My wife always wants to talk
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Anonymous
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But that means:
1) She, and only she talks. 2) She complains about others and badmouths them, and everyone else is always the idiot. She often sounds angry. 3) She repeats herself. She is redundant. She says the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of it. I stopped listening -- the negativity of it all was really starting to bum me out. When she pressed and I told her why I was tuning out, she gaslighted me and said I was insensitive (I guess I'm the idiot). Which makes me tune out even more -- to the point where I anticipate her venting and try to cut if off at the pass by removing myself from the situation (woops -- I forgot, we need some, um, couscous from the store. be right back!") Can this marriage be saved? |
Anonymous
| yeah, the two if you need to get some counseling if you want to sustain a healthy and respectful marriage. |
Anonymous
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John Gottman. Worth the money for the seminar if you can do it.
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Anonymous
+1 But both of you need to be comitted. |
Anonymous
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I find that when someone keeps repeating things over and over, it's because they don't feel "heard." So I do my best to paraphrase both the content and tone.
Wife: I can't believe what a jerk Larla was at the movies. She took all my popcorn and Starbursts. I mean, she knows how much I love those snacks!!! What a bitch. You: So you DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE TAKES YOUR CANDY! Wife: YES! That's right. You: Okay. So I'm going to make dinner now. Do you want tacos? It's worth a try. And yeah, if you get with a good marriage counselor and are willing to do the work, it can probably be saved. Make the call for the therapist. |
Anonymous
Fair enough, but what do you do when you think she's being unreasonable, abrupt, and rude to people? |
Anonymous
tell her how unattractive it makes her look. |
Anonymous
| Wasn't she like this before you got married? |
Anonymous
| Is she a sahm? I only ask, because when I stayed home and my only conversation was with a toddler, by the time dh got home I was talking his ear off. I didn't even realize it. I guess I just needed adult conversation so badly. |
Anonymous
This is "active listening" and it only goes so far - it only works when the person "being heard" actually wants to fix the problem.
That will certainly shove it back in her face and send the message, but that may only escalate things and drive her away. I have tried (not saying this will work necessarily) to rephrase (active listening) and then acknowledge her feelings (which is not the same thing as validating that she is "right") and ask if she wants a suggestion (she might not). If she gets on your case for getting bored of hearing the same old stuff and tuning it out (emotionally at least, and I think that's the smartest thing to do), then share with her what your feelings are about hearing it over and over. Do not tell her she is "wrong" or that her feelings are invalid, but that you do not share her feelings about topic X, and that your feelings towards her are compromised by the constant negativity. |
Anonymous
+1 OP, you sound like a peach! |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't necessarily say this is a marriage deal-breaker OP, unless it is something that happens on a day to day basis and is making your life w/her almost unbearable.
It sounds like she needs to learn some better communication techniques. I think she should speak to a counselor who can teach her this. Why not suggest this to her in a civil manner? Try to approach her about it in a non-accusing way, letting her know that her negativity is not doing her or anyone around her any good at all. Encourage her to be more positive about herself + other people and to try to not put others down so much. Hopefully she will see that by changing her though process and communication techniques, she can have better relationships w/both her spouse and her friends/family. |
Anonymous
| *thought |
Anonymous
| I think we need more information. I talk to my husband a lot but he also contributes. To get a bigger picture - you just sit there and listen to her talk? Is she going through anything particular where she is going to you for support or she this is just part of her personality? |
Anonymous
| The flip side of this is a DH who never wants to hear anyhin negative from his wife and thinks she is always wrong. She is hurt that a friend or coworker did X and wants to vent. His solution is to half-listen for a while as she repeata herself trying to get him to hear her and then when he does finally acknowledge the conversation it is to say, "Sounds like friend is right and you need to get over it." |