Help me think rationally about gifts from MIL

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a huge gift-giver and goes shopping at least once a week. I just found out from my SIL that MIL has already bought a ton of clothes for our not-yet-born first child. It's thoughtful, but sometimes she goes overboard. When she sends us Christmas or birthday gifts, we get a few nice things and then a bunch of stupid trinkets that we usually end up throwing away, like little candle votives or caviar spoons that were on deep discount at Target or something.

DH is not offended that I want to throw most of the trinkets away (he agrees that a lot of them aren't useful and we should get rid of them). But for some reason, I get really upset when she sends us this junk and I'm not sure why. DH believes I'm being irrational and I do too. It's just some stuff, and it's not like MIL cares if we keep the little trinkets or asks about them after we call to say thank you. This leads me to believe that she just really likes giving gifts, but it drives me crazy sometimes.

On the one hand they're harmless as long as nobody is giving me guilt about not keeping them. OTOH, I'm worried now that we'll get twice the junk (along with good gifts) when the baby comes. MIL and I generally have a good relationship, so I don't feel like she's trying to make any passive-aggressive statement with her trinkets. What does DCUM think?

[Anonymous]

I think you should tell her in a way that makes her hear you, that with the baby coming you and DH are really trying to be quite minimalistic so you're going to keep bringing new things into the house at a minimum. Your new plan after getting the absolute necessities in "one in, one out."

She'll continue giving you crap, but you can just keep a box in your garage or a closet to put everything in that you don't want, and take it to donate once a month.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong to feel bothered by this.

But, a question: Is it just at birthdays and Christmas or all the time? If it's just at birthdays and Christmas, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just toss and Goodwill as needed.

If it's more than that, let me say....

Too many gifts isn't a gift. Gifts all the time aren't gifts. It's intrusive and annoying. Think how much of your house would be filled up if you kept everything she gave you.

DH needs to have a conversation with her: "Mom, with the baby coming, we're realizing that we don't want our child to expect a gift every time we see you, and we're also trying to sort through and just keep things we really use. We need to ask you to dial it back a bit with the gifts. It's so kind of you to think of us, but we're trying to change things a bit."

[Anonymous]

My MIL is the same way. Most of the stuff she buys us is awful and I think she buys it because it's on sale. I have no problem donating it, but it feels wasteful--a waste of her money and a waste of stuff. She also has some pretty strong hoarder tendencies, so on the one hand, I'm glad she gives it to us, because I have no problem getting rid of it, but on the other hand, it's not a great sign. I suppose it also bugs me because she completely ignores our taste when buying crap--her son hates clutter and she gives us a million trinkets; we don't like overly glittery princessy stuff and she gives our daughter shirts that say "Daddy's Little Princess" and "Pretty Like Mommy." It's like she just buys stuff for the sake of buying stuff, not because she really cares whether or not we would actually like it.

So I smile and say thank you and put the stuff immediately in our Goodwill box when we get home.

[Anonymous]

I would let it slide for now, but keep an eye on it for when the kids get old enough to know what they're getting. With clothes, I wouldn't under-estimate the benefit you'll get from not having to do the shopping (such a time suck!) and $$ saved -- if it's awful, you can just donate. With toys, it's a little tougher, but you should find a nice way to say that you're trying to make sure that child doesn't become too spoiled, and that you're really trying to make sure toys are developmentally appropriate. (That said, Grandmas will buy dolls and trucks. That is as certain as gravity and cannot be avoided.) But again, don't underestimate the value of a constant shopper -- in 3 years, when child is obsessed with Thomas the Train, the constantly shopping Grandma is well situated to find all the clearance tunnels and stuff at Tuesday Morning and Marshall's. Or steer her towards books -- there's really no such thing as too many books.

[Anonymous]

Ask your MIL to all the money she spends in buying gifts for your family and baby to a saving account for your baby to use later in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let it slide for now, but keep an eye on it for when the kids get old enough to know what they're getting. With clothes, I wouldn't under-estimate the benefit you'll get from not having to do the shopping (such a time suck!) and $$ saved -- if it's awful, you can just donate. With toys, it's a little tougher, but you should find a nice way to say that you're trying to make sure that child doesn't become too spoiled, and that you're really trying to make sure toys are developmentally appropriate. (That said, Grandmas will buy dolls and trucks. That is as certain as gravity and cannot be avoided.) But again, don't underestimate the value of a constant shopper -- in 3 years, when child is obsessed with Thomas the Train, the constantly shopping Grandma is well situated to find all the clearance tunnels and stuff at Tuesday Morning and Marshall's. Or steer her towards books -- there's really no such thing as too many books.

As the relative of two hoarders who compulsively shop, oh, there actually is a thing as too many books. I wish I didn't know that, but it's true.

I don't think the OP is dealing with that level of a problem though, from what she's said, and I hope it's just a few trinkets at Christmas and not something worse.

PP who's Mom is a hoarder: Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let it slide for now, but keep an eye on it for when the kids get old enough to know what they're getting. With clothes, I wouldn't under-estimate the benefit you'll get from not having to do the shopping (such a time suck!) and $$ saved -- if it's awful, you can just donate. With toys, it's a little tougher, but you should find a nice way to say that you're trying to make sure that child doesn't become too spoiled, and that you're really trying to make sure toys are developmentally appropriate. (That said, Grandmas will buy dolls and trucks. That is as certain as gravity and cannot be avoided.) But again, don't underestimate the value of a constant shopper -- in 3 years, when child is obsessed with Thomas the Train, the constantly shopping Grandma is well situated to find all the clearance tunnels and stuff at Tuesday Morning and Marshall's. Or steer her towards books -- there's really no such thing as too many books.

As the relative of two hoarders who compulsively shop, oh, there actually is a thing as too many books. I wish I didn't know that, but it's true.

I don't think the OP is dealing with that level of a problem though, from what she's said, and I hope it's just a few trinkets at Christmas and not something worse.

PP who's Mom is a hoarder: Hugs to you.

Thanks. My MIL is a sweet woman, but her house is getting worse. All the closets are full, boxes of stuff in every room and the hallways, guest beds covered in stuff, no kitchen counter in sight, and paths through the stacks of crap in their bedroom so they can reach the bed. Their basement is a thing of horror. I dread having to move them out of their house. I sometimes fantasize about just burning the place down when that time comes.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people like to buy these things so they can continually make the announcement to the cashier or others in line, "It's for my new grandbaby." and then they get some pay-off attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let it slide for now, but keep an eye on it for when the kids get old enough to know what they're getting. With clothes, I wouldn't under-estimate the benefit you'll get from not having to do the shopping (such a time suck!) and $$ saved -- if it's awful, you can just donate. With toys, it's a little tougher, but you should find a nice way to say that you're trying to make sure that child doesn't become too spoiled, and that you're really trying to make sure toys are developmentally appropriate. (That said, Grandmas will buy dolls and trucks. That is as certain as gravity and cannot be avoided.) But again, don't underestimate the value of a constant shopper -- in 3 years, when child is obsessed with Thomas the Train, the constantly shopping Grandma is well situated to find all the clearance tunnels and stuff at Tuesday Morning and Marshall's. Or steer her towards books -- there's really no such thing as too many books.

As the relative of two hoarders who compulsively shop, oh, there actually is a thing as too many books. I wish I didn't know that, but it's true.

I don't think the OP is dealing with that level of a problem though, from what she's said, and I hope it's just a few trinkets at Christmas and not something worse.

PP who's Mom is a hoarder: Hugs to you.

Thanks. My MIL is a sweet woman, but her house is getting worse. All the closets are full, boxes of stuff in every room and the hallways, guest beds covered in stuff, no kitchen counter in sight, and paths through the stacks of crap in their bedroom so they can reach the bed. Their basement is a thing of horror. I dread having to move them out of their house. I sometimes fantasize about just burning the place down when that time comes.

There are companies that specialize in cleaning out hoarding homes. No need to do it yourselves. We used one to clean out a relative's home, and it was worth every penny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your MIL to all the money she spends in buying gifts for your family and baby to a saving account for your baby to use later in school.

You do not have the right to even suggest to her How to spend her money. If you don't want her gifts, then politely ask her not to give gifts to you and child(ren).

[Anonymous]

op here. Thanks for the suggestions. I think she buys the things because they're cheap or on sale; she shops mainly at consignment stores and Marshalls/TJ Maxx etc.

When we first got married she would randomly send us boxers of these treasures and I just didn't like it so I said something to her about it and she backed off and now only sends t stuff for birthday, Easter, and Christmas. But now with baby I can see her upping the frequency.

Also, I sometimes wonder if this is a control issue for me. I feel like I should be the one dressing my kid and deciding what toys he should play with, not my MIL or other people. A few outfits wouldn't set me so far on the defense, but I have a feeling I won't need to buy the kid any clothes til he's 2 if we keep everything she gives to us.

[Anonymous]

That level you describe gets I to compulsive shopping // "hoarding gifting" territory, OP.

Time for a talk--well, possibly after you see how much she has. DH should do it ideally. "Mom, think of all the people who will give us things for DD. I know you are trying to be nice, but it is too much. It actually creates work for us. Please, stand down a bit. Remember when you sent us boxes when we first married? It is like that."

This will likely be a problem off and on, best to deal with it early. Is she "too much" in other respects? I would read up on compulsive shopping and hoarding a little and see what rings true.

[Anonymous]

Also, realize it is not a control issue for you, it is a control issue for *her.*. She is taking over a role that is not her place (filling your house, providing for your child, etc).

[Anonymous]

Your child does not need to wear the clothes she buys or play with toys she gives her. When they are small, you are the gatekeeper. With clothes, you can't have enough-- i take all the ugly shirts/pants and litter them everywhere as back up clothes-- 2 sets at daycare, one in the car, two downstairs, one for diaper bag, one for stroller, etc.

Toys-- keep them in the closet and use as stash for birthday parties. Or donate around the holidays.