How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids

[Anonymous]

I have two kids, a three-year old and a baby. I love them and am doing what I think is a good job as a parent. But, I am wondering how to develop a good relationship that will last past when they leave home as adults. I realize this is a very long time away, but I am interested in trying to lay a good foundation for life so that when they do leave the nest they will will WANT to continue to be in regular communication with my husband and me.

This may sound like an odd question, but I don't have a great relationship with my parents and we don't talk much. Even when we do, I don't share things with them (for example, they have no idea that I went through several miscarriages or that I was trying to have my first child for years). So I don't really know how you get a good relationship going. My DH doesn't have a close relationship with his parents either. But I have some friends who call their parents a couple of times a week and actually seem to enjoy reaching out to them and having close relationships. I do know one way how to not have a good relationship - by ignoring your kids and being somewhat mean or dismissive, so I can avoid that trap. I wonder if there are some tips on how to create a great relationship like taking family classes or having alone time with each kid individually on a weekly basis, etc.

Who has tips on how to create a close, lasting bond? Do you have a great relationship with your parents and have some parenting tips to pass along to help create such a bond?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty close with my parents, as are my siblings, some of whom had a really rough relationship with my folks for awhile. So, I'm sure its different for everyone, but i would imagine a lot of it is just because we conceive ourselves (then and now!) as a family unit. family vacations, family holidays, family traditions, family games, family projects, family problems, family goals. we were always part of something bigger than us and expected to go along to get along. i don't mean we got ignored as individuals, quite the opposite, but there always was the larger collective. our close friends got sort of invited in to whatever family event was going on (and were usually overwhelmed). I now conceive of my own nuclear family as part of that collective (much to my husband's occasional dismay), even though we live far away and can't see everyone constantly. But I always try my damnedest to make family events, to call my parents and siblings regularly, and to stay in touch with their goings on. And when i can't see them, i try to recreate my family traditions at home here in DC.

but that's just the way we did it, and I'm sure all that isn't necessary. assuming you're good, kind, loving parents, i think the longterm bond just happens organically. some of the hard part probably comes later when you have to simultaneously let go, respect their independence, and yet still form a relationship as a adult and hang on to a loving bond when they're facing away from you most of the time. And that requires the cooperation of your kids . . .

[Anonymous]

family traditions

eating meals together

some sense of positive discipline

show up at their events

open conversations with value for their opinions and emotions

good book - 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Covey

[Anonymous]

If you haven't read "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" I'd recommend it. I think there's a lot of good stuff about how to lay the groundwork for a strong, trusting relationship with your kids and how to encourage your kids to communicate honestly with you.

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my parents. I am also a therapist and have many clients who DO NOT have such great relationships. I think the biggest thing is being able to let go. Let go of conflicts and work through them so people aren't harboring hurt feelings from things that happened years ago. You can teach your kids the skills to work through conflict and hurt feelings and you can model it yourself. You can let your kids know that they can tell you anything.

[Anonymous]

* Listen

* Be human and share your stories of triumph but also struggle and failure

* Listen

* Love and hug

* Listen

* Provide unconditional love by telling and showing them that you love them no matter what

* Listen

* Set boundaries so they know how to treat people (including you) *and* know how others should treat them

* Listen

* Set them up for success, which might often mean not that you set the bar low so that they "win" but rather tell them that winning really isn't always the most important thing--rather there is great value in trying hard, struggling, and sometimes not making it

* Listen

* Treat them with respect--their interests, their desires, their questions

* Listen

* Have fun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:family traditions

eating meals together

some sense of positive discipline

show up at their events

open conversations with value for their opinions and emotions

good book - 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Covey

I would add to to this

have a faith tradition if you are even the tiniest bit religious. Having common spiritual and moral values creates a bond. We cement it further by prayer at home and communal worship.

Don't sweat the small stuff. It just distracts you from what really matters.

Give the present of time together rather than stuff. We do very small gifts and splurge on trips instead. Gifts are often board games or other items that promote family quality time. ex. Jenga rather than headphones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:* Listen

* Be human and share your stories of triumph but also struggle and failure

* Listen

* Love and hug

* Listen

* Provide unconditional love by telling and showing them that you love them no matter what

* Listen

* Set boundaries so they know how to treat people (including you) *and* know how others should treat them

* Listen

* Set them up for success, which might often mean not that you set the bar low so that they "win" but rather tell them that winning really isn't always the most important thing--rather there is great value in trying hard, struggling, and sometimes not making it

* Listen

* Treat them with respect--their interests, their desires, their questions

* Listen

* Have fun

As someone who just adores my mom and dad, THIS.

I am doing these things with my kids (also 3 and a baby!) to ensure they have the same loving home environment I had.

The only thing I'd add is to have patience. If you are impatient, you are more likely to treat your kids dismissively, not listen, jump to discipline before it's necessary in situations, show frustration instead of love, and not model how a respectful family treats one another. Patience is sort of the foundation on which everything else is built.

[Anonymous]

I think family traditions are really important. But a lot of what makes your relationship end up strong as an adult is you all are as adults. My parents were horrible parents to me in my adulthood -- and since I was old enough and mature enough to get it, I could do something about it (not be close to them). So focus on being the best parent to your small children now, and when they grow up you can focus on being the best parent you can be to them as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think family traditions are really important. But a lot of what makes your relationship end up strong as an adult is you all are as adults. My parents were horrible parents to me in my adulthood -- and since I was old enough and mature enough to get it, I could do something about it (not be close to them). So focus on being the best parent to your small children now, and when they grow up you can focus on being the best parent you can be to them as adults.

...is HOW you all are as adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, all I can tell you is what I have seen over the years - from many, many big families in my life. I have seen overly "strict" parents, who think their children will defer to them and respect them, into their old age. They don't. Actually, the kids secretly can not wait to get out of the house AWAY from their overbearing parents.

Don't overbook your children and dictate to them. Allow them some say in their lives. Yes, you are the parent, but a parent/child relationship is NOT communism and you are not a dictator.

Be there for them. Don't just "say" you are there for them, actually show it.

GL. We are all learning as we go along, but this I remember and do every day.

[Anonymous]

1) Be as accepting and non-judgmental as possible
2) Provide as much support and unconditional love as possible
3) Positive discipline - teach, don't lecture or punish, as much as possible.

You're kids are so young that this sounds easy now, but once they become more independent and start behaving in all kinds of rude, bratty difficult ways, still accepting and loving them unconditionally can be a challenge.

[Anonymous]

I don't know! I try to let my kids know that I like being with them and that I think they're fun and funny. We do lots of family stuff together. I give them some control over their lives and let them think they're making "big" decisions. I act silly with them, I don't insult them or use negative reinforcement. I have boundaries and structure but am not overly strict. We have a wide circle of friends and I try to model how to be a good friend and a reliable person. I tell them every day that I love them, I tell them they're smart and funny and good at things they try to do. Sometimes I let the laundry go and just go do Playdoh with them, or paint on the back deck.

I have no idea what the outcome of my parenting will be. I hope good! I just think the bottom line is if your home is stable and happy, the kids have structure, and the kids know you love them AND like them, it's hard to go wrong.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, in my opinion, just being there and caring about them goes such a long way. Kids want to love their parents, so it's almost difficult, I think to have a long-lasting bad relationship (i know it happens here and there, but generally). I speak from my own experience. If you just let them know you love them and are actively interested in them and their lives you are going to do a great job.

[Anonymous]

I've wondered about this too. I don't have a particularly close relationship with my parents. I made an effort to have a conversation with my mom this past weekend and found the few benign statements I made were met by either a dismissive or contradictory remark, which just reminded me why I don't share with her. I don't want this type of relationship with my kids when they are adults and worry about it.