Advice for dealing with unhelpful parents?
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Anonymous
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My parents live across the country, but they're retired, so they like to visit often. While this sounds great, they are completely unhelpful on their visits! It's gotten to the point where we only allow them to visit twice a year. They act as if they are on vacation and expect to be entertained by me or my husband every second we're not working, go out to lunch and dinner everyday, and be driven around town and on all of their errands. My parents will take a cab to go do activities while we're working, but since driving in DC is "scary" and they refuse to walk anwhere, they need me to take them to the grocery store, drug store etc.
My parents have never offered to change a diaper. They want to be with my son constantly, but they don't engage in activities with him. They sit on the couch and expect my son to want to sit on their laps and read or watch tv, but he's a crazy lil man who likes to run and jump and play! When we go to playgrounds, they complain that it's too sunny and sit in the shade. They complain about walking more than 3 blocks or so, which makes most activities difficult. I've calmly tried to confront them about many issues, but they always deny any wrongdoing. They either tell me that what I'm telling them isn't true, or I'm making things up. I'd love to have a better relationship with my parents (especially for the sake of my child), but they don't even think anything is wrong! I'm unsure of how to make visits go more smoothly, how to get my parents to engage with my child, and how to get them to help out. Advice, please! |
Anonymous
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First, don't expect them to change.
Second, your house, your rules. They need to know this up front before they buy the next plane tickets. "Dad, I need you to know that I can't drive you everywhere on a whim - I work and have to do the baby care when I get home, so you'll have to fend for yourself, OK?" Then when they get to your house: "Remember we had this conversation before you left? I can't drive you anywhere tonight, sorry. You can walk to the store today, or wait until I do the grocery shopping this weekend." "So we're going for a walk with DS, want to come? No, we're not driving, DS wants to run about. OK, you can stay inside." |
Anonymous
| Your expectations are way too high. First thing I noticed from your post is that you complain that no one helps you change diapers. Changing diapers is an intimate event and it seems weird that you expect someone besides a parent to do it. Seems like you could control some of the info vie Ce by asking your parents to organize themselves so that you are only doing errands once or twice a week. |
Anonymous
OP. I don't expect my parents to do anything (especially change diapers), but it would be nice if they at least offered. It would be great if I could get my parents to organize themselves so that I didn't have to run errands for them/with them, but it seems like there's a new need that pops up everyday! For example, on my parents last visit, my dad cut himself and needed large bandages one day, and then my mom needed medicine a few days later. |
Anonymous
| Can you have a guide to the neighborhood ready for them? When they want to go to the store, just show them the map. If they don't want to walk, give them the number for a cab? Make it clear that you expect them to take care of themselves as you already have children to look after. Back home, they care for themselves, right? |
Anonymous
| How old are they? I think your parents are pretty typical. I have read sooooo many threads on DCUM about clueless parents, even those who want to "help." My mom is this way. Asks all the time why we don't let her come visit and "help." Well, helping for her is ooohing and aaahing over the grandkid and sitting on her ass while I wait on her. Same deal at my sister's house. They've forgotten how much work kids are, are in a strange place and not as adaptable as they once were. In our case, I am no longer tempted by offers of "help." Visits are short and not when we are very busy. You will likely not get them to change so adjust the length and expectations of the visits. |
Anonymous
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Your parents are old. They may legitimately not be able to walk more than three blocks.
He cut himself and needed a bandage? Wow, how high maintenance. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sit in the shade. They are not your nannies or housekeepers. They are old. I learned to relate to my elderly grandparents on their level. They did not get down in the floor and play with me. |
Anonymous
| What exactly is their "wrongdoing"? Being too old to be as active as you would like? Not doing chores around the house? Needing food and medical supplies? |
Anonymous
| Clearly the two previous responses are from grandparents. What's wrong is that they expect to come out, stay at OP's and have OP cater to them while she is working, caring for a kid and getting on with life. It's not like she is on vacation too. They need to understand that if the frequent visits that they are requesting are going to happen they have to meet her halfway. |
Anonymous
Ummmm.... these are grandparents, not random friends. I agree, I don't *expect* people to offer to change diapers, and yet, they have offered! Coworkers, for example. My mom, on the other hand, comes to visit and says things like, "don't expect me to change diapers." Meanwhile, my ILs don't mind doing diaper duty at all. I don't think it's "intimate," it's just kind of icky, and uninvolved grandparents don't want to deal with it. It's a shame. OP, I totally understand, my parents are somewhat like this, too, although they don't expect to be catered to, they just want to have their multiple happy hour cocktails and watch me take care of DD... and then show photos of her to their friends ;0 |
Anonymous
Seriously, are you a troll or just the most selfish person on the planet? Do they want bread and water too? You're criticizing the elderly, non-locals, who travel across the country to visit of not being "organized?" Yes, I've often anticipated cutting myself so badly that I needed large bandages--so I don't leave home without them. Just like travelers checks. OP, you sound incredibly immature and self-absorbed. I can't believe you "limit" their trips if they want to see the grandkid. It would take very little of your time to help plan small outings while your parents are here, but you don't have to go all out. Be glad that you have parents who want to see you and are interested in your child. Hopefully, your kid will be a lot more kind and thoughtful as an adult--but only if that apple falls far from the poisonous tree that you are. |
Anonymous
| "Confront" them? What one earth about? You have a long bumpy road ahead if you haven't figured out a few basics: They should stay in a hotel. You should not be telling them how often they can visit. That's their life. They get to travel wherever they want. You can tell them what you will and won't do for them. You should not expect them to change or "become" different grandparents. You should be more grateful AND you should grow a pair (so to speak) |
Anonymous
| I talk with my grandmother almost daily. She goes for bread one day and eggs the next. I think it gives her purpose, or just a reason to not sit on her bum all day. I'm pretty sure she is a normal senior. I think you are being to hard on them OP. |