weigh in on visiting in-laws

[Anonymous]

In-laws live on west coast. We typically visit 2-3 times a year, staying for one week at a time (given distance travelled, plus jet lag, it doesn't make sense to stay for less than a week at a time). One of the times we typically visit is over winter break. SIL, who lives locally to my in-laws, is due with her first baby at the same time as we would visit. The question is whether we should still visit as we normally do.

On the pro side is everyone says they want us to visit. SIL, who is pretty naive to the ways of babies, says she'll be eager to show off her newborn. But, I don't think she's really thinking about how tired she'll be, how all-consuming the newborn is, and how many germs my young children will bring with them (winter, long airplane ride, etc.).

Ideally, we'd visit for a weekend. But given the distance, that's not possible. I don't want to insult them by not going -- I want to meet my niece/nephew too! But I don't want to go all the way out there and either be a burden to my SIL, keep my MIL away from her new baby grandchild/helping her daughter. And if we're not going to spend time with them, I'd rather not go.

Some relevant history: when my first child was born, all the in-laws -- MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, grandmother-in-law -- descended on me when baby was 4 weeks old, and we all agree (in retrospect) that it was a mistake.

[Anonymous]

So visit over spring break.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why this is a big deal. You are not staying with SIL. Are you staying with the ILs or a hotel? I would think this is a lovely way to see your newborn nephew or niece when you ordinarily wouldn't be able to bc of the distance.

Don't be a burden-- stay in a hotel, let MIL help out SIL, etc. Maybe offer to cook dinner and bring over to SIL's house?

[Anonymous]

Well, she is due that week...so the baby might or might not be born.

I say, book a trip for your family somewhere else. Say you don't want to distract MIL from helping SIL, and you all are going to give them some space during this precious time. You will be so excited to meet the baby at spring break (or whenever your next visit would be).

Bonus if DH could fly out solo for a long weekend in Jan or Feb.

[Anonymous]

Does your sister in law live with your mother in law? If not, I do'nt see why it would be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why this is a big deal. You are not staying with SIL. Are you staying with the ILs or a hotel? I would think this is a lovely way to see your newborn nephew or niece when you ordinarily wouldn't be able to bc of the distance.

Don't be a burden-- stay in a hotel, let MIL help out SIL, etc. Maybe offer to cook dinner and bring over to SIL's house?

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't see this as an issue. Even if you're there and she has the baby and is overwhelmed then don't visit her. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL doesn't live with your MIL, right? So why would it really matter?

[Anonymous]

You are overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't want to make MIL feel divided between SIL/newborn and OP/visitors. OP, if everyone agrees that the group visit last time was a mistake, then just remind your MIL and SIL of that and go during spring break. Or, maybe you can go during winter break but plan to spend a few off those days off on a little side trip somewhere with you, you'd husband and your kids. So half with in-laws, and half off somewhere else.

Let us know what you decide!

[Anonymous]

MIL volunteered that, as much as she'd like to see us, she doesn't think we should come out then. SIL will agree with whatever MIL says. So we're not going to go out then. DH wants us to go out in February, but I don't know if we can pull the kids from school then. I like the pp's idea of just having DH go out for a long weekend. We'll definitely go out at spring break.

[Anonymous]

Just go. I don't see why this is an issue. If you're worried about distracting MIL from new baby and SIL, just don't do it. You can look after your own children while MIL is with SIL, can't you? Then visit SIL and new baby as much as makes sense.

But if your MIL prefers you visit later, then visit later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL volunteered that, as much as she'd like to see us, she doesn't think we should come out then. SIL will agree with whatever MIL says. So we're not going to go out then. DH wants us to go out in February, but I don't know if we can pull the kids from school then. I like the pp's idea of just having DH go out for a long weekend. We'll definitely go out at spring break.

I would not pull the kids. Go when it works for your schedule. Also I would not want to pay for DH to fly separately a month before you all go. This is just the reality of bicoastal families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go. I don't see why this is an issue. If you're worried about distracting MIL from new baby and SIL, just don't do it. You can look after your own children while MIL is with SIL, can't you? Then visit SIL and new baby as much as makes sense.

But if your MIL prefers you visit later, then visit later.

It's only an issue because the only reason we fly out there is to see MIL and the rest of the family. There's no reason to go there for a whole week to spend an hour with a newborn. I posted here to make sure making that decision wouldn't be terribly insulting to SIL.