I can't talk to my husband

[Anonymous]

I mean, I can. But I have to edit a lot of what I say. Over the years I have learned to hold in any indecision I may be having, second guesses on big decisions, worries, etc. He gets a look of physical annoyance on his face anytime I do so. If I try to get his opinion on big, joint decisions, (for example, picking a contractor for a home repair or what school to send our daughter), he will just dismiss the question, basically leaving me to decide alone. He told me once that he found it "very depressing" that I had expressed doubts about the school we decided to send our child to.

There is so much more. He asks for my opinion and gets defensive when my opinion isn't in line with his. He doesn't let me have breaks away from him and the kids without some guilt (oh you had a nice time? You should do it more often. But it was really HARD watching the mids all by myself...etc etc) or phone call with a tantrumy child on the other end. There is so much more.

He is not a bad guy. He's a good guy. He is a good dad. But we just don't seem to be good friends. I feel like all the goodwill is gone. I'm definitely not perfect in this relationship. But I'm tired of feeling lonely. I want a partner who I can talk with and be open with, who cares what I say and how I feel. We fight over the stupidest things. I hate living like this. I have suggested counseling over and over but he still hasn't made an apointment. (He needs to make it because I never know what his work schedule will be). I even sent him a list of counselors. He thinks the problem is all me and doesn't see it's us. I'm tired and lonely living with him.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine, except your husband might be a little bit nicer than mine! I'm not even allowed to MAKE any decisions. When I'm left with no choice, I worry about how he will react because he makes me feel guilty and like every decision I make IS wrong. Then he criticizes me for NOT being able to make decisions! It's absolutely crazy.

I'm sorry, I know how you feel, and I think this all the time. It is lonely and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Just schedule a day a few weeks out. That way he will have time to work his schedule around it. Just get the ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

It almost sounds like he may have some depression/anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a jerk. Seriously, he can't watch the kids, yet he expects you to do it all the time?

Marriage counselor or lawyer. Why do people put up with this stuff and make themselves miserable?

If he doesn't value your opinion, don't give it to him. Honestly, I wouldn't be married to someone who didn't value my opinion. There is nothing wrong with having disagreements. The problem is the lack of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine, except your husband might be a little bit nicer than mine! I'm not even allowed to MAKE any decisions. When I'm left with no choice, I worry about how he will react because he makes me feel guilty and like every decision I make IS wrong. Then he criticizes me for NOT being able to make decisions! It's absolutely crazy.

I'm sorry, I know how you feel, and I think this all the time. It is lonely and it sucks.

i think we must be married to the same man

[Anonymous]

The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Schedule the appt, tell him when it is, and tell him if he can't make it, you will go without him. Then go. You need therapy even more than he does. You need to figure out why you married this guy, and why you have tolerated this situation, and then you need to figure out whether and how you can continue to live this way (the only way is to stop trying to get blood from a stone and find your emotional support from people other than your DH), and if not, you'll need someone to talk to as you navigate divorce and custody issues.

[Anonymous]

Really, PP? Divorce? Seems a bit extreme here.

[Anonymous]

Damn does anybody in this area stay married? Based on the various threads in this forum I'd estimate the divorce rate at 98%.

[Anonymous]

I totally get what you're saying OP. My husband isn't as overtly rude as yours, but the feeling of not being truly partners with him has weighed on me. I've talked about it to death, but it will never change. I fear how the next year goes, as we attempt to navigate a move out of the area. All I hear from him is "I want" and "I won't do xyz" and "I" this and "I" that. At one point he just sat there and seemed to be waiting for a reply. I said, "I'm sorry, am I part of this at all? I thought you were just planning your future. Throw a "we" in there every now and then and maybe I'll listen." It's beyond frustrating. He's first and foremost in his mind at ALL TIMES. It would nice if our daughter and I would factor in every now and then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP? Divorce? Seems a bit extreme here.

Really? You're okay living with someone who gets physically annoyed when you want to talk about something?

Here's the question. Do people like this treat their colleagues this way? Or do they reserve this bullshit behavior for the person they are supposed to love best?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bit about annoyance when talk to him to express indecision might have a gender component to it. I think women talk to process feelings in a way that men often do not and often don't understand.

Probably. DW called me last night because she was stuck in a storm and I have no idea what she was looking for from me. I'm not there, I can't evaluate whether she should get a hotel room or drive through the storm to come home. So we just sorta sit there on the phone and the inertia is like nails on a chalkboard. I told her if she doesn't feel safe driving then by all means get a hotel. Or she could stop and get some food to kill time while the weather clears up.

I'm sure she wanted emotional support and to discuss options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn does anybody in this area stay married? Based on the various threads in this forum I'd estimate the divorce rate at 98%.

Happily married people seldom post in this forum.