Tough situation with my parents

[Anonymous]

My father has always been overbearing bordering on abusive. I moved away from my home to go to college and never looked back. Since then my parents have had good and bad years. But recently, my father's behavior has gotten more troubling. He's retired now and wont let my mom leave the house without him. He won't let her come visit us even if I offer to pay for the plane ticket. Because of his health he doesnt want to travel and feels that he needs my Mom there to take care of him.

This dynamic means I don't see my parents very often. Visiting them is very difficult on me because my father is prone to drinking and I don't want to expose my children to his behavior.

I find this all unacceptable but I don't know what to do. My Mom is a grown woman, she is educated and if she wanted to she could divorce my father. At the same time I know that she's feeling helpless and doesnt see a way out. I also don't think my dad is willing to change his ways. Is there anything I can do? I would really like to see my mother and I'm heartbroken that I don't see her more than once a year.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but maybe he really does need your mom there?

[Anonymous]

Well, don't stay with them, that's for sure. Stay in a hotel and see your Mom as often as you can manage.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is probably really afraid to be alone and he probably does feel like he needs your mom.

Your mom is an adult and can leave if she chooses. But, after all of these years, if she had tolerated her situation and even benefited in her own way, it's not likely that she's going to turn her back on him while his health is failing.

The only thing to do is accept it and support your mom. It's probably a very difficult time for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Seconding finding a hotel or friends near them to stay with and visiting as much as possible. Say whatever you need to to minimize any hostility towards you not actually staying with them, if there is any hostility re: that.

Do you talk to your mom honestly about your concerns? What does she have to say? What does she want from her life right now, and what does she see as her options?

What are your dad's actual health concerns? Would he, in fact, be fine if your mom travelled to see you for a long weekend or even a week? What does his daily care actually entail? What does your mom think is the worst that could happen if she just accepted your ticket and went to see you?

Understanding some of these questions makes it much easier to offer you advice... it's important to know how your mom sees this.

[Anonymous]

Well, on the Internet, it's seems easy to say you should have a blunt conversation with both of them saying they're adults and dad can take care of himself, and I'd he can't, he needs to move to a nursing home because non isn't his nurse. And mom should be an adult and go visit her daughter and grand kids without the man child is he doesn't want to go. In reality this would probably not happen, but mostly because I'm not that close to my parents (dad died when I was a teen and my mom was already remarried to someone else since I was a preschooler and I never liked the man, he was borderline abusive too, and my mom could never go anywhere w/o him after he retired which meant I had zero alone time with my mom until he died two years ago and by then there wasn't much relationship anyway.) so the rational side says you're in a jam, but Internet me says be blunt.

[Anonymous]

Could your mom live with you? If so, tell her that, and let her walk away from him. When you need help you can't treat the people who give it to you like shit, and your dad may need to learn that the hard way.

If you want to just go visit, go stay at a nearby hotel.

[Anonymous]

Unless he has terrible health problems, it's crazy to think your mom couldn't come visit you alone. And even then, there are options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, on the Internet, it's seems easy to say you should have a blunt conversation with both of them saying they're adults and dad can take care of himself, and I'd he can't, he needs to move to a nursing home because non isn't his nurse. And mom should be an adult and go visit her daughter and grand kids without the man child is he doesn't want to go. In reality this would probably not happen, but mostly because I'm not that close to my parents (dad died when I was a teen and my mom was already remarried to someone else since I was a preschooler and I never liked the man, he was borderline abusive too, and my mom could never go anywhere w/o him after he retired which meant I had zero alone time with my mom until he died two years ago and by then there wasn't much relationship anyway.) so the rational side says you're in a jam, but Internet me says be blunt.

Actually, if she took the vows as usually read at weddings, in sickness and in health, does mean you are responsible for your spouses health, safety, wellbeing, etc. Doesn't mean you can't hire it out, but you are supposed to be there. Maybe that's how her mom sees things.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I guess I just needed to vent. This is a very distressing situation for me and I think the hard part is that I think my Mom feels like she's powerless. She could easily have someone help my Dad out while she is away. My dad could even come up to visit us but he won't. The only way I can see them is by visiting them and because of the reasons I stated earlier, that's hard for me to do.

[Anonymous]

Don't see them. They make choices, you make yours.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened to my friend. Then her mom fell and broke her hip. Mom moved in with friend and her family, leaving dad in home state with part time help (combo housekeeper/elder care). Three years later mom has recovered but still living with friend because so much happier away from controlling/borderline abusive dad. Friend is overwhelmed with caring for increasingly aging mom and small kids though. Mom refuses to divorce dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father has always been overbearing bordering on abusive. I moved away from my home to go to college and never looked back. Since then my parents have had good and bad years. But recently, my father's behavior has gotten more troubling. He's retired now and wont let my mom leave the house without him. He won't let her come visit us even if I offer to pay for the plane ticket. Because of his health he doesnt want to travel and feels that he needs my Mom there to take care of him.

This dynamic means I don't see my parents very often. Visiting them is very difficult on me because my father is prone to drinking and I don't want to expose my children to his behavior.

I find this all unacceptable but I don't know what to do. My Mom is a grown woman, she is educated and if she wanted to she could divorce my father. At the same time I know that she's feeling helpless and doesnt see a way out. I also don't think my dad is willing to change his ways. Is there anything I can do? I would really like to see my mother and I'm heartbroken that I don't see her more than once a year.

Please read this sentence again. There's your answer, OP.

[Anonymous]

I know going there is hard on you but asking your mom to come to you will be hard on her!

Just go alone for a few days and stay in a hotel. That is the easiest on your mother who sounds like she is in a bad way.

[Anonymous]

Does your mother complain about being controlled in this way?

It's so hard to see loved ones being abused, yet staying put.

I don't have an answer, OP. Perhaps if you can chat on the phone with her regularly it will keep her spirits up. If she is not allowed to come to the phone anymore, call her local police!