Spouse with ADD?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have many issues, and have been in therapy for a couple of years, with ups and downs but no significant improvement.
I suspect that he has ADD. I mentioned this to our therapist in a one to one session and he thinks it is possible. Neither the therapist or I have talked to DH about it yet.
ADD or not, I am disappointed with this relationship for the forgetfulness, carelessness, the focus on the short term, etc. Same issues discussed over and over with no improvement. I do my best, but I do have the occasional outburst (like when he totally forgets I have been having liver cancer screening tests, when I have actually told him I discussed with him the dates I was going), then he blames everything on me for not being able to speak to him nicely. Specially for bad things (like the possibility of my cancer, or my DDs problems at school, and many others), he totally forgets to ask and follow up, which can often leave me totally alone in some family problem resolution, etc.

ADD could be an explanation for the way he is and, potentially, a resolution to some of our problems. But he has an attitude like there can't be anything wrong with him and, even if he did the ADD testing, I don't think it would not be enough for him to understand how serious the consequences of his actions (or the lack of them) are.

Anybody been in this situation before? What made your partner click/ change?

[Anonymous]

He just sounds like a typical, self-centered jerk. I don't think ADD has anything to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Well, if you have ADD, things don't just eventually "click" without work from both the ADD and non-ADD partner.

I recently read this book: http://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405901594&sr=1-1&keywords=adhd+marriage

I'm the non-ADD partner. It was insightful, however there is no way no how my spouse will take meds, and I felt that that is what the author felt was what made things ultimately work with her husband. That said, I have the workbook (by the same author) in my cart and plan to purchase it in the next few months.

This is a good site, but seems somewhat slow (I'm not a member so it's possible there is a lot more going on in the private forums): http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=68

[Anonymous]

Try to write things down, and get him to write things down as well. Makes lists and mark stuff on a calendar. Make sure that he is always involved in important family decisions and discussions. Don't let him "check out."

It also sounds like a bit of a "chicken or the egg" situation where he forgets something and the you have an outburst and now he's upset and defensive and starts developing a sort of passive aggressive selective hearing, which just turns into a vicious cycle. This is a common dynamic.

I know it's frustrating, but try to express your frustration in a non-threatening way where you just honestly and calmly state that you feel overwhelmed and are disappointed that he keeps overlooking things that are important.

[Anonymous]

I don't have advice for you even though I'm in a similar position with my DH having ADHD/depression. We, too, have had lots of therapy but nothing seems to change. Research indicates 'mindfulness' training is beneficial but DH won't/can't stick with it. It's a shame because our marriage is disintigrating despite our desire for it not to. I just can't live with the ups and downs any more. There's a reason why people with ADHD have higher divorce rates.