DS' attitude
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Anonymous
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DS (ASD), 5 years old, lately has been giving me what used to be called in the old times as "the lip." He is very much a Daddy's boy but I used to think we had a great relationship too. This past few weeks he has systematically kicked me out of his room, refused to go ANYWHERE with me, even to places we used to go all the time together, and he is just plain rude. For example, when I come from work and if he's in his room with his nanny, he first yells "Daddy, is that you?" and if I respond, he just says "Oh!". He doesn't say "hello", no thank yous and please. Hasn't hugged me in a week unless I ask. DH and I tried to remember what, if anything, I've done wrong, but this literally started out of the blue. Now I don't want to bribe a child to give me some affection but I am starting to dread coming home as I too tired for rudeness, especially from my own child.
So...what the hell is this behavior and do we need to see a shrink? |
Anonymous
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Nope. You don't need to see a shrink. Kids (NT and SN) go through phases where one parent is a favorite over the other. It is normal.
It is not okay for your kid to be rude to you. With my kid with ASD, I know that he does not always realize that his behavior affects me in a negative way. I deal with that my sitting down to explain it to him. I follow that up with very clear outlines of what I expect from him and what I will not accept from him. Ie. when I get home, I expect you to come out of your room and talk to me. You need to say "Hi, Mom! How was your day?" and have a brief 3 minute conversation with me before you go back to what you were doing. |
Anonymous
| You need to look at your parenting and change something. Kids go in phases of the favorite parent, but the rude behavior is not acceptable. I would take away privileges (and dad supporting it - let dad do a time out or consequence if he is rude to you and your husband sees it and is home). |
Anonymous
Please go back to General Parenting. You are posting to the SN board. GP approaches don't really work with SN kids. |
Anonymous
Yes, it does. I understand where I am posting. Just because a child has special needs, does not mean they have a free pass for poor behavior. When our child acts up, the first thing we do is look at the behavior, figure out where it is coming from and change our behavior. |
Anonymous
Oh please with this tired response. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you need to see a shrink because your child is going through a rude phase or a phase where he prefers your husband. Neither is indicative of psychological problems or a "syndrome." I'm not sure this is even ASD-related. This is just being five. Five year olds test a lot of limits and boundaries. They are all about autonomy and finding their place and role and limits and boundaries. It's okay for him to go through a phase where he prefers his dad. It's not okay for him to be rude about it. I would however, draw a distinction between your own hurts and sensitivities and his deliberately trying to hurt you. You are a grown up. |
Anonymous
OP here. I really don't understand why you are so rude to this PP. She's making a valid point. If my child had mental or cognitive disabilities, then sure, taking away privileges wouldn't do a thing. But he clearly understands the difference between right and wrong, and is able to distinguish between emotions. |
Anonymous
It's a useless response for kids with HFA/ASD. HFA and ASD involve delays in social communication and social understanding. A child with an ASD does NOT typically understand that he is being rude or that he is hurting his mother's feelings. He is also unlikely to understand how to fix it, once he does understand. If you want these kids to have good social skills, you have to explicitly teach good social skills on a step-by-step basis with an explanation of why it's important. You need to remind him and redirect him and reward him when he gets it right. Punishing the child by taking away privileges because he was "rude" is punishing him for his disability. |
Anonymous
When you have parented a kid with an ASD/HFA, please come back and share advice. If you haven't, kindly STFU. It doesn't work that way. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I'd like to close this thread NOW. I didn't write to have people trade insults. If you have PMS, take Midol. |
Anonymous
But you're above it all. Noted. |
Anonymous
I do have a child with high functioning ASD. We can very much tell when it is a typical 5 year old behavior vs. he doesn't understand and we parent him accordingly. When he was younger, time outs were a joke. Part of having autism is the need to be taught social communication, which includes understanding others feelings. Or, they will not be able to survive in this world. We excused behavior as you are when our child was 2-3, but at 5, it is not acceptable. Kids do go through phases. My kid is in a dad phase too. I think its great as it gives me a break. But, if my child ever behaved as OP's child did, we would deal with it and make sure it was unacceptable. You need to change your parenting, regardless of special needs to deal with a child during that specific age and stage and teach them what is acceptable or not or you are going to end up with an adult child who cannot function at all as they are used to being given into with no consequences for bad behavior. We don't treat our child any differently than our "typical child" (beyond therapy, private school and other things we would not have done otherwise given the cost). We have the same expectations for behavior and just modify the discipline accordingly to the age, stage and level of functioning. What is your advice beyond to attack assuming you are the only one who has a child with autism and has social communication issues? |
Anonymous
Since you are the expert, please share how OP should handle this. OP was asking how others handled it or help her brainstorm options on what might work best for her child and family. Please share your great expertise. I'm sorry you are having a bad day but no need to take it out on the rest of us. |
Anonymous
I'm 13:38. I'm not an expert, and never said I was. I was reading through the responses because we have a similar situation with our child, and I was commenting on OP's snark, above. She says didn't write to have people trade insults - then she insulted people. Huh? |