"I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.

[Anonymous]

Since my brother got married a few years ago virtually any email I send him with friendly updates, news, etc. is greeted by -- radio silence. Nada. Nothing. If I ask him if he received it or why he didn't respond, he says "I didn't know you expected a response." I consider this very passive-aggressive, even hostile. I'm not talking about mass emails to a bunch of family members to announce a promotion (although even then it would be nice to receive a response.) I'm talking about a personal email that starts out "Dear Larlo."

To put this in a broader context, the first time I heard this charming catchphrase was when I telephoned my sister-in-law to be upon my brother telephoning me to tell me he had become engaged. She did not participate in the call to either me or to my parents because she was "too shy" to do so (!! -- she is a law firm partner). At any rate, I called her the next day and left effusive congratulations on her answering machine and a welcome to the family type speech. You guesed it -- radio silence. Never heard anything whatsoever. When I asked my brother whether Larla had received my message, his response? "Did you tell her you expected a response?" I was dumbfounded. At any rate, this has continued for the last few years.

I guess I should have called him on this bullshit years ago. Or am I overreacting? If so, reality check me, please.

[Anonymous]

Speaking from personal experience here. It will get worse before it gets better. But hopefully it WILL get better. Just keep making an effort from your side, while keeping your expectations low.

[Anonymous]

That sounds frustrating, but why not just end your message with a line that states that you expect a response. On answering machines you can ask them to give you a call back. That way there is no misinterpretation.

[Anonymous]

When you email him, make sure you're asking lots of questions about what's going on in his life. I think if he is asked direct questions, he will realize you expect a response.
You sound like you are trying to keep up a good relationship and frustrated with the situation. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Sign your mags "looking forward to hearing your response"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds frustrating, but why not just end your message with a line that states that you expect a response. On answering machines you can ask them to give you a call back. That way there is no misinterpretation.

I guess I don't understand why I need to state that I expect a response, as if I am begging for attention, or guiding a four year old through social discourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds frustrating, but why not just end your message with a line that states that you expect a response. On answering machines you can ask them to give you a call back. That way there is no misinterpretation.

I guess I don't understand why I need to state that I expect a response, as if I am begging for attention, or guiding a four year old through social discourse.

Because your brother needs direct instruction. If you want a response you just say it specifically and directly in the e-mail. easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your brother is trying to distance himself from you? I made it clear to one of my siblings that I was not interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with them in the future. They have a controlling and manipulative personality, and continue to send e-mails, texts, cards, etc. This is not an attempt at reconciliation or keep a relationship, but part of their controlling behavior, by disregarding my decision - however polite or casual the messages are. It immediate goes in the trash, deleted, or is ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your brother is trying to distance himself from you? I made it clear to one of my siblings that I was not interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with them in the future. They have a controlling and manipulative personality, and continue to send e-mails, texts, cards, etc. This is not an attempt at reconciliation or keep a relationship, but part of their controlling behavior, by disregarding my decision - however polite or casual the messages are. It immediate goes in the trash, deleted, or is ignored.

I guess???? I don't think he considers me controlling and manipulative and he has never conveyed such a decision or wish to me. I think he could very likely ignore or trash my messages though, you are right.

This is part of a pattern of behavior by he and his wife that is directed not just toward me but toward my parents that is very difficult for my elderly parents to deal with. It is an attitude that the couple are extremely important, extremely busy, and entitled to the most extraordinary deference in all matters of time and scheduling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds frustrating, but why not just end your message with a line that states that you expect a response. On answering machines you can ask them to give you a call back. That way there is no misinterpretation.

I guess I don't understand why I need to state that I expect a response, as if I am begging for attention, or guiding a four year old through social discourse.

Are you just telling him about what's going on in your life? Are you also showing an interest in him by asking questions? If you're not asking questions, he may not realize you care what he's is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds frustrating, but why not just end your message with a line that states that you expect a response. On answering machines you can ask them to give you a call back. That way there is no misinterpretation.

I guess I don't understand why I need to state that I expect a response, as if I am begging for attention, or guiding a four year old through social discourse.

Are you just telling him about what's going on in your life? Are you also showing an interest in him by asking questions? If you're not asking questions, he may not realize you care what he's is doing.

I think I provide the usual mix of focus on my family and his family, but I'll review and think about that in the future.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the this way. I primarily handle all communication and making plans with his family. They know if they expect a response on a question, to ask me. I've expressed to him how rude this is and he's never been able to give me an answer why he does it.

FWIW, he loves his family very much. He's just a really poor communicator. If it doesn't pertain to his work or our household, he doesn't deal with it.

[Anonymous]

If your emails are essentially an update on what's going on with your life, that doesn't necessarily warrant a response. Sure, it's nice to reply back with a "thanks for the update" but it's not really necessary. If you want him to reply, then you need to ask him a question. Ask how he's doing, what are his 4th of July plans, when is he free for dinner, etc.

I send out photos of the kids with updates to the grandparents and they often reply, but not always and that's fine. It's for their benefit, it's not meant to demand a response.

[Anonymous]

It is what it is. You can beat your head against the wall about why and how to change him, or you can modify your behavior to get the behavior you want out of him. For whatever reason he is not comfortable just picking up the phone, I'm the same way (although not to his extreme).

You can try "give me a call if you want, I'd love to hear what's going on with you" at the end of a chatty voicemail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your brother is trying to distance himself from you? I made it clear to one of my siblings that I was not interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with them in the future. They have a controlling and manipulative personality, and continue to send e-mails, texts, cards, etc. This is not an attempt at reconciliation or keep a relationship, but part of their controlling behavior, by disregarding my decision - however polite or casual the messages are. It immediate goes in the trash, deleted, or is ignored.

I guess???? I don't think he considers me controlling and manipulative and he has never conveyed such a decision or wish to me. I think he could very likely ignore or trash my messages though, you are right.

This is part of a pattern of behavior by he and his wife that is directed not just toward me but toward my parents that is very difficult for my elderly parents to deal with. It is an attitude that the couple are extremely important, extremely busy, and entitled to the most extraordinary deference in all matters of time and scheduling.

I think you and the PP are both right. It definitely sounds like your brother is trying to distance himself. Consequently, it also seems that your response is to try harder to maintain contact with him--probably more for your parents sake.

It appears that they are those "really busy" types that don't make time to include extended family members in their lives.