Has a male boss ever told you to be "nicer"?

[Anonymous]

In a job at a senior executive level (i.e., the type of job where you have to be there bearer of bad news, tell people things they might not want to hear, etc.). Recently, the head of another department (but a "boss" nonetheless) told me that a more junior person felt I was "aggressive" and that I should be "nicer." Yes, I am a woman.

I'm not one to reflexively suggest sexism…but in this case I simply cannot imagine a man being "accused" of being aggressive and actually told to be "nicer."

A little backstory: I knew of the incident he was referring to - after a system crash, a staffer came in to "help" solve the system problem (after multiple attempts to get this staffer to be bothered to help) but instead of fixing it, staffer made comments about the history of the systems etc. In that moment, I said - in an authoritative way (not aggressive at all in my opinion) - that the history didn't matter, but I just needed to get the document out quickly. (I've worked in truly aggressive environments and, for the sake of this conversation, let's just agree that there was nothing "aggressive" about it. It was a more senior person setting a clear and direct expectation.)

I'm a relatively new employee. This same staffer has been unwilling from day one to provide basic company information necessary to ramp me up (at a fairly high level). I've hit my personal limit with this employee, but have simply tried to "work around" this person rather than engage/discuss/argue. However, I found out today, that this staffer went to a senior executive and characterized our meeting as "aggressive" and clearly planted the seed that there was an issue with me (without, of course, accurately describing the events in question).

How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Sorry. I would try to avoid that employee and plant the seed that you believe your actions may have been mischaracterized with the senior exec. That said I am a female and have been told twice by a senior executive (my immediate superior) that I "need to be more of a bitch," and that bothered me too.

[Anonymous]

Oh, ugh. It sounds like you are going to have to be very careful of the "culture" there. It sounds sexist indeed, but at least you were told about this instead of them just talking behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, ugh. It sounds like you are going to have to be very careful of the "culture" there. It sounds sexist indeed, but at least you were told about this instead of them just talking behind your back.

A good point, but it's pretty clear that they've been talking "behind my back" for a couple of weeks. I think you are exactly correct, the "culture" is a big problem. Lots of passive, circular communication coupled with a "flat" hierarchy (always the worst in my opinion). Uh oh.

[Anonymous]

I would tell this person's boss what you said about him being un-forthcoming and not a "team" player.

[Anonymous]

He was being nice and didn't say stop being a bitch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was being nice and didn't say stop being a bitch

Agreed. That is what he was saying. The point is (even though it cannot be proven here) that the interaction in question simply was not aggressive or "not-nice" in any way. It was a very normal interaction - albeit an interaction of a more senior person needing decisive action from a more junior person. That's the problem -- that this boss is so ready to accept that staff member's account of a normal interaction. In addition, it is odd that a senior executive (the boss) would feel so comfortable sharing that I should be "nicer." I am a senior exec woman. WTH was he thinking in making such and incendiary remark?

[Anonymous]

I have told two male employees to stop being so aggressive and to be nicer. I actually think that men are told to tone it down more often than women. At least where I work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told two male employees to stop being so aggressive and to be nicer. I actually think that men are told to tone it down more often than women. At least where I work.

Have you ever done that when they weren't aggressive in the first place. I think that's the issue here. If a female executive asking a staffer to complete a job quickly is the equivalent of being "aggressive" then I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

You should read about the difference between aggressive and assertive.

I use to be insensitive, now I am more effective being "nicer".

[Anonymous]

I would say, " 'Nicer' implies there are emotions involved. There are none. I was trying to move business forward, and that's what I'm here to do support the business." People don't often like to hear that, but as I say, we're not running a day care, we're running a business.

Men often try to appeal to emotions when dealing with women, it becomes our responsibility to take that type of communication off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say, " 'Nicer' implies there are emotions involved. There are none. I was trying to move business forward, and that's what I'm here to do support the business." People don't often like to hear that, but as I say, we're not running a day care, we're running a business.

Men often try to appeal to emotions when dealing with women, it becomes our responsibility to take that type of communication off the table.

I agree completely.

[Anonymous]

Was the junior person who said you were aggressive a man or a woman? the boss was relaying what the person involved in the interaction told them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have told two male employees to stop being so aggressive and to be nicer. I actually think that men are told to tone it down more often than women. At least where I work.

Have you ever done that when they weren't aggressive in the first place. I think that's the issue here. If a female executive asking a staffer to complete a job quickly is the equivalent of being "aggressive" then I'm at a loss.

Sometimes people aren't aware of how they come across. They struggle with the boundary between assertive and aggressive. I don't know why the junior staffer felt Op was aggressive. We would have to hear her/his side of the story about what was said, the tone it was said in, and the non verbal message conveyed.

[Anonymous]

I have so much rage these days about this stuff. It's right under my skin and I feel like I am going to burst. This hobby lobby stuff is all wrapped into it too. Not to change the subject but it's this small stuff that is a cancer for women and for society .