Jealous feelings since dad died

[Anonymous]

I have been having trouble with feelings of jealousy toward my friend with a supportive father since my dad died. I am in my early twenties, and even though I never had a great relationship with my dad when he was still alive, I always thought things would eventually turn around and our relationship would improve. Well that ship sailed when he died suddenly about 6 months ago. The other night I was invited over to a friend's house for dinner and her dad asked us how school was going and he seemed to really listen to my friend and care about how she was doing. It just made me really sad to think that my chance at a good father daughter relationship is gone. My family has never had a lot of money and I've NEVER been jealous of or envied anyone's life in the past because I've always had the idea that I can work towards having more. I guess I am just realizing that no matter how well I do or how hard I work, the chance of having a relationship with my dad is gone. I have been avoiding my friend and I want to know how I can make these jealous feelings towards her life go away? I just want to be able to hang out with her and not feel sorry for myself.

[Anonymous]

I in no way mean this glibly, but: Therapy.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry.

I'm sure there are things about your life that are better than hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry.

I'm sure there are things about your life that are better than hers.

That was so not the point of her post.
I echo therapy. You're grieving the loss of a lot of things - what you had, your father, and what could have been, and hope that it will be. That's a lot to deal with.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in my 20s too when I decided to accept that my dad is the man he is, not the man I wanted him to be. I didn't go to therapy then (but now that I'm in my 40s, I've been in it). This was so freeing. He was around, and our relationship actually dramatically improved. I don't say this to tread on your loss, but should you have the feeling with someone else you love later. Try to think of the good stuff about your dad. You're young, be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss. Even if you didn't have an ideal relationship, losing a parent is hard. I know - I lost both of my before I turned 30. I too envy my friends who have both parents. I wish my folks could know my kids, and give me advice, and just be with me. But what I wanted to add here is about this line in your post:

I am just realizing that no matter how well I do or how hard I work, the chance of having a relationship with my dad is gone.

I guess for me, my relationship with my folks still exists on some level because I keep it alive. I talk about them as appropriate. I keep a few things of theirs around - like my dads favorite spatula, which I use to make pancakes for my kids almost every weekend. I think about them sometimes. Sometimes I even write them little notes in my head. They are still a part of me, and a part of my life. Sure it's not anything like having living parents, but I watch my daughter grow into someone whose character and interests so resembles my mother and I watch my children enjoy some of the family traditions that I enjoyed as a kid. And I feel like I've kept the connection with my parents and my past alive - and I'm grateful for that. Forgive me for rambling, but hopefully this makes sense somehow to you. And again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Yes, therapy.

Also, if she's a close enough friend, you could just be honest with her.

"I'm sorry if I've seemed distant, I just am struggling w/ issues around my relationship w/ my dad and I look at how close you are to your father and wish I'd had some of that. Please bear with me while I try to work that out."

A good friend will appreciate the honesty, and might even help you to talk it through a bit. Don't forget that the grass always looks greener so we all have our struggles.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the stuff you're left to sort out alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I in no way mean this glibly, but: Therapy.

I agree. A good therapist can help you work through your feelings. It helped me to think that my parents parented the only way they knew how based on how THEY were parented.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you're not done grieving - not only that your dad is dead but that you never got the dad you deserved. Once you get through that maybe you can have a good relationship with your friend again. Good luck!