Sticky situation, please advise!

[Anonymous]

Oh dear me, we all have to tip-toe around sister.

[Anonymous]

There was another recent thread where a poster asked about getting together for lunch with her brother's ex. She asked her brother if he was okay with it and his answer indicated he wasn't. The majority of posters indicated the poster should still go for lunch with her brother's ex and not let her brother control her life and that his feelings didn't matter as they had broken up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear me, we all have to tip-toe around sister.

Who said tip toe? I said its kind of shitty- and that's all it is, not catastrophic but not the most kind thing in the world. People often have to deal with severing BIL/SIL relationships sometimes- these are teens it sounds like, they will survive. So will sister. All will survive and be fine with no lasting scarring no matter what happens- this is not a major problem- we know that.

The difference is that one way the sister deals with it and probably feels a little hurt/ left out/ whatever at the hands of her siblings and gets over it. The other way is that the siblings feel a little miffed that they don't get to hang out with ex BF a few more times and get over it. Lets be real, when this guy gets a new GF he probably will fall away pretty quickly anyway, so the siblings will be dealing with it anyway. I see just not meeting up and keeping in touch just via FB to be the kinder option. Not tiptoeing.

But maybe that's because I have a functional relationship with my siblings and don't carry baggage that way when I see posts like this.

I suppose an exception might be in a scenario where the siblings in question have limited older role models and the ex filled that role (but this sounds like a much more traditional family structure)

[Anonymous]

OP here,
Thanks for all the responses. I am hoping, as some have indicated, that the ex will be moving on soon and not interested in maintaining contact with the siblings. The next time the siblings bring it up, I will mention that they must talk with sister about it first and to consider her feelings. Otherwise I will stand back and out of the way. And yes, the siblings involved are boys.
I appreciate all the collective insight!

[Anonymous]

Yes, exactly how old are siblings and how old is this ex-BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, exactly how old are siblings and how old is this ex-BF.

They are all late teens, within a 4 year spread.

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask them to have a conversation with DD. the purpose is to give her a chance to share how it would make her feel. She also needs to hear how much they care about the ex and wish to maintain that bond. Then, they need to each share how they'll proceed based on the insights of the conversation. She will hear about the boys hanging out and it will be worse if everyone kept it from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear me, we all have to tip-toe around sister.

Or being considerate of her feelings, depending on how you view relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was another recent thread where a poster asked about getting together for lunch with her brother's ex. She asked her brother if he was okay with it and his answer indicated he wasn't. The majority of posters indicated the poster should still go for lunch with her brother's ex and not let her brother control her life and that his feelings didn't matter as they had broken up.

I didn't think that was the consensus. I'm sure some families behave this way but not close, healthy ones. There are countless examples of unhealthy ones on DCUM....

[Anonymous]

Teach your kids that if they're doing something they need to keep hidden or hush-hush, there's probably something wrong with it.

If they can't even discuss this with their sibling, they already know it's a jerk move.

[Anonymous]

I would discourage them from actually getting together, but not texting/emailing/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Stay out of it. Discuss with them the pros and cons - how sister might feel but it is their decision to make.

If they are young teens requiring your help - ie. driving them to meet him, then no. It will feel like you are taking sides or going behind your daughter's back.

I don't agree with this. I would teach my family values -- in families, siblings come first. In families, you take into consideration each others' feelings. You don't hurt people. I would not miss an opportunity to teach my kids that. I would never want my DC to create a lasting pain, feeling of disloyalty or bad memory for a sibling that will be there long after the ex is out of the picture.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,
Thanks for all the responses. I am hoping, as some have indicated, that the ex will be moving on soon and not interested in maintaining contact with the siblings. The next time the siblings bring it up, I will mention that they must talk with sister about it first and to consider her feelings. Otherwise I will stand back and out of the way. And yes, the siblings involved are boys.
I appreciate all the collective insight!

Yes, they should talk to their sister first. What if the guy cheated on her or something. She may or may not have shared with you all the real reason they broke up.