dating online - how to determine what type of relationship someone wants?

[Anonymous]

I have had two recent dates with someone I met online. The first date was quite nice - we met at a wine bar and talked for over 2 hours. He asked me out to dinner again and last night was our second date. We went for dinner and had a good time. He ended up kissing me at the end of the date which I have to admit, I did not see coming but it was really nice. I haven't dated in ages. . . getting back out there after a 12 year marriage ended. I feel so incredibly stupid but I don't know the rules of dating (if there are any). I know that I can't do a casual relationship and want to avoid players. Do I ask him flat out what type of relationship he is looking for? I now expect this guy to move a bit more quickly and am not certain how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

guy here in a similar situation with a woman I recently met. Sounds like you made a connection and hit it off so that's good. and sounds like there's mutual attraction, which is also good.

so the question is whether, in your first couple of dates, have you been able to talk about real things - not just the banter, chit-chat, but did you talk about your divorce, or his back story too? if so, then i see no problem bringing it up next time you see him. also, if you want to take things slow (intimacy wise), let him know that too.

if he's a stand up guy, you'll know by his words and his actions in response. if he's just a player or wants to only get you in the sack, you'll see that in his reaction as well.

and above all, do only what you feel comfortable doing trust your gut. a real man will respect that - and despite the unfortunate experiences of many women posting here, there are some of us great guys out there.

GL

[Anonymous]

1) put on your profile that you are only looking to date others who are also looking for a serious, long-term relationship

2) ask! I agree with pp that if you've had time to talk about one another's histories, date #3 is a fine time to ask what he's hoping to get out of dating.

3) know that, unfortunately, people lie. some lie to you, some to themselves, and it is not just men - DH went on 26 first dates before we met and he was explicit about only wanting a serious relationship. still ended up with girls who wanted a fwb or weren't over their ex etc etc. so when that happens, remember it isn't you, some people are just like that, and move on without too much emotional stress.

[Anonymous]

When I was online dating, I figured it took about 4-6 dates to really see if it was going to be a thing. Usually I ended it far before then. So I assumed the guy would, too, if not interested.

Don't sleep with him before you figure out if you are both comfortable with where this is going.

I only chose men who were looking for an LTR. Whether they were serious about that in general, and then about me in particular, became very obvious over that 4-6 date period.

I don't think players would put in all the hard work over a month or two to get you in the sack, especially when they could probably find someone more interested in casual dating pretty easily. Could be wrong today....but that was my experience 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe you don't ask just yet because some people would definitely think it was too soon. Go out with him a few more times, and you might be able to gauge his level of interest pretty easily. If he's pushing for sex right away, that may be his goal. If he's calling frequently, inviting you to do things well in advance, taking you to his usual places and introducing you, he may be more into it for the long-term. And yeah, don't sleep with him if you're not sure where it's going, because some people will sleep with people without any intention of a relationship, if it's offered.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

You have had two dates. Not time for this disucussion. You should be dating more than one person, as should he. Don't have sex with any of them. If you get to several weeks of dating with anyone, and you still have things to talk about and are interested, that is when you start committing to exclusivity. Learning who a person is takes years, and what they say often doesn't match what they do. Watch anyone you date for a while, keep your emotional and physical goods safe until you've observed enough to know it is safe and that you want to share.

It should be just about whether he wants a long term relationship. It should be about what you want, whether what you want with each other is the same thing, if you are a good match, etc. 2 dates too early to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe you don't ask just yet because some people would definitely think it was too soon. Go out with him a few more times, and you might be able to gauge his level of interest pretty easily. If he's pushing for sex right away, that may be his goal. If he's calling frequently, inviting you to do things well in advance, taking you to his usual places and introducing you, he may be more into it for the long-term. And yeah, don't sleep with him if you're not sure where it's going, because some people will sleep with people without any intention of a relationship, if it's offered.

Good luck, OP!

I agree not to ask. Just relax and enjoy getting to know him. Kissing is nice but when it crosses a boundary that you're not comfortable with, just gently let him know that you want to slow things down. If you don't want a FWB situation then I wouldn't sleep with him until you are exclusive - but no need to worry about that do early on (unless he pushes, and that's when you let him know what you're looking for).

[Anonymous]

So far, I have been able to discuss this pretty openly with the guys I have met online. Usually, I don't bring it up at all until I figure out if I am really interested in them. I don't think that there are any real "rules". Just go with your gut. When in doubt, err on the side of being upfront and honest. They guys that are players will be scared away, but the good guys tend to respond with an honest answer as to what they are looking for, too.

[Anonymous]

When I was out there, I appreciated honesty. A woman once told me on the fourth date, when things were starting to turn up a notch on her couch that it would not go any farther unless it was evident that we were going to start dating on a regular basis. This got us into talking about what we were looking for (conversation went on for three hours) and put us on a good path where we went out for a year and a half. OP, ask for what you want. The two of us were not big on dating but more along the lines of serial monogamists so getting to know each other better made sense.

[Anonymous]

I think 3rd date is too early. You've just met and spent less than the equivalent of a day together. I went out with people for a couple months not really having a clear picture of where it was going. I didn't know what I wanted at that point. Everyone is different, but I think when you move too quickly to define something, you might never get to the good part.

I'm a firm believer that it takes time -- like a lot of time -- to get to know someone. Also agree with a PP who says, unless you've committed to an exclusive relationship, assume he is dating others and you should be too. Or at least keep accepting dates if you are asked.

[Anonymous]

Here's a general question about chemistry/compatibility: How do people gauge (for them) if there is any sexual compatibility? Is there is something that is a deal breaker that you could never possibly know about until you were having sex? Is this something that you just hope for the best for or do you discuss these types of things at some point during the dating relationship?
I'm asking only because I was just reading some of the threads in the sexually explicit forum where people talk about how they fantasize about other lovers (because their husband or wife doesn't cut it for them), or they would "never date a [man/woman] who (fill in the blank, sexually).

[Anonymous]

Sure, I do not see any problem in asking someone upfront on a first or second date what their intentions are. The tricky thing here to remember however OP is you may not get a straight answer.

For example, a guy who only wants to have sex w/you may not be willing to admit it so easily and may claim he is looking for something "serious" and long-term, however once he sleeps w/you, you may never hear from him again.

But to answer your question, No, there is nothing wrong in asking the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was online dating, I figured it took about 4-6 dates to really see if it was going to be a thing. Usually I ended it far before then. So I assumed the guy would, too, if not interested.

Don't sleep with him before you figure out if you are both comfortable with where this is going.

I only chose men who were looking for an LTR. Whether they were serious about that in general, and then about me in particular, became very obvious over that 4-6 date period.

I don't think players would put in all the hard work over a month or two to get you in the sack, especially when they could probably find someone more interested in casual dating pretty easily. Could be wrong today....but that was my experience 10 years ago.

This. Guy here. I was looking for LTR, but found that a lot of women on match are interesting in getting laid. I went out with a few of them -- and while it was physically pleasurable, I felt like I was wasting my time.

For me, dating was about getting to know someone. Not sex. If I wanted sex, that would have been much cheaper through other means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a general question about chemistry/compatibility: How do people gauge (for them) if there is any sexual compatibility? Is there is something that is a deal breaker that you could never possibly know about until you were having sex? Is this something that you just hope for the best for or do you discuss these types of things at some point during the dating relationship?
I'm asking only because I was just reading some of the threads in the sexually explicit forum where people talk about how they fantasize about other lovers (because their husband or wife doesn't cut it for them), or they would "never date a [man/woman] who (fill in the blank, sexually).

Cheaters are going to cheat. If your focus is sexual compatibility, you will find a justification to cheat. Most couples can *LEARN* to be sexually compatible.

The nice thing is when, at 48, I was diagnosed with cancer, and the treatments killed all desire, my wife is still here. (two years later, desire is back ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 3rd date is too early. You've just met and spent less than the equivalent of a day together. I went out with people for a couple months not really having a clear picture of where it was going. I didn't know what I wanted at that point. Everyone is different, but I think when you move too quickly to define something, you might never get to the good part.

I'm a firm believer that it takes time -- like a lot of time -- to get to know someone. Also agree with a PP who says, unless you've committed to an exclusive relationship, assume he is dating others and you should be too. Or at least keep accepting dates if you are asked.

I agree with this. Plus, even if he clarifies that he is looking for something serious, that doesn't mean you should sleep with him early on.
You're still getting to know each other yet - that will take time to see if you are compatible for a long-term thing.
Try not to focus on what he wants or what he's thinking - focus on yourself.