HELP-MIL is comming tomorrow & my anxiety is through the roof!

[Anonymous]

Okay, so my Mother-in-Law of 13 years now is coming to town tomorrow. I am literally dreading it! The woman clearly hates me and goes out of her way to be completely disrespectful, ignorant, crude, and insane around me. All of mine and my husbands friends, and some of our family see it. My husband sais he see's it (her nasty behavior), though I don't feel he really gets the whole picture or the anguish it truly causes me. At times, I even feel like leaving him because of her. Well, let me give you a short-cut background and some insight into what I'm subjected too.

Originally when my husband and I got together, him and his mother didn't really have a relationship. She is a recovering alcoholic and was never really there for him as a child. They moved around a ton, she married 3 or 4 times, you can picture the rest. He, my husband, always at that time, seemed to have more admiration and child-mother like love for his Aunt who has since passed away. Well, me, thinking I'm Mrs. Fix it, decided to help repair this damaged relationship between him and his mom. Big big big mistake! So, I sent her X-Mas gifts, cards, etc., invited her to come visit prior to us getting married, took her shopping, out to lunch, you name it, I did it. Soon & behold, a relationship of more value took place (more value than the care package she would send him once a year from NC). They called each other, talked, etc. Yea right? NOT!

Well, to cut the story somewhat shorter.....life goes on...we get married, have a child together (I have another daughter from a previous as well- this is important to know). Now, the HELL begins!
When I had my second child to my husband, his mother flew up right away to be with us (stay with us) for two weeks, mind you, none of this was even discussed with me if I was okay with it. Anyhow, she told my husband that she was going to stay a couple weeks and help me with the baby etc. (ughhh....I already had a child, I'm more then capable on my own). But, we did just move into a new place and everything was in boxes, no time to unpack before the baby was born, so I kept quiet thinking it might be nice to have some help. Help.....nope..got none of that. Instead, while my husband was at work and oldest daughter in First grade, she, the MIL, left all day long to go shopping. She would come back to the house 20 minutes prior to mu hubby walking in the door acting as if she was there the whole time helping me. Then the minute he got home, was rushing him out the door to continue shopping or visit people, etc. She would state "She will be fine hunny, she needs to rest with the baby, lets me and you go get a new shed or whatever" After a 11/2 weeks of this, I asked my husband if he could ask his parents to stay with his Aunt & uncle (who even have a much larger home) for one night, so that me, him, our oldest daughter and the new baby can have some time to get acquainted. This infuriated his mother (don't forget I was never even included in the decision for her to stay with us anyways but was being a good sport of it). Anyhow after throwing a tantrum, she packed up and left, leaving us to believe that she drove back to NC. She even had her sister, brother, and nieces, play along with the fact that she left for NC. This totally upset my hubby, geez to have just recently repaired a relationship w/ his mom and now for it to go down the pooper again...yes, he was hurt, I felt responsible, we tried calling her- no answer- left messages- no return call, etc. The situation then begun to cause arguments between me and hubby. A month later, we find out the truth. MIL never left, she went to her brothers as we originally asked her to, they had picnics, went on motorcycle rides, etc. She had a great time, while we worried.
Well, we got through that, but soooo much more was yet to come from this evil woman filled with so much jealousy and hatred.
She has always treated our daughters differently for one. Yes, one child will get a ton of elaborate gifts, while the other gets socks. Most recently, we hen she was up for a visit we asked if she could give our oldest daughter (now 17)a ride home from a meeting, she agreed with no problems. Later, I go home to find our daughter in tears because grandma aka MIL dropped her off at the end of the road and told her to walk the rest of the way because she needs exercise and is getting to fat. UGH....what kind of grandma says that, and our oldest daughter really struggles with her weight and is so insecure in that regard.
Now, I'm going to start on a rant.....boy does reliving some of what she has dose really fire me up.
So many times I have cooked dinner for this woman when she was in town and she would be out with the kids etc as I'm cooking a nice meal, later to return not hungry because they had Pizza or Subway, that's if she didn't just blow off my dinner completely. And for the record, I'm a fabulous cook and have in the past catered events, so it's not like my food is bad...she just is.
She calls my hubby daily, sometimes two or three times a day. She will complain about me to him. Once in the past, when me and hubby were arguing and I left for a night, I come home to find a letter from her (MIL) to him, written on the back of a welcome home card our oldest daughter made her that said: "You can't worry about _____anymore and ____is not your real daughter. You have to only worry about yourself and your daughter now. Try to get the house in your name" WTF.
On with my rant......there has been so many times where she just invited her entire family over to my house without asking me or hubby. She has no respect for whatever we may be doing or have planned and on many occasions it was in the midst of us eating dinner, so I felt compelled to start busting out some more cooking. She, MIL, would tell other people lets go over ______(her sons) house, there's plenty of food, etc. Yeah, that's another thing, it's always her sons house, not ever mine and his house.
So many times she condescends me in front of my children. She will tell them they can go back to NC with her, without approving this with me or hubby. Once she told our daughter she could skip school and stay at her house. I said no. Then, in front of everyone she says: "Yes, she can! She can miss school for one day, I'm taking her the museum that's an educational field trip. You said she's an honor role student so one day wont hurt anything."
So many times when we're visiting her and she's having get together, etc. She will host to everyone but me. She will purposely ask everyone around me if they had enough to eat or need a drink, etc. and literally skip me. One time when I showed up for a get together with hubby, she looked right at me and said: " If I knew ALL of you were coming I would've ordered more pizza (God knows she has to order our cause her food sucks!). I don't think there will be enough." Really.......meanwhile there is two boxes of pizza left. So, of course, even though I was famished, I ate nothing. Then shortly after she made her rounds asking if everyone had enough pizza, knowing I had none, but never asked me.
Okay one more rant.....I always have taken her and some of her family to Steeler/Pirates games etc. I even just gave her tix since she is a huge Steeler fan. Well, this past X-mas I gave her four Steelers Tix, a few weeks later I was going to a work event where the Steelers would be. MIL agreed to watch our daughter, since she would be in town, so hubby could accompany me to the event. The evening before the event she tells us that she's leaving to go back to NC, so no babysitter. Okay, I'm upset but oh well, nothing I can do. I call a friend from work letting them know to invite someone else, my hubby can't make it. The following week, MIL blows up my hubbys phone flipping out about me, saying how rude and ignorant I am, that I know how much she love's the Steeler's and I didn't invite her to go with me or take her football to get signed.......SERRIOUSLY!!???
Anyhow, the witch comes tomorrow.....I must grow a backbone by than, for I promised myself that I will NOT stand by and be quiet to her shenanigan's and misbehavior anymore. I'm not scoring any brownie points keeping my mouth shut, so now time to let loose.......though I still need a pep talk and advice. HELP

[Anonymous]

Call your PCP and tell him your MIL from hell is coming to stay and you need 5 xanax to get thru the trip - the lowest dose 0.25 mg ones (and cut those in 1/2). i did that - she came, she combusted right after walking in - was a full on rage - and DH kicked her out and she went back to the west coast. what a nightmare DH said I looked so composed I said thank you xanax!!!

[Anonymous]

Why oh why did you invite her at all?

Stop agreeing to visits, and be prepared to pay for her flight home when it all blows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why oh why did you invite her at all?

Stop agreeing to visits, and be prepared to pay for her flight home when it all blows up.

This! And I'm sorry if the answer was in there somewhere I had to start skimming.

From what I did read she has given you nothing but grief and been vicious and cruel to you from the beginning.

Again, why are you allowing someone like this into your home with your children? And why is you DH OK with any of these visits?

I feel for you, but on the other hand, when you make your bed over and over it doesn't make sense to whine about having to lie in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why oh why did you invite her at all?

Stop agreeing to visits, and be prepared to pay for her flight home when it all blows up.

Your post was WAY too long.
DO NOT INVITE HER. The problem is with you. Why didn't you tell your husband that she was out shopping all day the first day that it happened? You should have asked her to leave right then and there.

If she is coming, your DH needs to entertain her. And make sure it's for a short visit or she stays in a hotel.

WHY DO PEOPLE CREATE PROBLEMS for themselves?

[Anonymous]

I didn't invite here and haven't for years. A few years ago she purchased a vacation house a mile from my house. Out of my control, when she visits.
Also, I apologize for the long post, guess I really needed to just vent and this is the first time I posted/ blogged about anything. Therefor a newbie to post etiquette.
And DH fought me back on fourth for years in this whole regard, being in the crossfire etc but feel he has most recently begun to truly understand my pain.

[Anonymous]

Tell you husband plenty of spouses have divorced over problems with their ILs, and that you will too if he doesn't back you up.

Then hatch a plan.
1. Limit contact.
2. No more overnight visits in your home.
3. No more freebies and the high life when she is with you.
4. If she visits, do not lift a finger for her. It's up to her to find entertainment. If you cook your own meal or those of your children, make extra for her, but don't cook something just for her. If you're going out and she's not, she can manage meals on her own.
5. And above all, don't mind being the fall guy! Even if your spouse is behind you 100%, you will always be resented more. never mind. If she gets verbally abusive, tell her she is not welcome in your house.

You really have the upper hand if DH can't get on board. If she cuts off all contact because you have decided to set boundaries, even better.

[Anonymous]

sorry, "if DH CAN get on board".

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading but I don't think you are blameless. Brevity is a virtue.

[Anonymous]

Why are you continuing this destructive relationship? Therapy and DH has to establish some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

DH and you need marriage counseling. DH needs to understand what's going on - for real. He needs to stand up to his mother. I wouldn't give her any more nice gifts or let her stay in my house, ever again!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to go to Al-Anon for friends and families of alcoholics. Your MIL may be in recovery but she still acts like an alcoholic and Al-Anon will give you support and help you figure out how to deal with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she's a dry drunk who needs a meeting.

[Anonymous]

I really think that you are not expressing yourself well and that us probably a big part of the problem.

This is an issue between you and your husband, he should be dealing with his mother and putting the boundaries in place. I suspect when you try to communicate your distress to your husband you go on and on and on until he tunes you out, much like I felt when I read your post. Keep it short, a few sentences is all you need to tell him.

[Anonymous]

DH's mother = DH needs to be around to entertain her. Oh, he works all day M-F then MIL is only welcome to come for Saturday and Sunday.