DH says we should start counseling, I feel it is too late

[Anonymous]

I have, sadly, posted in the past on this board about my problems with DH...
We both work FT and have a preschool aged child. DH works late most of the time (anytime between 9-11pm) and maybe comes home around 7pm twice a week for dinner. He plays sports one night a week and goes to a bar with teammates afterwards. He plays the same sport on Sundays (which usually doesn't allow us to do anything else on that day) He drops off DC in the morning because I go in to work early. From then on, most of the chores and child related activities are on me. Whatever we do on the weekend, either as a family, or as a couple in the evening, is always planned by me. Those nights DH comes home "early", he eats dinner, help with DC, then exercises until 10pm or after, then he'll have drinks. By then, I am in bed.
He says that all these activities are his way to relax. When he is not working, he is either engaged in some individual activity or with friends: sports or going out for a drink.

What bothers me about DH is that he is extremely defensive about his me time. I feel completely ignored and neglected. I have been pretty vocal about it, asking him to call the babysitter every once in a while and to take me somewhere, but it never happens. I have been asking him to think about his priorities, but I am usually met with defensiveness which will then turn into aggression. He'll say that all his time is devoted to his family and he doesn't understand what I want! He says that I want complete control over him. I am pretty social myself and like to hang out with people, he knows that. For example he's going out tonight to go to a club with a friend and his girlfriend to see a DJ he likes. He was drinking liquor before leaving while I was putting DC in bed. I've told him that I don't understand why he has to go out on a week night when he works so much and is barely home.
I've asked for him to maybe hang out/go out on the weeknights so I can be included but nothing happens.
I've been talking about moving out because I see no solution to this, it's been going on for a long time. Today, he sent me a message from work saying that we should see a counselor because we "have completely different expectations of each other" and a counselor may be able to help us sort it out. I am afraid it's just sheer manipulation from him. I think he might be afraid of the financial burden of me getting another place with rent, etc... I also am starting to think that while he's called me controlling he has been the controlling one and is afraid of losing his power over me.
He is not affectionate or loving towards me unless after we've been out somewhere, where he notices the attention I get from male, strangers or friends. I feel like a complete tool to my husband, only there to facilitate his life style.

Sorry if this post is a little all over the place but it reflects how I am feeling right now. Any thoughts or advice?

[Anonymous]

It is never too late to start counseling. Just don't let it drag on forever without any results.

[Anonymous]

I think counseling is always a good step. It certainly can't hurt.

But I can see why you feel despondent.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband's drinking may be a big part of the problem.

I would give counseling a chance -- just, make sure to convey your concerns about your husband's drinking.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right, OP. You're on the periphery of his life. The thing about the DJ night is ridiculous. Why didn't he want you along?

Do you think he's having an affair? It sounds fishy to me. At the very least he sounds selfish and immature, and like he's trying to pretend he's still single in his early 20s.

[Anonymous]

A counselor may help you figure out what you want and how to make an exit from this. Don't be a victim who has to be "manipulated" by your husband. Take control of this and call him on it: "Sure, let's go see a counselor. I need at least 5 days notice to get a sitter for Larla. Tell me when and where. I'll be there!"

[Anonymous]

Yes, go to counseling. Your DH is having a hard time adjusting to parenthood coupled with the fact that he just doesn't know how to relate to a preschooler and he is scared of trying and getting it wrong and having you as an audience watching and judging.

Also, hire a sitter yourself and go out once a week. Do not fall into the trap of saying you can't do it and your DH should be watching your child, etc. The only one who ends up hurt by that is you

[Anonymous]

DO NOT do the legwork to find a counselor. If he is serious, he will get one. Give him a month to make an appointment. Then if there's no appointment, leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're right, OP. You're on the periphery of his life. The thing about the DJ night is ridiculous. Why didn't he want you along?

Do you think he's having an affair? It sounds fishy to me. At the very least he sounds selfish and immature, and like he's trying to pretend he's still single in his early 20s.

OP here- An affair could be possible-for all that I know... But definitely not happening at night then. He asked if I wanted to go tonight but I don't go out on week nights, I go to bed at the latest at 11pm, I just have to get up way too early. Wouldn't have minded watching a movie together at home, though!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he thinks he is still in his 20's. He wants to do what he wants and if you don't like it he makes you feel like you are the nag. My DH works hard too and travels for work. He also likes to play sports. But the difference is he always puts me and the kids first. He would not go play his sport if we had stuff going on. Also he does not hang out at bars. That is not a good sign. Family should always come before alcohol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, go to counseling. Your DH is having a hard time adjusting to parenthood coupled with the fact that he just doesn't know how to relate to a preschooler and he is scared of trying and getting it wrong and having you as an audience watching and judging.

Also, hire a sitter yourself and go out once a week. Do not fall into the trap of saying you can't do it and your DH should be watching your child, etc. The only one who ends up hurt by that is you

Sounds good, will try that (going out once a week- maybe HH?)

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who dated a guy like for many years. He was obsessed with bro time, bro weekends, drinking, partying, DJ nights at Fur, weightlifting, and so on. He was a nice guy, but determined to live his life this way, even until and beyond when they broke up in their very late 30s. Peter Pan syndrome. Go ahead and go to counseling, but he sounds like what h's anticipating is a counselor who will excuse his behavior and tell you you're a buzzkill. Choose carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband's drinking may be a big part of the problem.

I would give counseling a chance -- just, make sure to convey your concerns about your husband's drinking.

Yes, it may be that my thoughts jumped to the alcohol just because I have so many addicts in my family but OP's description did make me wonder if that is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband's drinking may be a big part of the problem.

I would give counseling a chance -- just, make sure to convey your concerns about your husband's drinking.

Yes, it may be that my thoughts jumped to the alcohol just because I have so many addicts in my family but OP's description did make me wonder if that is an issue.

OP here- DH's drinking is definitely an issue. He never has just one drink. Drinks heavily at every event where alcohol is served. Will down a 6 pack in less than an hour.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad! When does he ever spend a moment with dc? I am so sorry for you, op. You sound smart and rational, and I'm sure you'll do the right thing.