Sticky situation, please advise!
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Anonymous
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My DD broke up with her longtime BF (2.5 years) a few months ago. He wanted to stay friends, but she preferred no contact for a few months at least. The problem is that DD's other siblings (all teens) really bonded with exBF and miss his company. He used to hang out at the house a lot, family dinners, etc. Siblings have apparently been in contact with exBF and would like to get together and hang out with him, and he has agreed.
They have asked what I think, but have wisely not said anything to DD at this time. So: Do you think it is ok for them to hang out with the ex? Should we ask DD her opinion? (I'm pretty sure she'll say no) Let them hang out without telling DD? ( I don't really like this option, but it seems potentially the easiest...unless she found out later) |
Anonymous
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I think you (Mom) should stay out of it.
They are all teens and they are all on their electronics communicating with each other without your knowledge anyway. You should advise your other kids to do right by their sister-they should talk to her and consider her feelings. Other than that, as they get older, siblings have their own relationships that parents are not in charge of. |
Anonymous
| I agree to stay out of it. Let your children work it out themselves. |
Anonymous
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I agree. Stay out of it. Discuss with them the pros and cons - how sister might feel but it is their decision to make.
If they are young teens requiring your help - ie. driving them to meet him, then no. It will feel like you are taking sides or going behind your daughter's back. |
Anonymous
| ++ what everyone else said, stay out... |
Anonymous
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I think you should encourage them to think about how your daughter might feel, and how they would like to be treated if they were in her place, and the consequences of telling her or not. I don't think you should actively facilitate them seeing him AND you should make clear that you will not lie to them about where they are if they are with him (you will not be a party to deceiving your daughter). Otherwise, let them work it out.
UNLESS the reason for the breakup was that the ex was in any way abusive to your daughter. If she broke up with him because he was treating her badly, then I think it's a huge betrayal for your family to continue to hang out with him. If it's just a normal things-didn't-work-out breakup, then let the kids work it out themselves. |
Anonymous
I don't agree with this. I would teach my family values -- in families, siblings come first. In families, you take into consideration each others' feelings. You don't hurt people. I would not miss an opportunity to teach my kids that. I would never want my DC to create a lasting pain, feeling of disloyalty or bad memory for a sibling that will be there long after the ex is out of the picture. |
Anonymous
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I would probably tell them my opinion (since they asked) that its kind of a shitty thing to do, yes they might feel close to this person and feel its unfair that they can't be friends the same way they used to, but that's life sometimes when the choice is what you want vs. something that will upset someone you love. Then stay out.
They need to navigate this but I would also take the time to remind them of the family values we worked hard to instill (like PP mentioned) which for me includes this. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. |
Anonymous
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What will hanging-out entail? It would probably happen once, and then even with good intentions, the young man probably wouldn't have the patience/time to see them much.
I understand this. With 3 much older brothers growing up, I often bonded w/girlfriends only to have them out of my life unexpectedly. Everyone is saying to consider the sister's feelings. Well, as long as there's nothing wrong with the guy, I don't see why sister's feelings have to be paramount. She brought this guy into the lives of her family - hopefully not frivolously. I assume everyone is on facebook. The teens have probably friended the young man. It may be that keeping in occasional tough that way is the most comfortable. It's really up to the young man to act well - not but the teens in the middle in any way. But as mentioned, I do not think sister gets to call the shots. |
Anonymous
| pp poster again ~ Mom, I think this is a time when "you don't know" about any of this. And don't make it - seem - like it's a big deal. |
Anonymous
| They broke up several months okay, correct? Has does DD feel about the siblings getting together? Since it didn't happen last week, why not, unless DD strongly objects. |
Anonymous
The DD said she needed some time to be out of contact with him, presumably to heal and get over the relationship. Why is this not important? |
Anonymous
| Is this a secret from their sister? I agree you stay out of it - but they have to get ok from her. |
Anonymous
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How old are they?
Are siblings boys or girls? |