Sensitive Asperger's Teen and New Baby (Long)
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Anonymous
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I'm a new stepmom to a very sweet, bright 15 year-old with Asperger's. She lives with her mom in another state the majority of the time and is with us for summers and vacations. She's well-adjusted and extremely high functioning without any social issues. Her Asperger's is mostly evident in that she is a very sensitive child and a bit of a late bloomer, emotionally. For example, she still sleeps with a light on, likes us to read out loud to her at night, and is very affectionate, often wanting to hold hands with us when we're walking somewhere. Overall, she is close with both her dad and with me, and we all truly enjoy family time together. Given the total nightmare I was for my parents at 15, we feel very lucky!
As newlyweds, my husband and I are planning to expand the family and have a baby next year. If all goes according to plan, my stepdaughter would have a sibling arrive sometime in the second half of her junior year in high school, when she is about 16.5 years old. She is a little nervous (she's an only child with no younger siblings or cousins so has had no real exposure to kids other than crying babies on planes), but mostly excited about a sibling. She enjoys brainstorming baby names and joking about how she's never going to change a diaper. We recently relocated to DC and moved into a three-level townhouse with three bedrooms -- there is an en-suite bedroom on the first floor and two bedrooms on the third level. She chose the second bedroom on the third level next to ours as hers, so she could be close to us and because she has a very healthy imagination (and ironically enough, a major Stephen King habit) and didn’t want to be alone on the ground floor when we were two floors away. She loves our new home and her bedroom, especially. But when it comes time that we will need a nursery, we plan on moving her downstairs to the first level and using her current bedroom as the baby's room since we want to have the baby close by, on the same level of the house as us. We have not explicitly told her this yet since it's still so far out. My MIL was on the phone with my stepdaughter last night and asked her how she liked her new home and room, and if she ever wanted to move down to the guest room to have more privacy, more freedom to play her music loudly, etc. My stepdaughter emphatically told her no, that she was always going to stay in her room because she loved it so much, and that the guest room was for guests, and she was a family member so would never use that room as hers. My MIL, knowing our plan for a baby and the need to move bedrooms one day, and surprised with how emotional the conversation had been, didn't know what to say, so stayed mum and then called my husband and me to relay the conversation. I am sure I am overthinking things here, but should we be concerned at this point? Should we discuss this future room change with her now? The earliest this would take place would be in 1.5 years when she'll be finishing 11th grade and getting ready to go into her senior year. I'm hoping that at that time she'd be more mature and probably not care at all or as much about where her room was, and would also see the importance of us being in close proximity to a newborn. I want to be careful and thoughtful here, especially because she is a hormonal, emotional teenager who doesn't get to see her dad as much as she wants to. I would never want her to feel that with a new sibling on the scene and with us full time, that she would be less our kid somehow or is being delegated to the guest room as such. At the same time I don't want to baby her or change our plan for where we need to have a nursery. She is pretty adaptive to change -- we're a military family so she is quite used to moves and new surroundings – and, while an only child, she spends a lot of time with her mom’s live-in boyfriend’s children, who he is partial custody of. At a distance, this seems like a no brainer. If I read this post I’d roll my eyes and say “She only lives with you 20% of the time and she’ll be an older teen when a baby comes – move her room and tell her to get over it.” But this is a sensitive kid and I’m a new stepmom, so I know I need to be cautious. Any thoughts? |
Anonymous
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Start talking with her about it now. Start by talking about the plans to have a baby in a couple of years. Make sure you emphasize that the guest room will be HER room and that she will always be a member of your family. Talk about her role as the big sister and how important that will be for your new baby.
My son with an ASD is 12. He does really well with changes when we give him lots and lots and lots of warning and lots of time to think about it. It also helps if we "sell" it to him as much as possible. |
Anonymous
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You're not even pregnant. I, who thought cosleeping was disgusting, wound up cosleeping with my baby until she was 14 months old.
Point out to her that many of your guests ARE family members. So it's not that she won't sleep in the guest room because she's a family member rather than a guest. The reality is, it's your and your husband's decision. If she wants to sleep on the floor of what will become the baby's room, let her. But it's perfectly reasonable to want a newborn next door/on the same floor as the parents and to put a 16 or 17 yr old downstairs. |
Anonymous
| Not an issue until your second trimester. Deal with it then by explaining the logic and that you will no longer have a guest room. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you are over-thinking it. You're not pregnant yet. When you actually are and need to do a baby's room is when you address it with her.
You also refer to a room as a "bedroom" not a "guest room." Your MIL should not bring it up again, so let her know. |
Anonymous
| Waiting to tell her is terrible advice. Many people with ASDs have a hard time with transitions. Giving them as much warning as possible is the best practice. |
Anonymous
Telling her now will create anticipatory anxiety that will last a long time. There is plenty of time to tell her closer to the event. At that point she can help decorate the baby's room and her new room and can be given a role. Trouble with transitions doesn't mean you spring something on her at least a year or year and a half ahead of time when she's anxious. |
Anonymous
My ASD kid would meltdown if there wasn't a lot of warning and if he didn't have plenty of time to deal with it. I'll deal with him talking it out over several months vs. him blowing up and melting down because he didn't have a lot of warning. |
Anonymous
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Don't say anything yet. No point getting her upset over a hypothetical that won't be an actual issue for years.
You may not get pregnant exactly when you want to. She may feel differently in a year. Don't invite trouble. |
Anonymous
| Wait until you are pregnant. You still have 9 months then to help her adjust. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't switch her room. I'd keep the baby in my room and then eventually move the baby to the Main floor with a good baby monitor. She will feel replaced otherwise.
Why did you already discuss with your MIL where a potential baby will sleep. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. You don't even know if you will be able to have children. |
Anonymous
The OP isn't even pregnant yet. Giving adequate warning is one thing, but it's not even a distant reality yet. After the first trimester will give a kid 6 months--that's an adequate head's up even for a kid on the spectrum. |
Anonymous
| For all you know you may have trouble conceiving and not have a baby until she's 20 or 22 and doesn't care anymore. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
+1 |