What do you do when you feel like you have nothing left to give?

[Anonymous]

Lately I've had one setback after another-- overworked to the point of exhaustion, threw out my back so badly that even bending is difficult (yes, I'm being treated, but it takes time), various broken things in my house, family of origin hounding me constantly, and many other stressors. The physical depletion is the worst. Being tired and in pain, it's hard to please everyone, or even get motivated to do so.

My 4.5-year-old daughter is, of course, unchanged in her needs and habits. She wants, wants, wants. And I'm actually feeling like lately she's gotten way out of touch with other people's feelings, sharing, waiting her turn for someone's attention (me, the teacher). It's an unfortunate convergence of a somewhat unattractive phase in her life and a challenging one in mind.

She keeps wanting, and I just can't give. It's painful to stand up and get to the kitchen to make the simplest meal for her. It's impossible to help her pick up her toys. And I'm too tired for the ceaseless stream of questions and comments that come out of my curious, loquatious child. I just need and want a moment's rest. And I'm wondering if it's unreasonable to expect her, when I say "it hurts mommy's back when you jump on me like that," or "i need a moment of rest before we can play," for her to respect it a little. Just enough to give me that moment.

And if not, what am I supposed to do? I can't magically get un-exhausted without the day off that I'm not going to get, and I can't magically cure my back any sooner than nature and chiropractor can do. So what do you do when you literally can't give anymore?

[Anonymous]

It's not unreasonable. You may have to teach her to respect it, thoguh.

A few random ideas:

Put snacks she can get herself where she can reach them (in a low cabinet, etc.). Then when she says she's hungry and you are not ready to deal with dinner, she can get some things for herself. Order out, if possible. Ask close friends for help - a dish you can simply warm up for a few nights would be a huge help, and they may be willing to spell you.

Teach her to play by herself, or tell her she needs to until the timer goes off. If you are ok with her watching TV, have her crawl into bed or onto the couch to watch a 30 minute program on PBS or an educational video while you close your eyes.

It's ok to declare some times quiet times. Just let her know you will answer all her questions when the time is over.

Get help - from a partner, family member, friend or church member. You can take your one day off on a weekend while someone else watches your daughter. if you have the means, you can hire someone to do this for you.

Good luck to you. It is terrible to feel completely depleted, yet somehow we always find a way to go on. Sometimes I am not sure that finding that way is always in our best interests! Mothers tend to push themselves beyond all reasonable measure.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I can empathize a little with the exhaustion/pain. I believe I am sliding toward a diagnosis of lupus or something similar, so I get the chronic tiredness thing.

I don't know what you are supposed to do, I find myself snapping a lot. Someone on here will undoubtedly recommend that you hire someone or "ask family to help out" or "another mom in the neighborhood." If was just that easy, though, you would've done so already, right? And unless that person is live-in, it really doesn't address the specific scenarios you are describing.

We watch a lot of educational TV at our house, or read together. I spend a lot of time laying down and have told my 5 yr old that that's just the way it is, but I'm happy to rest <near> him. He doesn't love this, and he absolutely feels ... cheated. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

get a sitter.

rest.

take care of yourself.

nobody can give what they don't have.
there's no way that you can teach your child to be patient and understanding when you're not.

give yourself some time OFF.
hire a helper for a few hours a day and go take care of your issues.

children feel it all and they're learning how to react.
some children cry for attention, some act nicely.
we can't chose how our child will behave but we can teach them how they're supposed to act.

hire a sitter with background in child behavior and let her do this job while you charge up your batteries.

this phase will be over sooner than you can imagine.
it's ok to ask for help.
that's why we're here.

[Anonymous]

As hard as it is going to be, you need to teach her how to wait and, in some cases, stop giving in to her requests.
She is old enough to begin learning that she can't always have what she wants, when she wants it. She is also old enough to begin learning empathy for anotehr person.

She will balk at first, but will slowly learn to understand.

If you can anticipate her needs ahead of time, that can help ease the burden. prepare large batches of food/snacks ahead of time, have some activities available that can keep her occupied on her own.

And...I hate say it...but an educational tv program can work wonders on keeping a child occupied for awhile.

As for your other stressors - the only advice I can give (and you probably already know this) is to say no to your family or avoid them!
Try going to bed early (ignore the chores - let chaos reign!). Since you probably can't exercise, try stretching daily-it really does help! Eat well and drink lots of water.

[Anonymous]

Why is all of this your sole responsibility?

Hello, Daddy???

[Anonymous]

I do feel for you. I think other posters who have suggested ways to get time for yourself that can help a lot.

Also, you might want to consider though, whether you are depressed. Many people go through rough times with the kids, but something about your note made it sound like some depression might be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this your sole responsibility?

Hello, Daddy???

OP here. Husband and I are egalitarian, very well balanced in what we contribute. He's her stepdad and after being a single mother for years, I am just learning to let someone help. He was also gravely ill for several months and that shifted our responsibilities. Now that he's well, it's still tough on me even to have equal responsibility because I'm so tired and in pain. Let's say he gets the whole morning routine done and gets to work later while I hustle in, then has to stay later as a result and I get dinner. That's time that I'm hurting with my back but he's got other responsibilities too. Or if he does evening pick-up and dinner and I work late and get home and daughter really wants my time after a long day, and I'm exhausted because I've had a long day (in pain) too. Weekends can be more even, though I always feel guilty about taking time out.

I wouldn't say that she's an uncommonly demanding child, per se. I actually don't want to leave snacks for her. She can reach them now but is very disciplined about not getting them herself, which is important to me because there are weight problems in my family thanks to awful overfeeding habits. It's not so much the feeding as the overall exhaustion and mental overload. THis is a bright kid who wants to engage everyone in conversation about books, news, whatever interests her. She's great at playing independently sometimes, but when she needs me, she needs me.

The TV suggestion is a good one but like her mom, she doesn't really enjoy TV. She's also overindulged with so much tv and video games at her grandparents' house that I really would hate to get her in the habit here.

I guess that the bottom line is that it feels very difficult to say no to everyone. I'm used to pleasing everyone, working my butt off, but I just don't have it right now.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your pain, OP. Sounds like you need a couple of days lying on the sofa with some good meds and PBS on the tv so that you can get some rest.

Your expectations of your daughter are not unrealistic or inappropriate. My husband and I will tell our 5 yo son, "Question break" or "Only three more questions, and then question break," when we need a break on the days of nonstop yammering. If DS is being too insistent about demanding my attention (e.g., after being told numerous times that I am busy doing something and he will have to wait a few minutes), I will get stern (or snap at him) and make clear that I told him that I can't help him now and he will HAVE TO WAIT. So far, the snapping does not seem to have done any serious damage I don't think you need to feel guilty about this kind of approach--learning to wait is part of growing up. We also use tv when we need a break. Re cleaning, your daughter can throw toys in a bin and clear a path on the floor, if not do a perfect cleanup. Believe me, they do it in school without any problems! I do threaten to take away treats or privileges if my son doesn't do what I ask (e.g., getting dressed, cleaning up) after repeated requests. Honestly, I don't see this as punitive or bribery--I think this helps him focus on the task at hand, instead of being distracted by everything else there is to do.

Re back pain, I have consistently found that megadoses of ibuprofen (600-800 mg) 3-4 times a day for several days are extremely helpful at reducing inflammation. Obviously, you will have to consult with your doctor on whether you can take these doses, or whether this will address your particular problem. I am prone to neck spasms and taking a large dose when one is starting will do wonders at preventing days of pain.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this your sole responsibility?

Hello, Daddy???

Not everyone is so lucky to have a spouse or partner to help out. Let's face it. Women tend to bear the brunt of child raising and taking care of the house. There are plenty of single moms out there who do it all (and a lot of us feel the way the OP feels everyday). I was just thinking those same thoughts the other day "Everyone just takes, takes and takes some more until there is nearly nothing left." It's no wonder I feel drained nearly every single day.

[Anonymous]

I have had a hellish day. Neither child has listened to me, I was nearly in two accidents (neither my fault), and had a ton of things to do today. I even tried to check both kids in the Ikea playroom so I could have a cup of coffee alone, but the four year old refused to go in.

I got beyond my breaking point and sent the kids to their rooms for some down time. At four and five I really don't want them to be together, because they will fight, but alone they do well.

[Anonymous]

It's times like these when I'm not afraid to put on their favorite cartoon, give them a bowl of popcorn and let myself vege on the couch for an hour or two. After that, playdough, crayons and paper...they have at it for another hour while I keep vegging.

Or I bring them to the gym, put them in the child care, go sit in the sauna, take a yoga class, or take a relaxing swim, or better yet get a massage at the gym!

Another idea: Set up a playdate for DC to play at someone else's house. Go home and take a nap or long, hot bath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:get a sitter.

rest.

take care of yourself.

nobody can give what they don't have.
there's no way that you can teach your child to be patient and understanding when you're not.

give yourself some time OFF.
hire a helper for a few hours a day and go take care of your issues.

children feel it all and they're learning how to react.
some children cry for attention, some act nicely.
we can't chose how our child will behave but we can teach them how they're supposed to act.

hire a sitter with background in child behavior and let her do this job while you charge up your batteries.

this phase will be over sooner than you can imagine.
it's ok to ask for help.
that's why we're here.

there is quite alot we can do to make them behavior. Parents have so much to do with their behavior.

[Anonymous]

some times parents have NO CLUE.
sometimes all that they need is a "different face" to give some tips, change the routine.

there are several child behavior consultants out there with tons of tips to change the family's life for better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:get a sitter.

rest.

take care of yourself.

nobody can give what they don't have.
there's no way that you can teach your child to be patient and understanding when you're not.

give yourself some time OFF.
hire a helper for a few hours a day and go take care of your issues.

children feel it all and they're learning how to react.
some children cry for attention, some act nicely.
we can't chose how our child will behave but we can teach them how they're supposed to act.

hire a sitter with background in child behavior and let her do this job while you charge up your batteries.

this phase will be over sooner than you can imagine.
it's ok to ask for help.
that's why we're here.

there is quite alot we can do to make them behavior. Parents have so much to do with their behavior.

I meant to change their behavior.