How to support a family just receiving an autism diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Friend and her DH just received an autism diagnosis for their newly turned 2 year old son. They are a wonderful couple who will do everything they are told to do for him, but I know this is hard to hear. I think they were expecting to hear he has speech delays, not something bigger. (The drs. pinpointed his lack of speech to date and slow response to new people) That said, I guess the specialists are hopeful that with much intervention now, he could make great strides. I do not live near them but email regularly and they have a blog where we chat. They have been open about the diagnosis with family and friends but I sense they are putting on a happy face.

I guess I'm just at a loss for what to say that doesn't sound so upbeat that I'm ignoring the situation or so "hang in there" that it sounds like doom and gloom.

[Anonymous]

There is a great book - they may not be ready to receive it but it is called The Thinking Person's Guide to Autism

It may be worth for you to read it as well.

[Anonymous]

Don't buy a book. If they want one, they can buy it.

Just send an email saying you are thinking of them, that much be very difficult and is there anything you can do to help.

[Anonymous]

Continue to include them as the years go by and insist that your children do so.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a wonderful friend. This is a tough one because we all need different things. I think you have to tread lightly. I always hated when people felt sorry for me and would not have liked someone saying "this much be difficult." I also hated when people poo pooed the dx saying "everyone is autistic these days." Don't give advice unless she wants it. Also, (IMO) don't tell her about some genius you know who spoke at 5, never got intervention and now is some Einstein type.

I would tell her she is such a great mother and you know she will get him whatever he needs. Ask her to let you know what is helpful and what isn't helpful from you. I liked hopefully stories and book recs (like Overcoming Autism), but some people hate that. I also found it helpful when people gave me contact info for friends of theirs who were in the same boat and now the child is doing well.

[Anonymous]

I pretty much agree with 12:40. Just send her a note letting her know you're thinking of her.

You may want to look at "A Friend's Guide to Autism"
http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/tool-kits/family-support-tool-kits#friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue to include them as the years go by and insist that your children do so.

+100
Your friend may end up losing other friends, so they need you even more. Just as a friend. A tolerant friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue to include them as the years go by and insist that your children do so.

+100
Your friend may end up losing other friends, so they need you even more. Just as a friend. A tolerant friend.

Listen to her if she wants to talk about it but don't push. Take your lead from her. You can read up on articles but don't quote them to her. She is going to be reading more than you are. You aren't and won't become an autism expert and she has real professionals who will be advising her. Totally agree with the pp's that what she and her family will need is a friend. Even though we don't have an autism diagnosis, we lost a lot of friends over the years and it's hard. We treasure the families who treat my ds like one of the gang, especially as he's getting older and doesn't have many friends at school.

[Anonymous]

It's great you are thinking of her in her time of need. I would make it a point to keep in touch and check in periodically to see how she/they are doing....just being a good friend in general. Don't offer advice, read up a little on autism so you have a basic idea of what she might be telling you and if you know of anyone who could be a resource to her- by all means put her in touch with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's great you are thinking of her in her time of need. I would make it a point to keep in touch and check in periodically to see how she/they are doing....just being a good friend in general. Don't offer advice, read up a little on autism so you have a basic idea of what she might be telling you and if you know of anyone who could be a resource to her- by all means put her in touch with them.

This is good. Be there, available but not intrusive. Thank you for being so thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue to include them as the years go by and insist that your children do so.

+100
Your friend may end up losing other friends, so they need you even more. Just as a friend. A tolerant friend.

Yes! Also your kids can be great social role models. I would not force them to play, but just encourage respect and understanding and maybe try to foster a relationship if it's possible. Regardless, your friendship and support will mean a lot.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who wouldn't be bothered by a SN diagnosis as long as it doesn't mean my child will die soon? I really wonder. If someone told me their child has autism, to me it's as if they told me their child has black hair. I wouldn't find it horrible, sad, hard to deal with or anything. Just be their friend and offer your help when they need it - pretty much do what you have been doing before.

[Anonymous]

Your a good friend to even think about how to respond and be supportive. The advice already given has been great. My son was diagnosed a few months ago so I speak from recent experience... Do not ask about what causes it, vaccines or any of that stuff... It's super annoying to try to respond. Something that has been truly touching is when my friends share in our "baby step" successes! Things that are common or typical may be a giant leap for a child with autism. If your friend is excited about something thst seems small, understand that it probably is huge in their world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who wouldn't be bothered by a SN diagnosis as long as it doesn't mean my child will die soon? I really wonder. If someone told me their child has autism, to me it's as if they told me their child has black hair. I wouldn't find it horrible, sad, hard to deal with or anything. Just be their friend and offer your help when they need it - pretty much do what you have been doing before.

Have you had such a diagnosis? We have. At 5 our child still has significant days. I worry every day about his future. I worry will he ever fully talk and understand. I worry can he take care of himself. I worried when he didn't potty train till a few months ago. Please do not minimize a special need to comparing it to a hair color. We spend every day running to therapy appointments. It is not the life I planned, but I love my child and I'll do anything for him to get him the help he needs. I envisioned his young years at the playground, trips, etc. not speech, OT and PT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who wouldn't be bothered by a SN diagnosis as long as it doesn't mean my child will die soon? I really wonder. If someone told me their child has autism, to me it's as if they told me their child has black hair. I wouldn't find it horrible, sad, hard to deal with or anything. Just be their friend and offer your help when they need it - pretty much do what you have been doing before.

Have you had such a diagnosis? We have. At 5 our child still has significant days. I worry every day about his future. I worry will he ever fully talk and understand. I worry can he take care of himself. I worried when he didn't potty train till a few months ago. Please do not minimize a special need to comparing it to a hair color. We spend every day running to therapy appointments. It is not the life I planned, but I love my child and I'll do anything for him to get him the help he needs. I envisioned his young years at the playground, trips, etc. not speech, OT and PT.

+1