The evolution of the parent-child dynamic when the child becomes a parent
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Anonymous
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Does anyone have any good reading or something on how the parent-child dynamic changes when the child becomes a parent? My mom and I are struggling with this (still, 2.5 years in). I'm sure a lot of the issues are specific to our situation, but I wonder if part of it is just a process that people go through at this stage in life?
FWIW, she lives across the country, sees my child weekly via Skype and 2-3 weeks a year for visits, but I can't get past my perception that she only sees me as a gateway to her grandchild now, which makes me want to limit communication further. I realize that's not a healthy reaction on my part, but am not sure what to do about it. Our relationship was decent, if fairly superficial, before my child was born. |
Anonymous
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Well, now you see how "decent if superficial" compares to the obsessive love of a grandparent. I would imagine it doesn't feel that great!
Do you talk with your mom beyond the weekly skype visits? How often did you chat with her before you had a baby? |
Anonymous
| Oh Lord, OP. The only reason my parents tolerate me is to see their grandchild...who is in middle school. My kid is a rockstar and they are her groupies. I find it to be hilarious and adorable. I know my place and I am eternally thankful that they are so happy to be grandparents and adore her so much. |
Anonymous
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Try to separate the two relationships. If you would like to have a closer relationship with your mother, can you talk to her about doing that or just take steps on your own to try to foster additional closeness? If at all possible, try to not entwine the two relationships, remember your mom is older and in a different place in her life than she was when she was raising you. This may mean that she is emotionally able to do things differently with your kids than she did with you. All you can do now is try to connect further with her where she is now, IF she is willing and able to do that. If not, let me throw this out there. Try your best, if not emotionally destructive to any party, to allow your kids and your mom develop their relationship as best they can. Eventually, your kids will see and understand how your mom treats you and the nature of the relationship between the two of you. It is one of the greatest gifts and lessons for you to be able to model grace and understanding to your kids by not interfering DESPITE you not getting what you want and need from your mom. I hope this is not the case, but I say this as the granddaughter in the situation you speak of and the child of divorce whose mother is my hero for ever denigrating my father and allowing me to see him for who he was and developing our own relationship. The same to be said of my grandmother who was not and is not fully emotionally available to my mom.
Best of luck -- hope it works out for everyone. |
Anonymous
Absolutely true. I realized in my 2nd trimester and my parents were asking about my baby spending summers with them, that this wasn't just our (DH and mine) baby, this was THEIR baby, too. When I realized/accepted that, the anxiety I had been feeling about them being overbearing just melted away. That doesn't mean I don't put my foot down about things, but generally, when they have him for visits, anything goes at grandparent camp. Naps...who needs them? Structure....please! But he has a GREAT time. It's nice to see the people that grounded me and made my teen years at times miserable melt in the presence of this kid and bend over backwards to see him as much as possible. Even if they sometimes look through me to do it. And yes, my Dad actually said to us one day: We don't need you two anymore - you're just the vessels that got me this kid! They adore my kid and he them, I am extremely grateful for that. Especially since it's not rare for my MIL to not even hold him during a 4 hour visit... |