Sensitive Asperger's Teen and New Baby (Long)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything yet. No point getting her upset over a hypothetical that won't be an actual issue for years.

You may not get pregnant exactly when you want to. She may feel differently in a year.

Don't invite trouble.

+1

One step at a time, each step depending on the step before it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your comments and insights. Most were constructive.

Appreciate your time and input, especially as many of you have kids who are more sensitive than most as we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you know you may have trouble conceiving and not have a baby until she's 20 or 22 and doesn't care anymore.

This

That's very mean way of putting things.

[Anonymous]

I would have never bought a house without 3-4 bedrooms nearby with a special needs child and plans to have more kids. You move downstairs. Don't evict her from her room.

[Anonymous]

DH and DS have Asperger's.
DS rarely has anxiety but does have a tendency to ruminate if I explain big events a long time in advance.
So don't have such a long lead time.

Also, one word of advice for the good of your stepdaughter: she needs to work on her social skills for her personal and professional future, and that means that you should encourage her to step out of her comfort zone and get her to think and talk about her own teen environment - her "friends", her school, her activities.

I know you are newly weds and very focused on making a home and babies, and I know it's very sweet of your step daughter to be so accommodating and domestic, and sweet of you to be so inclusive and motherly, but... she also needs to develop a sense of independence and outside interests.

My mother encouraged me to cocoon myself at home and prolong my childhood well into my late teens. It was very hard to become independent after that and I spent my 20s trying to catch up. I will not do that to my children, Aspie or not.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would wait. You may never get pregnant - hate to sound harsh but after years of infertility my husband and I just accepted that we weren't meant to have kids of our own.

[Anonymous]

Oy. You shouldn't have given her choice of bedroom to begin with is my thought.

That said, does she have a counselor? I'd wait until you're pregnant or trying, as it may take awhile, and then come up with a plan with DH, her mom, and the counselor. You won't be such a "new" stepmom by then, which may help.

Right now, just focus on being her new stepmom and being someone she can count on and trust. Meanwhile, budget for re-doing the guest room when it's time for the transition. SD can help you and DH pick out a paint color, new furniture, etc, with some special touches to make it "her" room as well as a functioning guest room when she's not there.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about this now! Plan to have the baby in your room with you for the first months. I I calculate right, that means your daughter would be home with you just through that summer after the baby is born (if you are lucky enough to conceive and give birth when you think you will) and then she'll be back with her mom for the school year. Have baby in portable crib in daughter's room when daughter is away (its still "daughter's room) and move baby back to your bedroom, or downstairs, when daughter is home for holiday. When daughter goes to college, baby gets daughter's room.

[Anonymous]

A lot of well meaning comments here, but OP said there is one bedroom on first floor and two bedrooms on third floor. If OP and her husband move to the first floor to let the daughter keep her original room on the third floor, they will still be TWO floors away from a newborn. That is the whole reason she said they were switching daughter to downstairs room to avoid being two floors away from infant...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of well meaning comments here, but OP said there is one bedroom on first floor and two bedrooms on third floor. If OP and her husband move to the first floor to let the daughter keep her original room on the third floor, they will still be TWO floors away from a newborn. That is the whole reason she said they were switching daughter to downstairs room to avoid being two floors away from infant...

Op isn't even pregnant yet, let alone moving an infant two floors away. Likely the hypothetical baby will stay in their room initially anyways. It sounds like by the time hypothetical baby needs their own room, stepD will pretty much be in college. At that point, moving rooms may not even be an issue. most people are just saying that moving doesn't even need to be a conversation now. If and when Op is pregnant, then they will need to see where stepD is at then and then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are over-thinking it. You're not pregnant yet. When you actually are and need to do a baby's room is when you address it with her.

You also refer to a room as a "bedroom" not a "guest room." Your MIL should not bring it up again, so let her know.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Can I just say that you sound like a wonderful stepmom? You're so caring and obviously love your stepdaughter and want her to be happy. She is so lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't switch her room. I'd keep the baby in my room and then eventually move the baby to the Main floor with a good baby monitor. She will feel replaced otherwise.

Why did you already discuss with your MIL where a potential baby will sleep. Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

You don't even know if you will be able to have children.

You would really have your infant two floors away when there is an empty bedroom right next to you for most of the year?

[Anonymous]

I would wait to say anything until you are pregnant. After you are pregnant you will need to have her mom's help in talking to her about the change.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a great stepmom an obviously care a lot about DSD. She sounds a LOT like my SIL. (In addition to my SIL I also work with children diagnosed as ASD.) SIL is in her 20s now, but she had a very hard time when I married her brother. She has very rigid ideas of family and how she interacts with them and it was a lot of upheaval for her, even though we like each other very much. We included her in various aspects of the wedding planning and this helped. She tirelessly researched wedding etiquette and became a great (and entertaining) source of knowledge. I am wondering if perhaps you can couch this as a project you take on together (once you're pregnant?). You plan her new room together and maybe also include her in planning the baby's nursery. If she is anything like my SIL, she may also be interested in the pregnancy week-by-week (SIL downloaded an app on her ipad and made sure to call me to discuss weekly fetal development). I think if she believes that "this is what families do when they are expecting a new addition" she will follow your lead and it will alleviate a lot of discomfort for her. Good luck!