Nervous about MIL's visit

[Anonymous]

MIL hasn't seen 9 month old DD in 2.5 months - and in that time she has become MUCH stronger and more difficult to restrain. MIL always has had problems holding DD, but I'm really nervous now. Any suggestions for how not to act like an anxious jerk the entire visit?

[Anonymous]

Why has she had problems holding her?

[Anonymous]

Just say that DD likes to explore now (is she pulling up, crawling?) so she prefers to be on the ground, etc.

If she wants to hold DD, make sure she's already sitting down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why has she had problems holding her?

Arthritis and general physical limitations. Always looks very uneasy - and in the past she's been pretty defensive about trying to find a better way to hold her more securely.

[Anonymous]

9 month olds don't generally like to be held that much anyways. They want to be on the move, on their own. If she has arthritis getting on the floor might be a challenge but maybe you can set up a play area somewhere that MIL can interact with DD in a way that is comfortable for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Good thoughts - I plan to have MIL do some feeding in the high chair. I will think on a play situation that might be more comfortable. I guess baby on the floor and MIL on the couch would give them some opportunity to interact.

She's not actually that huge of a mover - what she prefers these days is to be in mommy or daddy's arms and look at other people. I wear her a lot. I can't see MIL in the ergo... though I suppose we could try that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good thoughts - I plan to have MIL do some feeding in the high chair. I will think on a play situation that might be more comfortable. I guess baby on the floor and MIL on the couch would give them some opportunity to interact.

She's not actually that huge of a mover - what she prefers these days is to be in mommy or daddy's arms and look at other people. I wear her a lot. I can't see MIL in the ergo... though I suppose we could try that.

Baby on the floor and MIL on the couch is not very interactive. I would put baby on the couch or on a chair beside MIL (in a safe way) - especially if she isn't crawling. I think if you carry her all the time and that is what she is used to, then MIL is going to want to carry her as that may be how DD is happiest. I would try the ergo with MIL. High chair is a good idea too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thoughts - I plan to have MIL do some feeding in the high chair. I will think on a play situation that might be more comfortable. I guess baby on the floor and MIL on the couch would give them some opportunity to interact.

She's not actually that huge of a mover - what she prefers these days is to be in mommy or daddy's arms and look at other people. I wear her a lot. I can't see MIL in the ergo... though I suppose we could try that.

Baby on the floor and MIL on the couch is not very interactive. I would put baby on the couch or on a chair beside MIL (in a safe way) - especially if she isn't crawling. I think if you carry her all the time and that is what she is used to, then MIL is going to want to carry her as that may be how DD is happiest. I would try the ergo with MIL. High chair is a good idea too.

Yeah - I do think she will want to carry her... the timing is interesting because separation anxiety has also kicked in and whenever mommy or daddy is around she is not satisfied being held by anybody else. She is lunging a lot, which is what I'm worried about most. Also MIL is hard to imagine in the ergo because of her body type but might be worth a try. Sitting together on the couch is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Either you or DH need to give her a heads up now about DD's separation anxiety.

So, a call or an e-mail, "Hey, MIL, just wanted to give you a heads up about DD's schedule before your visit. She tends to nap around x and y and goes to bed around z. We've also noticed she's a lot more wiggly and going through some separation anxiety, so if she's not so inclined to cuddle, don't take it personally! She's really into a and b kinds of toys, and she's eating c and d kinds of solids. I bet it will work well to have you feed her or play with some toys while she's in the high chair. Can't wait to see you! Love, DH/DIL"

After some bumps in visits, we always tried to give both grandparents a sense of where we were at that particular moment before a visit. There's just no way for them to know otherwise. Phone calls don't cut it.

And as someone with an arthritic parent, no way would I try the Ergo. It might throw off her sense of balance. Just let her hold DD when she's sitting. If MIL starts to stand up holding the baby, just get right up and say, "Oh, I'll take her." Agree with DH in advance that he will do that if he's around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either you or DH need to give her a heads up now about DD's separation anxiety.

So, a call or an e-mail, "Hey, MIL, just wanted to give you a heads up about DD's schedule before your visit. She tends to nap around x and y and goes to bed around z. We've also noticed she's a lot more wiggly and going through some separation anxiety, so if she's not so inclined to cuddle, don't take it personally! She's really into a and b kinds of toys, and she's eating c and d kinds of solids. I bet it will work well to have you feed her or play with some toys while she's in the high chair. Can't wait to see you! Love, DH/DIL"

After some bumps in visits, we always tried to give both grandparents a sense of where we were at that particular moment before a visit. There's just no way for them to know otherwise. Phone calls don't cut it.

And as someone with an arthritic parent, no way would I try the Ergo. It might throw off her sense of balance. Just let her hold DD when she's sitting. If MIL starts to stand up holding the baby, just get right up and say, "Oh, I'll take her." Agree with DH in advance that he will do that if he's around.

Thanks - so, the other piece of this is that DH actually had a discussion with her about the physical limitations thing after last visit. Previously she seemed extremely defensive to me and would contrive situations to be alone with the baby and would always push her physical boundaries during those situations. After their talking I'm not really sure how it's going to go... another thing I'm nervous about is that it might lead to even more passive aggressive from her. We'll see. I feel like I'm always either tiptoeing on eggshells trying not to hurt her feelings or strictly laying down the law because she's pushing back. I just want things to be smooth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either you or DH need to give her a heads up now about DD's separation anxiety.

So, a call or an e-mail, "Hey, MIL, just wanted to give you a heads up about DD's schedule before your visit. She tends to nap around x and y and goes to bed around z. We've also noticed she's a lot more wiggly and going through some separation anxiety, so if she's not so inclined to cuddle, don't take it personally! She's really into a and b kinds of toys, and she's eating c and d kinds of solids. I bet it will work well to have you feed her or play with some toys while she's in the high chair. Can't wait to see you! Love, DH/DIL"

After some bumps in visits, we always tried to give both grandparents a sense of where we were at that particular moment before a visit. There's just no way for them to know otherwise. Phone calls don't cut it.

And as someone with an arthritic parent, no way would I try the Ergo. It might throw off her sense of balance. Just let her hold DD when she's sitting. If MIL starts to stand up holding the baby, just get right up and say, "Oh, I'll take her." Agree with DH in advance that he will do that if he's around.

Thanks - so, the other piece of this is that DH actually had a discussion with her about the physical limitations thing after last visit. Previously she seemed extremely defensive to me and would contrive situations to be alone with the baby and would always push her physical boundaries during those situations. After their talking I'm not really sure how it's going to go... another thing I'm nervous about is that it might lead to even more passive aggressive from her. We'll see. I feel like I'm always either tiptoeing on eggshells trying not to hurt her feelings or strictly laying down the law because she's pushing back. I just want things to be smooth!

Don't worry about her being passive aggressive. Ignore it. If she has something to say, she can say it outright. You worry about doing what's right for your baby. Be as kind as possible about it, but don't feel bad about standing up for your baby's needs and comfort.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to talk to her and if she is going to go against your wishes, he needs to be able to tell her she is no longer welcome to touch your baby. Think about this: what if she causes SERIOUS harm to your child. "I'm Sorry" doesn't cut it. I would never forgive someone for a preventable issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thoughts - I plan to have MIL do some feeding in the high chair. I will think on a play situation that might be more comfortable. I guess baby on the floor and MIL on the couch would give them some opportunity to interact.

She's not actually that huge of a mover - what she prefers these days is to be in mommy or daddy's arms and look at other people. I wear her a lot. I can't see MIL in the ergo... though I suppose we could try that.

Baby on the floor and MIL on the couch is not very interactive. I would put baby on the couch or on a chair beside MIL (in a safe way) - especially if she isn't crawling. I think if you carry her all the time and that is what she is used to, then MIL is going to want to carry her as that may be how DD is happiest. I would try the ergo with MIL. High chair is a good idea too.

Yeah - I do think she will want to carry her... the timing is interesting because separation anxiety has also kicked in and whenever mommy or daddy is around she is not satisfied being held by anybody else. She is lunging a lot, which is what I'm worried about most. Also MIL is hard to imagine in the ergo because of her body type but might be worth a try. Sitting together on the couch is a good idea.

If she's lunging just have her play on the floor. If you want to let your MIL interact with her, put the baby in a high chair and sit at the table with MIL. She can help feed her, play peek-a-boo, etc.