An Almost Affair?

[Anonymous]

Recently, during an argument, my spouse twice brought up her faithfulness to me. It was clearly in the context of, "I could have had an affair but didn't. I've always been faithful. This has been troubling me ever since. I believe her and am proud that our family means more to her than the excitement she clearly considered. It's this latter thing that troubles me. I think she considered it. Now I have this nagging sense that the close call coincided with a week this spring when she wouldn't talk much. Turned away from routine kisses, and drew away from hugs. I've realized that that week also coincided the unexpected scheduling of coffee with an old work colleague. The meeting ended up being canceled because his schedule changed.

Am I smarter to leave this alone? Afterall I believe she decided against it. On thr other hand, her behavior toward me definitely went haywire around this time. Am I smarter to leave this alone and new grateful she stuck with me? Or do I need to confront this further?

[Anonymous]

Man, that sucks.

I read this and think she's being awfully passive-aggressive with that "I could have had an affair but I didn't" line. It has the effect of hurting you as though she actually DID cheat, but you can't say anything because she DIDN'T cheat. It also has the impact of a tacit threat that she *could* go run off and have a fling if you don't stop arguing with her. It's a crappy argument tactic and not at all fair to you.

And it's working, because she got that inside your head and here you are wondering "with who" and analyzing her past behavior. It's thrown you off balance.

So my advice - leave it alone, people say things during arguments they tend to later regret saying. I would quibble a little with how you wondered if you should just be "grateful" she didn't have an affair - gratitude is probably not the emotion I would be feeling. But yeah, just ignore it.

Has her behavior since changed from the week you described?

[Anonymous]

It has. She has been more normal. This is why I believe her. It he's made me feel like I am in some sort of a contest, and it haade me very anxious. She can deliver a body blow in an argument. Though she has never dropped this one on me in over a decade of marriage.

[Anonymous]

You got two options...

You can hyper-focus on this one thing your wife said that didn't even happen, she just said it could have happened, and let it get you all stressed out and bent out of shape and basically invite all kinds of drama and chaos into your life

OR

You can not be a dumb ass.

[Anonymous]

In the moment I instantly told her how much I've always trusted her. I also told her she is beautiful so I had no doubt guys have made plays for her. What is nagging me is why now?

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut OP. It is rarely if ever wrong.

You felt like something was "off" during that time w/your spouse because something was.

Just the fact that your wife is saying she could have had an affair but chose not to is a sign of clear manipulation on her part and this is not what people do in healthy marriages.

You both need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about your relationship.

Instead of "I could have done this" or "I could have done that" you both should be discussing "We should be doing this..."

Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

I've said stuff like this to my DH in fights. Totally didn't do anything but I wanted to piss him off and get a reaction bc I know I'll get one. Trust your gut and your wife. If you think she would then she wouldn't. It's different to 'flirt' or get attention then to actually make a move.

There could brother reasons she blew you off. Like pms, not in the mood, harbouring anger from another fight. Anything. Or maybe someone was flirting with her, but she didn't reciprocate.

I would focus on her and make sure you two are on the same page. But it doesn't hurt to ask when things are calm why she said that a pad how much it hurt you.

My DH is very attractive and successful and travels a lot for work. He gets hit on all the time, ie, airplanes, work sites, etc. and he tell me. He also tells me he tells these women, I don't think my wife would appreciate that (ie if a girl says call me for drinks, etc). I also know he's committed to me and our kids, even in our bad days, even with temptation. That's why I say trust your gut. People can flirt etc and it can be harmless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut OP. It is rarely if ever wrong.

You felt like something was "off" during that time w/your spouse because something was.

Just the fact that your wife is saying she could have had an affair but chose not to is a sign of clear manipulation on her part and this is not what people do in healthy marriages.

You both need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about your relationship.

Instead of "I could have done this" or "I could have done that" you both should be discussing "We should be doing this..."

Good luck to you both.

I agree. Something's so wrong with your marriage that your wife actually considered having an affair and then told you about it. You brush this under the tug at your own risk. You and your wife need to talk.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't brush it under the rug - it was a hurtful thing to say. Time for a heart to heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, that sucks.

I read this and think she's being awfully passive-aggressive with that "I could have had an affair but I didn't" line. It has the effect of hurting you as though she actually DID cheat, but you can't say anything because she DIDN'T cheat. It also has the impact of a tacit threat that she *could* go run off and have a fling if you don't stop arguing with her. It's a crappy argument tactic and not at all fair to you.

And it's working, because she got that inside your head and here you are wondering "with who" and analyzing her past behavior. It's thrown you off balance.

So my advice - leave it alone, people say things during arguments they tend to later regret saying. I would quibble a little with how you wondered if you should just be "grateful" she didn't have an affair - gratitude is probably not the emotion I would be feeling. But yeah, just ignore it.

Has her behavior since changed from the week you described?

Boy, I totally agree with this post. To me, the issue isn't that she could've had an affair - all of us can at any time - but rather why is she using this type of manipulation on you. It's beyond inappropriate and immature, and without knowing your whole story, foreshadows future problems in conflict resolution. I agree with PP to leave her threat per se alone, but I do feel like you need to understand why she feels so impotent in the relationship that she has to draw on this kind of tactic to feel empowered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't brush it under the rug - it was a hurtful thing to say. Time for a heart to heart.

+1 she either has to apologize for being out of line and saying something deliberately hurtful or for engaging in what seems to be the beginning of an emotional affair. but she needs to come clean about that and the two of you need to figure otu what happened in the marriage that would even take her down that road.

[Anonymous]

Start not taking your wife for granted. She's telling you what will happen if things keep going downhill. You have a chance to turn this boat around

[Anonymous]

OP, the question is what is the context in which she is saying this to you? What is she upset with you about? This kind of comment doesn't come out of left field. Something is seriously wrong, and this is a warning.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start not taking your wife for granted. She's telling you what will happen if things keep going downhill. You have a chance to turn this boat around

I'd let her walk then if she threatens to cheat. That is not the kind of person I'd want in my life.

Threaten to leave....fine...I get it. Threaten to cheat......she has some mental issues.