Friend's wife doesn't like me

[Anonymous]

My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

[Anonymous]

Start grieving. It sucks but there it is.

However, I bet some money that he'll get sick of his wife telling him who he can have as friends and he'll be giving you a call eventually.

[Anonymous]

There was a similar thread recently.

I would just hang back and wait. Maybe if you aren't too "pushy" (not saying you are), she'll realize that everything you had was platonic.

Does your DH talk to this guy independently of you? Maybe if he and your DH can maintain their own friendship, she'll see that it isn't so threatening after all.

[Anonymous]

I'm not married any more. I'm sure my single-ness doesn't help, but her main issue is that she says in her culture people don't have friends outside of marriage. She thinks it's weird that he wants friends at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

I'm confused - are you saying he plans activities with your children and his wife and others, but not you? Or just him and your children and no other adults? The first is pretty dick-ish, but the latter...alarm bells are ringing.

[Anonymous]

No need for alarm bells. I mean he makes time to see my children. eg, comes to my daughter's basketball games or goes to movies with them (and often me). It's not that I'm not invited or present, it's that I'm optional. The plans are to see the kids (they call him uncle and they are very close). He is childless. His wife doesn't like my kids either so she has never accompanied him for any of these excursions.

[Anonymous]

If his wife doesn't like it you should stay of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No need for alarm bells. I mean he makes time to see my children. eg, comes to my daughter's basketball games or goes to movies with them (and often me). It's not that I'm not invited or present, it's that I'm optional. The plans are to see the kids (they call him uncle and they are very close). He is childless. His wife doesn't like my kids either so she has never accompanied him for any of these excursions.

Well she probably doesn't appreciate him pseudo-adopting another family. It's probably not about you in terms of your personality, but more about where you & your kids rank on his priority list that bothers her. Maybe some of that time is supposed to be hers.

[Anonymous]

He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

[Anonymous]

you and your kids, family) pose a threat to her. you've done nothing wrong but this is her issue. why is this an issue, who knows?

your friend is married to her and probably is committed to make his marriage work - at least until he grows tired of her insecurity and behavior. he's caught in a difficult spot and your trying to confront the issue brings his stress to the forefront - thus his reaction/outburst towards you.

as other PPs have said, you need to let it go, and just go on with your life. it sucks but your friendship with your friend will not be the same for the immediate future.

[Anonymous]

How often are you wanting to spend time together? Do you call often or even late at night?

I think when people marry friends naturally get pushed to the back. He is doing what a married man should do and that is focusing on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Huh. Really? You think when people get married they should abandon their former friendships?
I can see why this would be upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh. Really? You think when people get married they should abandon their former friendships?
I can see why this would be upsetting.

A newly wed might wonder why her husband is spending time with a single woman. Others might argue, but my own DH has told me that he was only friends with women he was interested in having sex with (yes we were friends before we dated) and "all guys" are like that.

Besides, OP, maybe she doesn't like you because your personalities don't mix. Sometimes that happens. You are single with kids. Why are you even giving them a thought? Get on with your life.

You said she is from a different culture, so you should respect her wishes, after all, it's his WIFE.

Have you invited BOTH of them or just her over to get to know each other? What was it like when they were dating? Maybe she thinks there is something going on with you and doesn't want you hanging around with him. I encourage my DH to go out with friends, but I would be leery if he was going out with a single woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

My own brother doesn't take my kids to the movies, and they love each other. I'm starting to wonder about your friend.

[Anonymous]

I think you should take the friend's wife to coffee and talk to her about it. Maybe in her culture men aren't friends with women. Maybe something else. Listen to her. Both what she says and the undercurrent of what she doesn't say.