncompliance because your husband is an MD. I think you need to be on her side and understand what's holding her back and help her, not blow up.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I know it must be maddening and terrible to watch your parent choose not to care for her health. But all you can do is tell her what you think and feel, and make your heartfelt recommendations. Ultimately it's her choice and you have zero control. If she hasn't listened to the doctors and therapists who specialize in the treatment of MS then she won't listen to anybody and there's nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

OP my FIL had hip replacement surgery. He did the bare minimum PT for recovery AND suffered a big fall which he didn't go to the doctor for. Now he is in as much pain as before the surgery and is distrusting and angry at the doctors since it didn't "work" like we all told him it would. I am so angry at him. He is basically giving up. So, no advice, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

In a similar situation with aging parents. But my mom has always been "my way or the highway" so nothing I can do or say makes any difference about her current medical situations. She's choosing to spend her final years making herself miserable and I can't prevent it or ameliorate it.
So, therapy for me. Nothing else I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my FIL had hip replacement surgery. He did the bare minimum PT for recovery AND suffered a big fall which he didn't go to the doctor for. Now he is in as much pain as before the surgery and is distrusting and angry at the doctors since it didn't "work" like we all told him it would. I am so angry at him. He is basically giving up. So, no advice, just sympathy.

Minus the fall, this is my mother following her knee replacement surgeries (both knees). It's maddening.

[Anonymous]

I would try to view it the same sense an alcoholic - they cant get the help they need unless they want it. No matter how much you push or want it for them. She knows what she needs, she knows what is available to her and its up to her to decide to change.
Sorry you have to watch her do this to herself, OP.

[Anonymous]

I understand your being upset. You've done all you can do. There is nothing more you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to view it the same sense an alcoholic - they cant get the help they need unless they want it. No matter how much you push or want it for them. She knows what she needs, she knows what is available to her and its up to her to decide to change.
Sorry you have to watch her do this to herself, OP.

Ridiculous. She has physical challenges. She needs OP's help. Leaving her on her own to manage this is incredibly unsupportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I know it must be maddening and terrible to watch your parent choose not to care for her health. But all you can do is tell her what you think and feel, and make your heartfelt recommendations. Ultimately it's her choice and you have zero control. If she hasn't listened to the doctors and therapists who specialize in the treatment of MS then she won't listen to anybody and there's nothing you can do.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I know it must be maddening and terrible to watch your parent choose not to care for her health. But all you can do is tell her what you think and feel, and make your heartfelt recommendations. Ultimately it's her choice and you have zero control. If she hasn't listened to the doctors and therapists who specialize in the treatment of MS then she won't listen to anybody and there's nothing you can do.

This.

+1. If you find that you can't stop being mad at her or badgering her about the issue then it is time for you to go see someone that you can talk to. You can't make her do anything. Your father can't make her do anything- is he supposed to somehow force her to go to and participate in physical therapy? Your doctor DH can't make her do anything. She's had numerous doctors for years and hasn't taken their advice.

[Anonymous]

She has the right to make stupid decisions.