Hurtful comments from mother re: having another child

[Anonymous]

I have been spending a lot of time with my mother and she is generally critical of me. I usually ignore it but this morning she said that she did not think I should have another child. She said I don't have the energy and she cannot imagine how I could handle it. I am very hurt by this. It took me about four years to get pregnant with my now 10 month old. I am a SAHM and I spend a lot of time doing unnecessary things like making all if his food and keeping him out of devices like his exersaucer and car seat. I do it because I can. Yes I am older than I would like and if I have another I probably should in the next year or so (I don't expect issues, my issues have been corrected with surgery). Am I being too sensitive? She also said to me that my sister in law should not have another because she is not "mother material". Sigh.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty do you find yourself complaining to your mom about managing your child? Do you mention being tired a lot or describe your day in a way that makes you sound worn out all the time?

If so these things contribute to why your mom is saying this. Whether she SHOULD say these things to you is a different story.

[Anonymous]

People should have children because they want to. Its a choice between you and your partner (if applicable.) Your mothers opinion should have NO influence on your decision. The only time I think its fair for a grandparent to weigh in is if they are expected to provide childcare for the said children. You are a SAHM so that doesn't apply to you. Simply ignore her comments. "Mom your opinion isn't needed in this area. We will decide our family size. Thanks"

[Anonymous]

This falls under the subject of none of her fucking business. It continually astounds me the things about which people feel entitled to voice their opions. She's older and losing her social graces. Ignore her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you are "older." Act your age. At this point in life, you don't need your mother's or anyone's approval to have another child. I'm guessing she has been critical all your life and has conditioned you to accept it. Break the cycle. And seriously think about what messages of self-doubt you might possibly pass along to your child. Be the strong, confident, caring mother that you wish you could have had.

[Anonymous]

Do we have the same mom? Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. She probably means well. You know what's right for you.

[Anonymous]

Can you spend less time with your mom? She sounds like a major downer, and if she's going around telling you & your SIL that you all shouldn't have more children, then that's probably about her issues, not yours. I mean seriously, what grandma says don't give me any more grandchildren?

I know it's a hard call with family - you don't want them to be lonely in their old age, but if they're just going to tear you down after every visit, then I don't see what solution there is other than to visit less. You can call and email more instead, still see each other for holidays, but being lonely doesn't give some one a free ride to be jerk to you.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom once: "Mom, that kind of comment makes me regret confiding in you about the ups and downs of parenting. I thought we were close enough that I could share things with you without judgment. Am I wrong?"

But you mention that she's generally critical: I think the real answer is probably to spend less time with your critical mom and more time with people who actually support you.

[Anonymous]

Your mom may be otherwise awesome but she's a bitch on this topic. It doesn't matter what she can or can't imagine you doing. It's totally your decision. Don't let her undermine you. Let what she says roll off you like water off a duck.

[Anonymous]

How many children did your mother have? If she had more than one, than that must mean she thinks very highly of herself and believes is the only qualified person on earth to have more than one child. Apparently no one else around her is worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many children did your mother have? If she had more than one, than that must mean she thinks very highly of herself and believes is the only qualified person on earth to have more than one child. Apparently no one else around her is worthy.

Relatedly, if she had only one she may be like my mother, who was convinced I should have no more and said so not just in front of me but in front of others at my nephew's baptism. She actually said, when someone asked if I were having more, "we're done." Yes, that is true. My mom is one of four and grew up in a very financially strapped house, so I assume that is where it comes from. Also, she cannot stand the disorganization and chaos that inevitably comes with more children. She has been critical of me most of my life, though after my father died I began to lose all patience and also see it as more sad than anything else. She is also relentlessly critical of others. I had my second baby two years ago.

OP--I know this is hard and her opinion means something, but look inward and make this a decision between you and your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you are "older." Act your age. At this point in life, you don't need your mother's or anyone's approval to have another child. I'm guessing she has been critical all your life and has conditioned you to accept it. Break the cycle. And seriously think about what messages of self-doubt you might possibly pass along to your child. Be the strong, confident, caring mother that you wish you could have had.

This. Sometimes when I find myself getting angry at my mother, I step away and remember I'm 40 years old. Would I get into a random argument with a 65 year old woman? No. Just smile and thank her for her advice and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all honesty do you find yourself complaining to your mom about managing your child? Do you mention being tired a lot or describe your day in a way that makes you sound worn out all the time?

If so these things contribute to why your mom is saying this. Whether she SHOULD say these things to you is a different story.

I agree that your mom is crossing a line by telling you shouldn't have another kid, but you might be fueling the fire if you're complaining about how tired you are and how much work your baby is. If you are always going on about all the "unnecessary" work you do, etc., your mom might think she is totally justified in thinking that you don't have the energy for a second.

Also, stop talking about having more kids with her. If you're asking her opinion, either explicitly or implictly by talking a lot about whether or not you will have a second, then it's a little unfair to get upset because you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Limit contact and share less.

My mother has no filter, is very critical in general, very backstabbing and gossipy, and about our weight / not having any more kids / not earning enough money in particular. She will call to remind me about her opinions on these subjects!!!

She has been incredibly offensive and insulting to the point where I really wanted to cut her off entirely. DH persuaded me not to, and he was right. Thank goodness, she lives on a different continent and we don't see her in person very often. We have an acceptable phone rapport - I know I can find some excuse to get off the phone if she becomes too aggressive.