Need Advice About Dysfunctional Family

[Anonymous]

I'm expecting my first baby, and really want them to be born into a loving family. However, I am very worried about my relationship with my mother and younger sister. My sister lives 8 hours away and whenever she comes to visit she and my mother constantly get into heated arguments, and she calls me hysterical asking to pick her up. This got so bad that one day 2 years ago during an argument my mother slapped my sister while she was holding her newborn baby. My sister forgave her and now my mom acts like it never happened and they continue to always argue when they see each other. My mother has a history of severe verbal abuse against my sister and I growing up. My sister was also molested by a family member growing up and told my mom about it and she did nothing. My mom now denies my sister ever said anything, or that she was ever verbally abusive. My sister admitted to me that she hates my mother and carries around intense rage/anger. My sister is very emotionally unstable and calls me when she is feeling suicidal at times. I would like protect my child from this situation and don't know what to do. Please help. Is there anyway this family dynamic can be healed? Or do I just need to walk away?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to visit with your sister and mother separately. You also need to resolve that if either of them start shit with the other, you will gather your things and family and walk out.

You know what happens when you do that? Absolutely nothing. You are saved the stress of being around it, and ... that's it. Win/win.

[Anonymous]

You set boundaries of what you and your new nuclear family will and will not accept from your both family and stick to it.

What is your relationship with your mom now? Do you see her? Is she ok with you?

[Anonymous]

When my sister had issues I couldn't help her with I asked her how she would feel talking to a therapist about it. Eventually she agreed (I didn't hound her about it but every so often I would bring it up) and I helped her find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Please do what you can to get your sister into therapy. Sounds like she could use it. Has she ever seen anyone about the abuse (sexual and verbal) she experienced?

Your mom, not sure anything can be done about her. Your sister's life might be better off witout her.

[Anonymous]

Have you guys thought about family counseling? I think this would be a great idea not just because you are having a baby, but just for the family dynamic in general. Sounds to me like there are some very deep and underlying anger and hurt issues in this family and it would be a shame if they are never addressed and resolved.

[Anonymous]

You have your own family now. The mom sounds s&itty and you should limit your visits with her to short defined ones and avoid problem topics. Try to help your sister and see if she is open to some therapy. But you have your own thing going and your own family now. You have your own life to own.

(Can your sister press charges against her abuser? I hear of a lot of this nowadays, 20-30 years later people are getting justice. Nobody should be allowed to get away with that. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do what you can to get your sister into therapy. Sounds like she could use it. Has she ever seen anyone about the abuse (sexual and verbal) she experienced?

Your mom, not sure anything can be done about her. Your sister's life might be better off witout her.

+1

Why don't you stand up for your sister? Sounds like you know your mother was horrible -- do you really want HER around your children? At least your sister is the screwed up victim, not the abuser/neglecter.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your responses. To answer/respond to a few of your questions:

1) I found a therapist for my sister to go to, and she went once, but refuses to go back. She mentioned the therapist said she thinks she is bi-polar, and she is afraid of this and doesn't want to go back. My mother has taken her to a couple of therapists before but she has never kept up the visits and gone regularly. I invited her to come stay with me for the next week or so in the hopes that I can convince her to see a therapist regularly.

2) I agree my sister's life might be better off without her, however she and my mother have a strongly co-dependent relationship. My sister is financially and emotionally dependent on my mother, so no matter how tumultuous their relationship they always seem to make-up and repeat their same pattern. If my sister does in fact have some sort of disorder I think this contributes to the dynamic, as she has a very strong temper particularly when relating with my mother.

3) Yes, I have thought about family counseling. It was my intent to ask my mother and sister to go to a counselor with my husband and I when my sister comes to visit this weekend. I do not know how receptive my mother will be to this, she thinks everything is my sister's fault, and that therapists are for "crazy people". Should I still try and invite them? or just give up?

4) After speaking with a therapist on my own, I have limited contact with my mother. Our relationship is not very close, just sort of out of obligation largely. We went through a period of not speaking for two years, due to her mistreat me of me a few years ago. Now that I am pregnant she is always talking about all this time she plans to spend with my child, but honestly given all that goes on in my family I don't know if I am comfortable with leaving my kid alone with her. I do not want my child to get attached to my mother and then later on have to go no contact with her in the future. At the same time, other than the hitting incident with my sister she appears to treat my nephew very well, accept that she in my sister get into these heated arguments in front of him.

5) I have tried to stand up for my sister some, but my mother thinks their rocky relationship is entirely my sister's fault, and that my sister has some sort of illness. It may very well be the case that she does, but I feel my mother's behavior also contributes to the situation, but she is unwilling to acknowledge this, at least when she hears it from me.

In the end I just want to do what's best for my kid. My husband is frustrated with the situation and is ready to throw his hands up. I don't know if I should go no contact with them, low contact, or try one last time before baby is born to get them both in therapy?

[Anonymous]

My sister is also financially dependent on my mother -- as are a rag tag collection of other emotionally handicapped people in my life. It is a classic way to keep people in your back pocket, hobbled and unable to be independent of the person doling out the money.

I feel so sorry for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Visit separately. Never leave your child alone with your mother- you don't know who will visit your mother and what kinds of activities your mother might ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Visit separately. Never leave your child alone with your mother- you don't know who will visit your mother and what kinds of activities your mother might ignore.

OP here. Do you think I need to have a talk with my mother explaining that she cannot be alone with the child? I ask this because she keeps talking about all the fun she and the child are going to have together. Or do I just keep it to myself that I plan to do supervised visitation only? When you say visit separately, do you just mean from now on only interact with my mother and sister when they are not together with each other?

[Anonymous]

Your mother didnt protect your sister from abuse and now denies being told. No way would I leave my DC w someone like that. You can tell her the reason if she asks.

Your sister likes being the victim, otherwise she would get help and try to be financially indep. So she doesnt have to deal w your mother. Limit their contact with your DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Visit separately. Never leave your child alone with your mother- you don't know who will visit your mother and what kinds of activities your mother might ignore.

OP here. Do you think I need to have a talk with my mother explaining that she cannot be alone with the child? I ask this because she keeps talking about all the fun she and the child are going to have together. Or do I just keep it to myself that I plan to do supervised visitation only? When you say visit separately, do you just mean from now on only interact with my mother and sister when they are not together with each other?

Why don't you confront your mother, tell her you remember very clearly the verbal abuse that was doled out to you and the verbal + physical abuse that was doled out to your sister, and since she cannot even admit that those things happened, despite two adults who know the truth, then she cannot be left alone with your child. Maybe that way she has a chance to admit the truth and apologize. That would be so healing for your sister as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother didnt protect your sister from abuse and now denies being told. No way would I leave my DC w someone like that. You can tell her the reason if she asks.

Your sister likes being the victim, otherwise she would get help and try to be financially indep. So she doesnt have to deal w your mother. Limit their contact with your DC.

It's not that easy.