Help me be a real trooper for my DH

[Anonymous]

I want to be a good, supportive, caring wife who honors the "in sickness and in health" part of our marriage vows, but I am having a really hard time psyching myself up for this.

Yesterday my husband had an outpatient surgical procedure done on his back and came home with a big packed wound. It's not stitched close or anything, and the dressing will have to be changed daily by someone at home.

So this afternoon I have to go back to the surgeon's office with him, so the nurse can show me how to do this. They told him to "bring someone with a strong stomach who will be able to handle this". I'm really the only one here at home who can do this, as our two kids are not old enough.

I am dying thinking of this. Just the thought makes me squeamish and nauseated, but I am desperate not to let my husband know any of this. I put on a brave face when he told me and tried to reassure him that it will be no problem. He's really embarrassed by it and I just want him to think that it's no big deal and it doesn't phase me a bit.

Suggestions for me to play a mind game with myself and get through this?

[Anonymous]

pretend you're an adult

[Anonymous]

Personally, me thinking about something is way worse than doing it. When you're in the moment, you will have no choice. Imagine if you were applying pressure to a life threatening wound (on him, your child, etc.) while you waited for an ambulance. You'd do it, and you wouldn't think twice about it. If that fails, make jokes about yourself, NOT him, to lighten the mood. Best of luck; it can't be worse than your imagination.

[Anonymous]

Make a mantra and repeat it over and over In your head.

"I can do this."

"I am strong"

"My husband needs me"

[Anonymous]

My mom is a nurse, and she thinks that it's total BS that insurance companies have essentially made family members the default medical providers rather than covering visiting nurses or nurses' aids to care for major post-surgical wounds. I wouldn't think any less of my wife if she couldn't stomach this and wanted to pay for a visiting nurse (you know, someone with more than 15 minutes of training on wound care).

[Anonymous]

Yes, if you can afford it, look into a home health aide and maybe your insurance would cover it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pretend you're an adult

This is how an adult behaves: know that you have to step up to the plate to do something, not sure how to accomplish that, so be humble enough and ask other adults for advice.

Or, you could behave like a child behaves and insult someone who's asking for advice.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I didn't know you could hire someone to do something like this. Even though I am dreading it, I am thinking it shouldn't take longer than a few minutes each day.

I guess I will wait and see how it goes this afternoon before making that determination. Thanks for the advice so far, I like the idea of making light of it (not of my DH) in a humorous way.

[Anonymous]

When I was in high school, I had my wisdom teeth out. I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and was puking for several days, which kept opening up my wounds. For some reason, my brother was the only one around, and he had to change out my pukey, bloody compresses several times a day. Hahahaha. If he could do that at 17, you can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, me thinking about something is way worse than doing it. When you're in the moment, you will have no choice. Imagine if you were applying pressure to a life threatening wound (on him, your child, etc.) while you waited for an ambulance. You'd do it, and you wouldn't think twice about it. If that fails, make jokes about yourself, NOT him, to lighten the mood. Best of luck; it can't be worse than your imagination.

This exactly. I'm extremely bad with medical stuff, but somehow find it easier with my family because I'm in my role as caretaker. I couldn't look at my own stitches, but could take out my kid's. I think you'll get through it if you focus on the caring aspect of things.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree that it's BS that a home health aide won't be covered by insurance for this. It's SO easy for those big wounds to get infected if you're not doing it right.

That said, I had to change my father's dressings every day when he had toes amputated, and I was horrified by the idea. It was really gory, but in the moment, my love for him far outweighed my disgust. I was amazed at myself for getting through it without gagging every day, but I did.

Just tell yourself that you will get through it. It's the man you love. You can do it. "Mind over matter" really works.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again to the last two PPs, that's very encouraging. I will check back in here later today when I know more about how it's going to go. I have more confidence now.

[Anonymous]

This is the "worse" in for better or worse. You can do it. If you could do it for your children, you can do it for your husband.

Love must overcome squeamishness.

My grandmother had bed sores when she had several debilitating strokes and my aunt was attempting to care for her at home. The smell was bad. I so regret to this day that I let the smell keep me from visiting my grandmother frequently.

[Anonymous]

You can do it. Having to schedule someone to come everyday to do something you can do in a couple minutes is a bit ridiculous. You can handle more than you think.


Packing a wound doesn't need a medical professional, just like giving yourself insulin or an inhaler doesn't require a medical professional. Just because you can hire someone doesn't mean you should. Go to the appointment and learn how to do it.

If this was a man saying he was too squeamish to help his wife, people would be all over him, calling him all kinds of names for hiring someone to do what he could do in a couple minutes but just didn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Put your big girl pants on & deal.

Take pride that you can do this. You can! You're strong. You've got this. No problem!