Friend's wife doesn't like me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

This first sentence speaks volumes. She is his WIFE. You're saying that because he's known your kids longer, they rank higher than his WIFE?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

OP, don't be silly. Your kids are just that--your kids. It doesn't matter if he's known them longer than his wife. She's his wife.

People's lives change and evolve with their circumstances. He's married now. It also doesn't matter how other people might perceive things. How she perceives your friendship does. Whether it's because of a cultural difference or jealousy or whatever that she disapproves of it, you can't control or change this. The terms of friendship are being redefined.

Invite them as a couple to brunches, dinners, family events. You can still have your friend just not the way it was when he was single. It's better to enjoy the company of a friend than lose a friend b/c you can't dictate the terms of the relationship. That's petty.

[Anonymous]

It is not a cultural thing. Very few wives will tolerate their husbands being with single girlfriends. I've seen posts on the same vein before. The advice is still the same. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

You are single.

His wife may prefer no friends outside the marriage - which would be wrong - but she senses particular danger with you!
And even if your friendship now is all above board, you have to admit that since you have known each other a long time and he adores your kids, there is potential for much more than a mere platonic relationship. She prefers to nip it in the bud, and I can sympathize with that.

Just accept what time your friend can make for you. Do not put him in an awkward position, otherwise he might not even make time for your children, which would be sad.

And if you're ready, start looking for a date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take the friend's wife to coffee and talk to her about it. Maybe in her culture men aren't friends with women. Maybe something else. Listen to her. Both what she says and the undercurrent of what she doesn't say.

Good God, no. OP, don't bring up your friend's wife with him any more that's the quickest way to end the friendship. The second quickest would be following PP's advice above.

Accept that the nature of the friendship has changed. It's unfortunate that you miss your friend but you haven't lost him--yet. Fill the void and make new friends whose spouses actually like you.

[Anonymous]

sorry OP. there are so many similar stories -- often it's a sister who loses their original relationship with her brother (ie, you'd think there'd be NO jealousy or concern there...). but yes, your relationship has changed and you can't control it. sad but true. agree with other posters who have said to back off. secondly, make sure to invite/see them both, etc, and make a low-key effort to get to know her. don't act like you have a history, etc, with him when you are around him. the husband/wife relationship takes priority.

[Anonymous]

You don't think it's weird that you are optional?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, I know how this just hurts and totally sucks...I'm OP of a thread recently about how my guy friend has turned his back because of his girlfriend. And I'm married AND pregnant!

It's heartbreaking and I don't have much advice, other than to hope for a better future with the friendship. It's hard to see a friend get isolated and controlled-but unfortunately these guys are allowing it : ( It's hard to see it. I feel nearly as bad for my friend, as I do for myself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married any more. I'm sure my single-ness doesn't help, but her main issue is that she says in her culture people don't have friends outside of marriage. She thinks it's weird that he wants friends at all.

I agree with her and I am a very UN-possesive wife.

A single woman who insists that her very best friend is a married heterosexual man is a big red flag to me.

I would not think it was an issue if your best friend was a married gay guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

Wow!

And there lies your problem, and it is not his wife.

[Anonymous]

A similar thing happened to me. A very good male friend stopped calling me when he got married.

[Anonymous]

Op did y'all ever hook up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op did y'all ever hook up?

Nope. Honestly platonic. Best friends. For 30 years.
It's so strange to me that most people on this thread think that this is a throw-away just because he's married now.
I'm not saying his wife should not be his priority. Just that for most people I know, there is room in their lives for their spouse AND friends.

[Anonymous]

If this is a cultural thing, then I wouldn't take it too personally. Culture is very resistant to change and it will be next to impossible to get her to change her views.

I say accept that your friend has this new way of life about him and let things be. Be grateful that he is still such a wonderful friend to your children!

[Anonymous]

Pp 20:05 here - I made a similar point in my thread , in my case I am married and have room for friendships , which is healthy behavior . In your friend and mine's case , they are not in a healthy place apparently - which is sad both for them and for us, the hurting friend left aside.

Just know, OP, that it's not you, or me- it's them and their issue. It feels so personal I know! But, it's them.