Bar Mitzvahs in families with multiple kids

[Anonymous]

Do you find that relatives and friends of the parents go to the bar mitzvahs of the second (and third) children in the family? I don't want to slight these children, but it's hard to keep traveling.

[Anonymous]

I go to all of my nieces, nephews, and cousins kids. Sometimes if it's a far away destination and 4 plane tickets will be too much, just one of us will attend.

[Anonymous]

5:45, do you think that's true of all relatives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5:45, do you think that's true of all relatives?

In my family it is. And it's the same for my close friends whose extended families I know. This is just one of those things that you do. My neighbors have a very large extended family. They have 10 bat/bat mitzvahs this year and all 5 (2 adults/3 kids) of them are attending each one.

What about the traveling is hard for you?

[Anonymous]

Not op but I imagine that it is (i) cost and (ii) difficulty of taking older children out of school for a day (Friday). I was at the out of town BM of a dear friend's child earlier this year with my whole family. Another mutual friend came by herself. While there we realized that our dc's future BM's were a week apart -- when mutual friend joked to BM dad that he would be traveling two weeks in a row, he did not look happy. I imagine that just my friend will come to my dc's BM and that is totally fine with me. If you are talking about nieces and nephews, I would definitely try to make the effort to go (even if it means taking the kids out of school an extra day to drive to save $$). If it is second or third cousins and you aren't close, then you need to do what fits your budget.

[Anonymous]

We usually send a gift and a card. The kids really don't care if you are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We usually send a gift and a card. The kids really don't care if you are there.

You're right. If you're friends with the parents, the kids may not care. But it's a huge celebration for the family and the parents would like close friends and family to be to celebrate with them. I realize it is not always possible but a bar/bat mitzvah is not only about the child.

[Anonymous]

My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

Yes.

In my (not jewish) family, no one feels guilty about not attending the far away wedding of a distant cousin. You send a regret and a nice gift from the registry.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. We would NEVER only go to the oldest niece's bat mitzvah but ignore the other two girls!

[Anonymous]

We just attended one on the other coast, and while there I had a twinge of guilt that we might not be able to make it to the siblings'. We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Our kids attended some Bar Mitzvahs of kids who were in college by the time our kids had a B Mitzvah. I'd be a fool to expect them to come - though some did. Frankly, I really appreciated even the local people who took the time to spend the day with us. Very thankful for the travelers who could be there. Completely understand that everyone can not do that. Do what you can. Sorry about the family pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

Yes.

In my (not jewish) family, no one feels guilty about not attending the far away wedding of a distant cousin. You send a regret and a nice gift from the registry.

Uh, this is definitely not a "Jewish thing." It is a "specific to your in-laws" thing. Many of our relatives are out of town. If an event is not convenient for us, we don't go. No one seems to be bothered by this.

[Anonymous]

I'd say you should do your best to try and keep a same precedent within each set of siblings. So if you go to an oldest child's bar/bat mizvah, you need to make every effort to go for their younger siblings as well. But if you travel for a niece in New York, I don't think you automatically need to go for your nephew in California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

Yes.

In my (not jewish) family, no one feels guilty about not attending the far away wedding of a distant cousin. You send a regret and a nice gift from the registry.

You realize how idiotic it is to assume that one Jewish family is an exemplar of an entire religion/culture/ethnicity?