What to do with depressed MIL who is visiting us and new baby
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Anonymous
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My MIL has suffered from depression since DH was a child. Every time I encountered her, she was out of 'the funk', and functional. She lives in a different state. We had a baby a few weeks ago. We had planned that she would come visit/help for a little while when the baby got here. DH purchased her plane tix and we planned dates. Turns out she is going through major depression. Aside from the moment we introduced her to her grandbaby, she has not touched, held, spoken to the baby since we got here. She hardly speaks to us. She has pretty much spent the last four days in our guest room and in bed. Has not left the house, hardly eats, does not talk- major depressive episode.
I don't want to be upset at her obviously because she is ill, but I feel like it is one more person to take care of, when we were anticipating we would have some family help with the baby. In addition, DH and family members don't 'talk about these things' and just let her be. Part of me wants to reach out to her and see if she can get some additional help (she is on medication). Part of me feels like she should never have come and I want her to go home because it really is an additional burden to juggle with my newborn. What are your thoughts? Should I say/do something? |
Anonymous
| How long is she supposed to stay? Is you DH at home still, or did he go back to work? |
Anonymous
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It doesn't sound like she is causing any disturbance right? She's just sort of there, not helping but not really bothering anyone?
Assuming she isn't staying for weeks, I'd ride it out. Asking her to leave could cause more drama. Though if dh wants to approach it in a caring way "mom, we love having you here, if you aren't up for this and want to go home, that's ok. We can fly you out another time when you want." Once you are on your feet, if you feel like it, you can bring up with dh whether you all should approach her about getting treatment. |
Anonymous
| Talk to your DH about stepping in and trying to resolve the situation, somehow. I guess FIL is out of the picture? If so, is there an aunt or uncle or close friend of MIL's who can assist in person or from afar? She should not have come to visit in this position as yes, she is an additional person to care for and right now your newborn is #1. She should have stayed close to her doctors/hospital. Sounds like she's nearly catatonic and needs help asap. |
Anonymous
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Where is your DH? I take it at work? It's his mom, he needs to step in, whether that's offering to fly her home early or accompanying her to the ER if it's that bad. She is an additional burden, you're right, but she also seems badly ill.
Go about your day the best you can, or call DH and have him high-tail it home and address things. He also might benefit from making a call to her regular doctor and reporting her condition and making an appointment for when she gets back (if she would go). Is there anyone local to her who would make sure she got to an appointment? |
Anonymous
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Ugh, this was my entire childhood with my mother.
If she's catatonic, as in completely noncommunicative and not caring for herself at all, I would call an ambulance and get her treatment asap. If she is willing/able to feed, toilet, and do essential bodily functions, but just sleeps most of the day, I'd try to gently talk to her and see if she needs anything and if she would be more comfortable or happier home in her own house. If she says no, if it's for less than a week, I'd let her stay and just ride out the sleeping. If she's planning to stay longer, I'd insist on her going to the ER for treatment. |
Anonymous
| Also, it sounds like DH purchased her tickets and wanted her there to some degree, so really, he needs to do something about this. He can't just say, yay, mom's here! Leave her with you in her state and expect you to be bringing her food all day and making sure she's keeping herself going. This is a lot for him to dump on you. Did he expect the baby to be a cure for her? |
Anonymous
+1 Your DH needs to take care of his mother so that you don't have extra work to do. She sounds like she needs help. If she was depressed before she got there, she could have canceled the trip. If seeing the baby triggered the depression, then she should go see a dr ASAP. If they don't address these problems, they need to grow up, or remind them it's not going to be YOUR problem! |
Anonymous
Excellent, excellent advice. Nothing to add. Please think about doing exactly this OP! |
Anonymous
| you all sound completely heartless. unbelievable. |
Anonymous
| If this was the situation with my MIL, DH would send her home. She can do that at her own house. No need to add drama to the house with a newborn. |
Anonymous
No, I don't think the advice here is heartless. Depression is a scary and difficult disease to manage, but this new mother also needs protection. I agree with the PPs that DH really needs to step up to the plate here. Best of luck to you, OP. |
Anonymous
| Dh needs to hire you a mother's helper and/or take time off to help. Sticking you at home with a newborn and catatonically depressed person is not right. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, I would just leave her be. If she gets thirsty or hungry then she can come to the kitchen to get a glass of water and make a sandwich/reheat food. Be pleasant and engage her in convo when she comes out. Your husband can dote on her in the evening if he wants to. This is something that has been happening for decades and I'm sure your husband and his family are doing what works. |
Anonymous
+1000 The fact that your husband and his relatives are in denial about his mother's serious bouts with depression is extremely worrying. Hopefully, your DH will face this situation head on now since you are seeing it full blown and up close and at a very vulnerable time in your own and your newborn's life. |