Bar Mitzvahs in families with multiple kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

Yes.

In my (not jewish) family, no one feels guilty about not attending the far away wedding of a distant cousin. You send a regret and a nice gift from the registry.

You realize how idiotic it is to assume that one Jewish family is an exemplar of an entire religion/culture/ethnicity?

It's definitely your in-law thing. Jewish here and so is my DH and nobody in either of our families cares if you don't go provided you do the proper thing and RSVP with your regrets on time. You sound like a peach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

Yes.

In my (not jewish) family, no one feels guilty about not attending the far away wedding of a distant cousin. You send a regret and a nice gift from the registry.

You realize how idiotic it is to assume that one Jewish family is an exemplar of an entire religion/culture/ethnicity?

It's definitely your in-law thing. Jewish here and so is my DH and nobody in either of our families cares if you don't go provided you do the proper thing and RSVP with your regrets on time. You sound like a peach!

Thanks! I love peaches!

You do realize we are not talking about a small family or 3 or 4 people. All of the relatives on MIL's side, ALL of the relatives on FIL's side (both large families and geographically spread out) and the extended family my SIL married into (Jewish) also behaves the same way. My inlaws drove 4 hours to attend the funeral of their daughter's husband's great aunt, a woman they had never met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say you should do your best to try and keep a same precedent within each set of siblings. So if you go to an oldest child's bar/bat mizvah, you need to make every effort to go for their younger siblings as well. But if you travel for a niece in New York, I don't think you automatically need to go for your nephew in California.

Agree with this. Reasonable people should be able to see when circumstances make one trip more difficult than another. Could be distance, could be other reasons (i.e. if you have a newborn when a niece or nephew is having their celebration.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's family is Jewish. Every bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and funeral is a command performance. Not going is not an option regardless of cost, distance, age of your children, how we'll you know the honoree, etc. I always assumed it was a Jewish thing. In my family, skipping was fine as long as you mailed your gift on time.

So thrilled we got out of DH's cousins far away wedding this summer because they decided to do no kids. My inlaws are so much more understanding about this than us just not wanting to go.

You just assumed it was a Jewish thing?

Yes.

In my (not jewish) family, no one feels guilty about not attending the far away wedding of a distant cousin. You send a regret and a nice gift from the registry.

You realize how idiotic it is to assume that one Jewish family is an exemplar of an entire religion/culture/ethnicity?

It's definitely your in-law thing. Jewish here and so is my DH and nobody in either of our families cares if you don't go provided you do the proper thing and RSVP with your regrets on time. You sound like a peach!

Thanks! I love peaches!

You do realize we are not talking about a small family or 3 or 4 people. All of the relatives on MIL's side, ALL of the relatives on FIL's side (both large families and geographically spread out) and the extended family my SIL married into (Jewish) also behaves the same way. My inlaws drove 4 hours to attend the funeral of their daughter's husband's great aunt, a woman they had never met.

So what?

[Anonymous]

You do realize we are not talking about a small family or 3 or 4 people. All of the relatives on MIL's side, ALL of the relatives on FIL's side (both large families and geographically spread out) and the extended family my SIL married into (Jewish) also behaves the same way. My inlaws drove 4 hours to attend the funeral of their daughter's husband's great aunt, a woman they had never met.

When my grandmother died I was touched by every single person who showed up but extra touched by people who fell into one of these three categories:

1. Hi Lauren. I know we haven't seen each other since kindergarten, but your sister's college roommate's brother's ex girlfriend is FB friends with me so I found out about it. I'm so sorry about your grandma.
2. Hi Lauren. My name is Gloria. You don't know me, but your grandma was my second-grade teacher in the 60's and she helped me through a very difficult time and then stayed in touch with me even after I moved to Canada. I am so sad your grandma died.
3. Hi Lauren. My name is Ruth. You don't know me, and I didn't know your grandma, but she helped my daughter Gloria through a very difficult time many decades ago, and my husband I came from Canada with her to express our condolences in person.