Judging a potential mate by their friends
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Anonymous
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Do you do it? Do you think it's right? Has it affected your decision whether or not to stay together with someone?
I'm currently dating a nice man who has a lot going for him - he's respectful and attractive, treats me well, has a good job, and is fun company. But some of his friends really turn me off. A couple of them are cheaters, one of them is obnoxious, etc. It makes me wonder why he is friends with such guys. Then I thought about it and to be completely fair, 2 of my girlfriends have cheated on boyfriends in the past, but since them seem to have fixed their ways and in all other respects are very upstanding women. But his friends drink hard till they're out of control, saying douchey things, etc. I don't know. This is normal, I guess, but this is my first time dating an ex-fraternity man and I don't know how to judge his character. I'd like to hear from people who have used a boyfriend/girlfriend's friendships to judge them and how it helped you, if it helped at all. |
Anonymous
| How old is he and how old are you? (Translation: If he is just out of college and still hanging with this bunch that is one thing. If he is 35+ and these are his chosen friends, that's another.) |
Anonymous
| He's 29, I'm 28. |
Anonymous
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Lots of variables here, but the friends aren't necessarily a dealbreaker - although they could be. Here are some factors to consider:
- Do you have deeply held political beliefs that these friends contradict - e.g., like mysoginist or homophobic statements, or drinking a lot if you have alcoholics in your family? If so, it may indicate an incompatibility between you and the BF if he can't respect your need not to be around people who make those sorts of statements unchallenged or need to be constantly drunk. - What role do these friendships play? Are they a really important part of the BF's life, or just a way to pass the time? - Does the BF take part in their distasteful activities? If so, see above - is this a big problem for you, and how important are these activities/comments/jokes to your BF? - How frequently are you going to need to deal with this behavior? If it's once a week, can you handle that? |
Anonymous
| Your friends are your future. |
Anonymous
| Remember that if you marry a guy like this that those obnoxious, drunk cheaters will be planning his batchelor party. |
Anonymous
| Cheating is really common, not sure you can write a guy off for having a couple of friends who've cheated, but "douchy drunk things"? Like sexist demeaning stuff? If those are his buddies then he probably acts like that when you're not around and to me, that's not really husband material. For me, I wanted some one who's drinking, pot smoking, and random bar days were long over, but I know not all feel the same way. |
Anonymous
| It's your relationship lady. You can stress whatever factors and scrutinize whatever attributes about his acquaintances that you wish - won't make a difference. In the end it's still up to you and your boyfriend to make it work. And shit'll either work or it won't - no guarantees in romance. |
Anonymous
| NP here. What if the guy seems to have many acquaintances but few friends? I am thinking of a 49 year old divorce who, outside of casual acquaintances at work seems to have noone in his life but kids, siblings, parents, ex, and two close friends (one male, one female). |
Anonymous
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I totally did consider his friends when we first started dating. However. We started dating when he was only a year out of college and going to law school in the exact same area. So many of his college friends were also in law school plus many of his college friends stayed in the college area.
Here's what made me stick with DH despite some of his douchey friends: - when one of them said something douchey, DH would roll his eyes and comment on it later each time. "Sorry Dave said that about women. His mysoginistic side really comes out when he's drinking. He drinks too much." - a few times, DH would actually tell his friends off. "Dude, you can't say that" or "Hey man, that's not cool." So I really got the impression DH was ready to move away from some of his friends. When we talked about moving away and staying in touch with our friends from the area where we met, DH (we were not married then) even said to me, "I'm ready to cut some people from our lives." All of these things reassured me that he was still a good guy. I also looked at the new friends he made once we moved - guys who were responsible, showed up on time, went to get a drink at happy hour and didn't get drunk, had manners, etc. |
Anonymous
That seems like a good circle of close people. Many adults prefer a few close friends. |
Anonymous
And weekends away when you are married... And you will be hanging out with them for nights out, dinner parties, birthdays, etc. Life can take us in different directions from our friends, and there will be friendships that evolve or disappear over the years as a result. But there should still be a lot of commonalities between family, friends for both parties and their significant others / partners / spouses. They will either help you make it through the difficulties life throws your way or pry you apart. |
Anonymous
Sounds like he'll say just about anything to stay in your pants. |
Anonymous
No they are all just good fellas.. |
Anonymous
And Karen loved every minute of it, well, except for when they got busted. Take note, gents. |