Cold Feet

[Anonymous]

DS is preparing to go off to a school he was in love with, excited with acceptance, etc . . . Now he is wondering if he made the right decision and if its OK to transfer after one year. (We told him yes but we want him to immerse himself in the school and not even thnk about this first semester).

Is this normal? I've never heard of someone having cold feet about their school before even setting foot there. Perhaps anxiety about going to college?

[Anonymous]

Just another normal area of getting cold feet before firmly setting foot. It joins a myriad of other cold feet decisions....marriage, buying a house, changing jobs, etc.

Welcome, DS, to the world of making adult decisions!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's just having normal anxiety about leaving home, meeting new people and the whole idea of being in a new environment. Once he's there I bet he will be just fine. Just let him vent, but don't make any promises. Also, really encourage him to get involved in activities once he gets to school. A sure-fire way to be homesick and miserable is by sitting in your dorm room wishing you were home.

[Anonymous]

Is he mature enough to be going to college?

If not, go for a "gap year" and let him mature.

If so, then it is probably just the usual pre-college nerves and he will be fine.

All the students I know who dropped out of college after the first semester, then took the second semester off, and then returned to college (elsewhere, at college #2) were kids who should have taken a gap year in the first place. They were not ready for college. Their second semester off was essentially the gap year. But it came at the price of a loss of confidence. It's far better to wait to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he mature enough to be going to college?

If not, go for a "gap year" and let him mature.

If so, then it is probably just the usual pre-college nerves and he will be fine.

All the students I know who dropped out of college after the first semester, then took the second semester off, and then returned to college (elsewhere, at college #2) were kids who should have taken a gap year in the first place. They were not ready for college. Their second semester off was essentially the gap year. But it came at the price of a loss of confidence. It's far better to wait to start.

He's totally ready, has been chomping at the bit for two years. He is mature and a self-starter and strong academically. He does have anxiety issues. I suspect he's playing out the idea of transferring as a kind of security blanket. I just hope he doesn't go in with the idea that he's going to leave.

[Anonymous]

It might be a little buyer's remorse or is it possible he heard someone at school say something bad about the school? Is it a decent university?

[Anonymous]

I think it's just anxiety and he's just looking for reassurance that he has options if he doesn't like it. He will probably be just fine once he adjusts. It's easy to absorb his jitters but don't even think about next year - you'll cross that bridge when you get there.

[Anonymous]

Buyer's Remorse.

[Anonymous]

Which school?

[Anonymous]

This was our middle son; like yours, OP, he was mature, independent and an excellent student who had been eager to go to college. He was accepted early at his first-choice school, where his brother was already a student. Everything was peachy until just before move-in, when he developed popsicle toes. We acknowledged his feelings ("this is normal, sweetie") and urged him to get involved in things at school and reach out to others in friendship ("don't wait for people to knock on your door"). At move-in DH and I also had a word with his resident heads (or whatever the heck they call the married grad student couple who live in the dorm). Both DH and I also went to parents weekend and took DS and a bunch of his pals out to dinner. DH also went up for one of DS's sports events. And throughout first semester we called and sent care packages (real ones and virtual ones with photos and funny cartoons and YouTube videos) more often than we had with our older DS, who is more the sensitive type and thus had been more open about anticipating homesickness*, which, consequently, made it easier for him to handle. In the end, our middle kid was fine, of course, -- actually, more than fine, he is a rising junior now and loves the school -- but I wonder in hindsight (20-20, of course) whether it might have been easier for him if we had raised the issue of homesickness with him, rather than waiting as we did for him to bring it up. I think he might have felt that he wasn't supposed to feel this since his older brother would be on campus and since he's not a touchy-feely kind of guy (or wasn't at that time, he's more so now, actually).

*By homesickness I mean not just missing home, parents and sibs, but also missing your HS friends and favorite teachers and coaches.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- DS spent some time thinking about why he chose the school in the first place and he's feeling better about it. I think this was anxiety talking and he wanted some reassurance that if its not a good fit he could transfer. Knowing he won't be trapped alleviated the anxiety. I was just wondering if this was a normal thing to go through.

[Anonymous]

DD went through the same time last year. She experienced major anxiety, despite the school having been her top choice. She's now finished her first year and CAN'T WAIT to go back in August. In fact, she's heading up a camping trip for freshmen before school starts to let them know how great this school is!!