Do I have the right to expect certain table manners from spouse?

[Anonymous]

Married a long time and spouse still constantly chews with mouth open, shoves enormous amounts of food in his mouth and talks with his mouth full. When we are out to dinner or at a friends house he uses good manners. Waits until he has finished chewing to answer a question, takes a reasonably size bite. At home though, he is really gross.

He knows it bothers me and does not really care. He makes silly oopsI forgot faces, and en continues to eat like a slob.

I obviously have been unsuccessful in persuading him to adopt the manners I prefer.
All thoughts welcome.

Maybe it is my pet peeve and I need to just remove myself from the situation.

[Anonymous]

I don't like when people chew with their mouth open, talk with their mouth full, but sometimes at home you just want to be yourself and relax.

Pick your battles, op. You're not your spouse's mom. I think this is something you need to learn to be at peace with.

[Anonymous]

OH my gosh. I could have written this same post. My DH shovels a huge bite into his mouth, and then talks to me while moving the food around in his mouth. It's like he is purposefully shoveling in a big one so he can get it in as fast as he can, and then he'll talk around it.

He also knows it drives me crazy. I don't know what he does out in public but I constantly say that if he eats this way while on business lunches, it would be appalling.

I do not know what the solution is. Even my 6yo DD is now correcting him, to no avail.

[Anonymous]

If he can turn his table manners off and on like that, then my only conclusion is that he's a jerk who likes to push your buttons. Ask him WHY he feels the need to purposely do what he KNOWS is your pet peeve. Until he can eat like a civilized human being in your presence, maybe he needs to eat alone. Set him up in the kitchen while you eat in the DR, or vice versa

[Anonymous]

It is hard to learn to be at peace with seeing a giant mouth masticating while talking to you.

Especially one which is attached to a person who knows and is well aware that this is viewed as a complete affront to me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to learn to be at peace with seeing a giant mouth masticating while talking to you.

Especially one which is attached to a person who knows and is well aware that this is viewed as a complete affront to me personally.

OP this is your problem do deal with. Your spouse has a right to eat in peace at home without his wife watching over his shoulder. If you take something so benign as this so personally, then the problem is clearly you.

[Anonymous]

How do you like him to correct things he doesn't like about you? When he wants to change something about you that he doesn't like, how does he go about this in a way that makes you want to change.

Figuring out how you would react and what would be effective for you can help you have a conversation with him in a way that is more collaborative. Point out how you respond graciously and try to change when he corrects you and points out to you what he finds offensive and disgusting about you and use this to work together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married a long time and spouse still constantly chews with mouth open, shoves enormous amounts of food in his mouth and talks with his mouth full. When we are out to dinner or at a friends house he uses good manners. Waits until he has finished chewing to answer a question, takes a reasonably size bite. At home though, he is really gross.

He knows it bothers me and does not really care. He makes silly oopsI forgot faces, and en continues to eat like a slob.

I obviously have been unsuccessful in persuading him to adopt the manners I prefer.
All thoughts welcome.

Maybe it is my pet peeve and I need to just remove myself from the situation.

So he did it before you married him, you married him anyway, and now you want him to change? Sounds like table manners aren't that important to him, and if they were that important to you that should have been dealt with before!

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles is right, OP.
If this is the most bothersome thing about him, a) you're lucky, and b) feel free to fight him on this. Otherwise, move on to bigger problems.

At least he behaves in public. Just think, when he's old and senile, he won't make even that effort!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married a long time and spouse still constantly chews with mouth open, shoves enormous amounts of food in his mouth and talks with his mouth full. When we are out to dinner or at a friends house he uses good manners. Waits until he has finished chewing to answer a question, takes a reasonably size bite. At home though, he is really gross.

He knows it bothers me and does not really care. He makes silly oopsI forgot faces, and en continues to eat like a slob.

I obviously have been unsuccessful in persuading him to adopt the manners I prefer.
All thoughts welcome.

Maybe it is my pet peeve and I need to just remove myself from the situation.

You don't have that "right."
Tell us what you're doing to press his buttons. Should he have the right to make you stop?

[Anonymous]

Lord my DH does the same nonsense. At friends' houses and in public he has perfect manners but at home they all go out the window. I've had to take some deep breaths and remind myself that I am his wife, not his mother, and he's a grown ass man who can handle eating his own food - no matter how gross find it.

[Anonymous]

You knew this before you married him, so I don't there is much to be done now.

[Anonymous]

Throw in several other bodily functions and you've described my husband. I don't know - you can ask nicely over and over again but mine just gets really defensive no matter how I phrase and I get it - who wants their habits to be the subject of discussion at every meal?

So I don't discuss it anymore. DH knows that I can handle only so much of the grossness before I need to go eat somewhere else. Some nights, he chooses his gross habits over my company. Other nights, he decides he'd like to enjoy a meal with his wife. I do my best not to engage though because it just never goes anywhere good - either I can stand to eat with his behavior of the hour or I can't. It's not up for discussion and I don't hold a grudge about it later. I don't leave in a huff. Every meal he gets a clean slate as far as I'm concerned and every night, I hope and plan to eat with him. If that doesn't work out, we try again the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he can turn his table manners off and on like that, then my only conclusion is that he's a jerk who likes to push your buttons. Ask him WHY he feels the need to purposely do what he KNOWS is your pet peeve. Until he can eat like a civilized human being in your presence, maybe he needs to eat alone. Set him up in the kitchen while you eat in the DR, or vice versa

+1

[Anonymous]

Familiarity breeds contempt.