Birth Order - if you are the youngest in your family, please chime in

[Anonymous]

Fellow youngest offspring in their family, I need your input/support. DH's mother does not seem to realize his actual age (older than she was when she had him), and tries to treat him as if he is still 10 years old. I need to know what fellow youngest offspring in their family have done to correct this problem. In other words, I really don't need posters who are NOT the youngest in their family to pile it on, thanks anyway.

I am looking for problem solving ideas, ways to be short and sweet when DH is attacked for no reason, doubted, ordered around, demanded from, told what to do, constantly taken down a few pegs rather needlessly, etc. I think the problem is that DH is too nice and also too generous with his family. The mom is kind of on the bitter side, and tends to not treat DH as if he is as much part of the family. As far as I know, there is no real reason for this, other than she may need a scapegoat for her perception of her life. For example, she treats strangers as if they are more family than DH (I am a by product, apparently, but I try to take her with a grain of salt, as she is less significant to me). As for me, I try, I am kind, but I keep it brief.

I realize DH should be standing up to her, but he tries to be kind because of her age. She has always been this way, and it is getting worse. As I mentioned, I believe she takes advantage of his kindness and generosity. Ideas?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if he is the youngest. It matters that he personally has never stood up to his mom and established himself as an adult to her. You can't fix this if he won't stand up for himself.

[Anonymous]

I am the youngest and have never been treated in the way that you describe. I agree that this is not a birth order issue. It's a question of him standing up to her and meaning it.

[Anonymous]

I'm the youngest and my family treats me like shit. Criticizes me, doesn't loop me in on decision-making, excludes me. I don't think I'll ever be able to change that. I wouldn't attempt to if I were you.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the youngest, and he is not treated this way. I am the youngest of 4, but my mom talks down to all of us (age range 45 to 51). I agree with other PP. It's not the birth order, but the person. Your DH needs to be a man. Sorry. But, if his mom is quite old, then you know this will come to an end pretty soon. Like you said, this may be why he doesn't do anything about it. But if it affects you directly, then you should talk to him, and he should man up.

[Anonymous]

How does she take advantage? How exactly?

He can't correct the imbalance without risking that his mommy won't like him - for awhile. It might be short, it might be years. That's the problem, there's not much time to correct this. I think all he can do is control his time with her. He can leave the room. He can screen his calls. He can't owe her anything, or expect anything from her. That will help equalize the relationship.

I am the youngest. I can tell you that my brothers have a hard time treating me as a peer. It's hard to get equal consideration. I know they'd always 'take care' of me, they adore me, but I'd much rather be on equal footing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the youngest and have never been treated in the way that you describe. I agree that this is not a birth order issue. It's a question of him standing up to her and meaning it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is this a DH birth order problem, or a MIL problem?

I suspect that you perceive this as an issue but your husband does not. If he wants to correct his mother's behavior toward himself, it's on him. Otherwise, it's really your problem with his mother. A MIL issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter if he is the youngest. It matters that he personally has never stood up to his mom and established himself as an adult to her. You can't fix this if he won't stand up for himself.

This is pretty much it. If your DH doesn't see a problem, then you don't need to see one for him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. If I had to delve into it further, I would say that his siblings are jealous, and perhaps his mother, too. So perhaps it is not a birth order question, as PP's indicated.

I would have to be the one to stand up to her, as he has not done it in this many years, so I would not expect it anytime soon. He has been through therapy. Ideally, therapy would be with his whole family, but that is not going to happen.

I praise him in front of them; and thankfully, he would not be where is without their animosity, so I suppose that is all I can ask for at this point.

[Anonymous]

I'm puzzled what you think this has to do with birth order. This is him getting walked on by his family. I think. It's hard to tell what's going on from your description. You're giving too much analysis, not enough information.

[Anonymous]

I'm the youngest and my ideas are often ignored. Then the family "comes up" with my idea and ignores when I'm like yes, that's what I said. I'm 37 and they think I'm immature even though that's based on nothing.

So I use it to my advantage and make it work for me. Divide and conquer, OP. That's the way to go. Break up the force by talking to people one on one. Ignore those who refuse to hear you, and create firm boundaries so people don't walk all over you or take advantage.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with birth order. I am the youngest, and I get more respect than any of my siblings,

[Anonymous]

What you describe has nothing to do with birth order.

[Anonymous]

I am the youngest, and my family NEVER treats me this way. DH's brother is the youngest and he never gets treated this way.

This has nothing to do with birth order. Your DH needs to start sticking up for himself. Otherwise, he will never get any respect. But it sounds like your MIL is a terrible person, so I might err on the side of distancing my family from her. Sounds like an extremely disfunctional family dynamic, and it's best to not participate!