Explaining Perfectionism/Emotional Issues to Camp/New People, etc.

[Anonymous]

Our DD is a perfectionist, to the point of it becoming debilitating. We are working through it with her, but the past month has been extremely challenging for her. As we get ready for school to end and camp to begin, I'm wondering how we address this issue with camp/new people? I don't envision that the young camp counselors are going to be trained to deal with her meltdowns and I can already see the eye-rolling if I explain in advance that I have a gifted child who is extremely sensitive (well, my in-laws did so and my in-laws were educators before they retired). I also don't want them afraid for her to be at camp. She really might do just fine; we didn't have any isuses at all last summer, and, until recently, we haven't had any issues at her after school activities. But, as I said, the past month has been rough, and one of the teachers at her after school activity pulled me aside to ask whether my child truly wanted to be there, b/c she has such frequent bouts of crying.

[Anonymous]

First of all, leave aside the gifted issue. Giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with an inability to control emotions. Saying it will only turn off the counselors.

She's not just sensitive, she has an emotional problem. I hope you are seeking professional care for her because it can and will become worse. I went through this with my DD. Unless you address this it can become a recipe for depression/anxiety/self-harm/drug abuse/school refusal, not to mention how difficult it makes everyone's lives. If you haven't already, start looking for a professional therapist now.

You need to tell the camp. You will be doing your daughter a real disservice of you don't. Tell them what helps.

She may have a great time and find it a real distraction from her issues. But please don't be blinded by gifts. Thats just the comforting story parents tell themselves. My DD is "gifted" as well. But it has nothing to do with he emotional issues. We reached a real crisis point. You need to step in now so you don't, and I mean step in aggressively. She's really miserable.

[Anonymous]

Has she been diagnosed with anxiety or OCD? If so, people are at least familiar with those terms. Please don't preface with/include in any explanation of child's emotional problems that she is gifted. It is not relevant in this context. In this area, nearly every parent says this and even though it may be true of your daughter, it doesn't mitigate her emotional struggles. Just stick to triggers and what approaches will help your DD have a successful experience.

[Anonymous]

Hi I agree totally with PP as mom of child with anxiety and OCD. Does your daughter go to therapy? If so, tell the camp the strategies she is learning/using in therapy. If not, what techniques do you use that help? For my son, he uses thermometer to share how upset he is. If he gets to certain point, he is taught to take a break and use calming techniques. Whatever works for your daughter can be shared. Also, share what the common triggers are for her. Definitely do not just hope for best. If you are matter of fact, provide tips and strategies, that should do it.

"Hi wanted to let you know Larla has anxiety. When things don't go perfectly she can get upset easier than other kids her age. We encourage Larla to take a break and regroup when she starts to feel like this. She is usually fine after that. Let me know if I can help at all with transition to camp. Thanks!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, leave aside the gifted issue. Giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with an inability to control emotions. Saying it will only turn off the counselors.

She's not just sensitive, she has an emotional problem. I hope you are seeking professional care for her because it can and will become worse. I went through this with my DD. Unless you address this it can become a recipe for depression/anxiety/self-harm/drug abuse/school refusal, not to mention how difficult it makes everyone's lives. If you haven't already, start looking for a professional therapist now.

You need to tell the camp. You will be doing your daughter a real disservice of you don't. Tell them what helps.

She may have a great time and find it a real distraction from her issues. But please don't be blinded by gifts. Thats just the comforting story parents tell themselves. My DD is "gifted" as well. But it has nothing to do with he emotional issues. We reached a real crisis point. You need to step in now so you don't, and I mean step in aggressively. She's really miserable.

Not exactly true. Gifted kids are often very sensitive and prone to Dobrowski's Overexitabilities.

However, this has risen from the level of normal giftedness to the level of a mental health issue. Kids can have both, and many gifted kids are 2E.

[Anonymous]

The eye rolling is going to start the moment you announce your child as "gifted". Leave that touchy word out and just explain the rest of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, leave aside the gifted issue. Giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with an inability to control emotions. Saying it will only turn off the counselors.

She's not just sensitive, she has an emotional problem. I hope you are seeking professional care for her because it can and will become worse. I went through this with my DD. Unless you address this it can become a recipe for depression/anxiety/self-harm/drug abuse/school refusal, not to mention how difficult it makes everyone's lives. If you haven't already, start looking for a professional therapist now.

You need to tell the camp. You will be doing your daughter a real disservice of you don't. Tell them what helps.

She may have a great time and find it a real distraction from her issues. But please don't be blinded by gifts. Thats just the comforting story parents tell themselves. My DD is "gifted" as well. But it has nothing to do with he emotional issues. We reached a real crisis point. You need to step in now so you don't, and I mean step in aggressively. She's really miserable.

Not exactly true. Gifted kids are often very sensitive and prone to Dobrowski's Overexitabilities.

However, this has risen from the level of normal giftedness to the level of a mental health issue. Kids can have both, and many gifted kids are 2E.

I'm PP and had to google this overexcitability thing and I think its BS. Google emotional dysregulation -- thats whats going on here. or a mood disorder such as anxiety. I live in this world having experienced this with my DD. Sure, some kids with these issues are "gifted." My DD is. But most are not. You can be extremely bright and have depression. You can also not be extremely bright and have depression. But if you approach the professionals in your DC's life and say "my DC has depression because she's so gifted" you will sound ridiculous. I know plenty of gifted kids who have no trouble at all with emotional regulation.

In my experience these issues have a large genetic component. If you look around the family tree you might see others with similar, though perhaps not as extreme, issues.

OP, DBT really helped my DD. You can google that as well.

[Anonymous]

NP here...where did you get DBT. Doesn't seem to be widely available.

Agree with everyone else that you should not bring up the gifted issue. Totally separate.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. We are just exploring avenues for seeking professional assistance. Up until now, everyone told us this was a normal part of being 5, 6, 7 (you get the point), but I knew it wasn't quite right. Particularly when her teacher told us that the strategies that she has employed with children over her 20+ years of teaching aren't working with my DD. What's challenging for us, however, is that while her teacher recognizes that our DD is more challenging than other kids, she still doesn't see this as a real "issue" and neither does her doctor. But I'm a mom, and I know that my DD's behavior is extreme (or typical for a true perfectionist). It is debilitating to my DD and it is getting progressively worse, not better. From day 1, we've praised the effort, not the result. We even asked our nanny to read the same books that we read, and she is on the same page. We do the take a break approach, which I think is a great suggestion for camp. What we really need now are coping strategies to help our DD cope with her anxiety.

We have reached out to a few therapists we know to see if they have a recommendation, but we have not yet found the right person. I'm open to suggestions, and I don't care about insurance. DC or close in MD/VA would be fine.

What is DBM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, leave aside the gifted issue. Giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with an inability to control emotions. Saying it will only turn off the counselors.

She's not just sensitive, she has an emotional problem. I hope you are seeking professional care for her because it can and will become worse. I went through this with my DD. Unless you address this it can become a recipe for depression/anxiety/self-harm/drug abuse/school refusal, not to mention how difficult it makes everyone's lives. If you haven't already, start looking for a professional therapist now.

You need to tell the camp. You will be doing your daughter a real disservice of you don't. Tell them what helps.

She may have a great time and find it a real distraction from her issues. But please don't be blinded by gifts. Thats just the comforting story parents tell themselves. My DD is "gifted" as well. But it has nothing to do with he emotional issues. We reached a real crisis point. You need to step in now so you don't, and I mean step in aggressively. She's really miserable.

Not exactly true. Gifted kids are often very sensitive and prone to Dobrowski's Overexitabilities.

However, this has risen from the level of normal giftedness to the level of a mental health issue. Kids can have both, and many gifted kids are 2E.

Be that as it may, please explain the value in explaining to a camp counselor that your child is "gifted" in this context? This isn't value-added information for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, leave aside the gifted issue. Giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with an inability to control emotions. Saying it will only turn off the counselors.

She's not just sensitive, she has an emotional problem. I hope you are seeking professional care for her because it can and will become worse. I went through this with my DD. Unless you address this it can become a recipe for depression/anxiety/self-harm/drug abuse/school refusal, not to mention how difficult it makes everyone's lives. If you haven't already, start looking for a professional therapist now.

You need to tell the camp. You will be doing your daughter a real disservice of you don't. Tell them what helps.

She may have a great time and find it a real distraction from her issues. But please don't be blinded by gifts. Thats just the comforting story parents tell themselves. My DD is "gifted" as well. But it has nothing to do with he emotional issues. We reached a real crisis point. You need to step in now so you don't, and I mean step in aggressively. She's really miserable.

Not exactly true. Gifted kids are often very sensitive and prone to Dobrowski's Overexitabilities.
Pp, OP gets what everyone said. Leave her alone now.
However, this has risen from the level of normal giftedness to the level of a mental health issue. Kids can have both, and many gifted kids are 2E.

Be that as it may, please explain the value in explaining to a camp counselor that your child is "gifted" in this context? This isn't value-added information for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are doing a great job. Praising effort is key. Some other thoughts: don't tell her she's over reacting, that will just make things worse.

DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy but your DD is too young for this. It has been transformative for my DD as it teaches specific tools for controlling emotions. Try to find a therapist who works with anxious kids, thats your best bet.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that ended up in the wrong spot. PP, OP gets what everyone said. Leave her alone now.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar kid, OP, though more non-participatory than prone to meltdowns, and I always have a brief conversation before camp or a new activity, but I would never mention his giftededness because it isn't relevant to them in any way. I don't mention that he has dysgraphia either--how would it help? I think you want to say the MINIMUM that is going to give them some tools to help your child and maybe generate a little sympathy/patience (again, mentioning giftedness generates no sympathy!)

I say, "My child has a lot of anxiety and is sometimes a little slow to join activities. He does better when given a little space and time as opposed to being pushed or prodded. He is very excited to do this camp and I don't anticipate major issues but I just wanted to let you know." If they ask for more I might tell them about actual diagnosis etc otherwise I leave it at that. I have zero expectations that teenage camp counselors will be able to do what trained teachers have trouble doing and I know I have to be prepared to pull him from camps and activities if it doesn't work. Fortunately this hasn't happened in a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are just exploring avenues for seeking professional assistance. Up until now, everyone told us this was a normal part of being 5, 6, 7 (you get the point), but I knew it wasn't quite right. Particularly when her teacher told us that the strategies that she has employed with children over her 20+ years of teaching aren't working with my DD. What's challenging for us, however, is that while her teacher recognizes that our DD is more challenging than other kids, she still doesn't see this as a real "issue" and neither does her doctor. But I'm a mom, and I know that my DD's behavior is extreme (or typical for a true perfectionist). It is debilitating to my DD and it is getting progressively worse, not better. From day 1, we've praised the effort, not the result. We even asked our nanny to read the same books that we read, and she is on the same page. We do the take a break approach, which I think is a great suggestion for camp. What we really need now are coping strategies to help our DD cope with her anxiety.

We have reached out to a few therapists we know to see if they have a recommendation, but we have not yet found the right person. I'm open to suggestions, and I don't care about insurance. DC or close in MD/VA would be fine.

What is DBM?

Hi OP. I answered farther down but hadn't seen this post. Teachers are indispensable in so many ways, in this case for you for providing key observations, but they can't really tell you what's going on. If this is "debilitating" and "getting progressively worse" you definitely would benefit from professional help. We see a play therapist who specializes in anxiety and she has been extraordinarily helpful--but she is not close in. Also, we eventually got a neuropsych exam and that was very informative to help us figure out the different pieces.