Separation: Living together for a month before separation

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are separating- he's moving out on August 1st. If you've gone through this do you have any tips about how to live together somewhat peacefully after you've asked for separation, but before your spouse actually moved out? I try VERY hard not to get into arguments with him, but it's very challenging because he gets really mad when I don't engage. I gave him a month because I thought it might make the separation/divorce process go more smoothly. Now I'm kind of regretting that decision.

I've asked him to move out because he's verbally abusive (me and DS) and several times a month is physically abusive (DS only; not spanking, no bruises, CPS won't take case). We have two kids (7 and 3). He's angry and acts like it's all my fault. I tried for almost 4 years to get him help (marriage counseling, individual therapy, medication for BPD, parenting classes, new less stressful job for him, etc) and just can't deal anymore.

Looking for helpful, constructive ideas. I feel very sad about the situation. Thanks

[Anonymous]

Can you go on vacation the week before he moves? That's when things will be the most volatile.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I have only been through this once, but I was out of the house and somewhere else by the end of the day I told her I wanted a divorce. I really can't imagine trying to share a space unless this is something you've both agreed to (and it is mutually agreeable). Can one of you couch surf or stay with a friend/relative for the next month? That's a long stretch. I agree w/ pp that the final couple of days is bound to be the worst.

If he's belligerent and abusive as you say (and needs psych meds!!!!) then I'm pretty sure you are the one who is going to have to move out. Take the kids and go visit the grands for the summer.

[Anonymous]

I slept at a friends house while waiting for exDH to move out.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thanks- great idea to go visit the grandparents that last week.
For PP who lived with a friend for a while before XH moved out- did you have kids?

[Anonymous]

It was 45 days from the day I signed a lease until the day I moved out.

We were adults....so we handled it like adults. Instead of arguing, we just focused on arrangements for when I moved out. Schedule for the kids, what stuff I'd be taking, how do we tie up financial stuff, etc.

I spent more time out of the house and so did she.

My only advice is to just face it that it is over and move on. Arguing won't solve a thing at this point. Focus on the future. 30 days will fly by.

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP! If he is physically AND verbally abusive, it is going to be a L-O-N-G long month. I honestly do not know what advice I can give you.

I don't know how I could do it. I couldn't.

Personally, I don't think you should give him another day.

He needs to leave. Like yesterday.

[Anonymous]

I stayed in a hotel waiting for my ex-DH to move out. It was expensive, but safe. The day he was done, I had the locksmith meet me at the house.

[Anonymous]

Stbx would not move our until we got sep agreement in placec which was more than 6 months of hell. Best thig is to travel, visit friends, find a lot of activities outside the house and make a (private) countdown calendar,

Good luck. You'll all be better off!

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and be out of the house w/ the kids as much as possible. I hope it goes quickly.

[Anonymous]

Start to ask a few friends if you can stay at their house for a week or so with your kids. Offer to help out with chores, groceries, etc. I would not stay in the house with him.

[Anonymous]

Most people I know who divorced said that the hardest time period was when they lived together after deciding to divorce. Try to stay with friends or family as much as you can over the time period. Or ask DH to move out and choose a date for him to come and collect his things. Have a mutual friend or some family members with you on the day he moves his things out in case it escalates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start to ask a few friends if you can stay at their house for a week or so with your kids. Offer to help out with chores, groceries, etc. I would not stay in the house with him.

I would also set up a "safe house" to go to if things become bad, even in the middle of the night. A good friend, neighbor, who would lend you a key until this is over. Way easier than a hotel in a crisis.