Need Advice About Dysfunctional Family

[Anonymous]

Protect your child from these nutcases. It's your duty as a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your feedback. If anyone else has thoughts I'd love to hear it, as I am planning to have a talk with my family members about the situation soon.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm a new poster, and I think you've gotten some really good advice. I also worked with child welfare for many many years and have thoughts both from my personal experience and my work experience.

I see 2 differerent issues here:

1) How you facilitate (as much as you can) more healing/addressing of issues between your sister, you and your mother; and

2) How you are going to structure (at least early on) your relationship between your mom and your baby.

First off, I think it's really important to keep those 2 things separate, because you only have so much control over the therapy/healing efforts with your sister and mom. If either or both of them refuse to participate, that idea goes out the window.

But you absolutely and positively (along with your DH) are 100% responsible for how you raise your child and who/what you expose him/her to. If you know your mom is verbally abusive, did nothing when your sister told her she was being molested and later denied it, and especially if your mom has such awful judgement that she would slap your sister while she was holding her newborn, then your mom is not someone you ever ever ever have to leave your child alone with, or at least not until your child is much older, verbal, and able to speak up if they need you (has their own phone, knows how to dial 911, etc).

Being a biological grandmother or grandfather does not mean a person has an absolute right to a) a lot of time or b) alone time with a grandchild. As you've said, it's all about what's best for the child, because that is your child and your responsibility.

My advice on dealing with your mom and her comments about how much fun she will have with your child is to start peppering your answers with things like "Yes, I'm so excited that you're excited! Just so you know though, DH and I are realizing that we both will take a long time before we want the baby away from both of us, so we ask your patience in that in case you are thinking we'll leave the baby alone with you right off the bat. We're new parents and need to figure this stuff out, but we are excited our baby will have such an involved grandmother and look forward to spending time with you with the baby." See how she reacts, and if she's like "Cool, ok", then good, just never leave the child alone with her until the child is way older. But if she immediately questions that or says "Oh come on, get over that, you will be leaving the baby with me!" then the more obstinate she gets, the more fodder you have for limiting contact more and more.

I am usually all for addressing problematic behavior (like verbal abuse or fighting in front of a child) directly, in as non-confrontational a way as possible. But seriously OP, you have a baby on the way and a family of your own to nurture and take care of with your DH. You need to build a protective coccoon around your baby. You can still try to get your sis and mother to engage around the relationship stuff and the fighting, and still try to get them to famiy counseling, but if they won't or you get tired of dealing with them, you have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD (and an obligation to your baby as well) to say: "Ok, I'm realizing I'm getting really stressed, and I need to save and focus my energy on the baby, so I may be in less touch for awhile. Please don't take it personally, it's really just me trying to focus on the parenting more because I feel like there's more I need to do." and that's it. Anyoen who tries to argue with you about it, you need to create even more space between you and them.

And in case anyone tries to guilt trip you into a) baby alone visits or b) more contact than you want, please keep this in mind, and I say this from a clinical perspective: even though it's hard and often really uncomfortable or painful to set clear, needed boundaries with close family, it is in EVERYONE'S best interest that you, from your perspective, model and set those boundaries for your family. People may be hurt, but if you have to limit your time with your sis or mom in the name of your baby, maybe your sister will realize that that is an option in a way she hadn't realized before. Maybe you can also offer her help with developing and working towards a long term strategy for financial independence (or referring her to someone who can help with that). If she shows no interest in that, your hands are pretty much tied because she and your mom are not letting that co-dependent relationshiop go. But still, you never know how much what you model has an impact, even if it's not visible for years.

Good luck OP, and be as kind and well-intentioned as possible, while at the same time being uncompromising when it comes to the safety and well-being of your own child and family. And whatever you do, please don't leave your child alone with your mom until they're much older. If all you say is true, your mom has exhibited too much bad judgement and denial and anger-control problems to be an appropriat caretaker for your child for anything longer than a few minutes. Start careful... you can always ease up a little on the rules if you really feel your mom is keeping herself in check. But no real alone time until your kid can talk and call for help if needed. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate it, and plan to take your advice.

[Anonymous]

Great OP, glad it was helpful! Wishing you the best of luck again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm expecting my first baby, and really want them to be born into a loving family. However, I am very worried about my relationship with my mother and younger sister. My sister lives 8 hours away and whenever she comes to visit she and my mother constantly get into heated arguments, and she calls me hysterical asking to pick her up. This got so bad that one day 2 years ago during an argument my mother slapped my sister while she was holding her newborn baby. My sister forgave her and now my mom acts like it never happened and they continue to always argue when they see each other. My mother has a history of severe verbal abuse against my sister and I growing up. My sister was also molested by a family member growing up and told my mom about it and she did nothing. My mom now denies my sister ever said anything, or that she was ever verbally abusive. My sister admitted to me that she hates my mother and carries around intense rage/anger. My sister is very emotionally unstable and calls me when she is feeling suicidal at times. I would like protect my child from this situation and don't know what to do. Please help. Is there anyway this family dynamic can be healed? Or do I just need to walk away?

Why, oh, why does your sister visit her mom when they always get into fights?

This sounds like a troll post to me.