supporting mom with dad in hospice

[Anonymous]

For anyone who has been there, was there anything that was especially helpful? I'm grieving because it's my dad, but it's a huge change for my mom coming in addition to get own grief and I am not quite sure what the best support is.

[Anonymous]

I would think that the usual stuff is helpful:

Cook meals that she can heat up in small portions.

Take over some of the household administration (pay the utility bills, arrange to mow the grass, etc.)

[Anonymous]

is it home hospice or a facility?
I'd imagine she's staying round the clock and you are taking over? she may need a break from it all. if you can offer to stay with him so she can rest knowing he isn't alone. help her find and bring token items to share with him in his bed, photos, blankets. find someone in the family to help with arrangements that will be needed later. you can't and won't want to do it or think about it. delegate what you can that isn't just getting every ounce of family time.

I'm sorry, your dad if in hospice isn't in pain and at least you can say a goodbye. it's harder than anything imaginable, but you will get through. also, sometimes just letting the person know, it's okay to let go, allows them to peacefully stop fighting. let him know it's going to be okay and he can go. sorry again, just my advice. been there twice....

[Anonymous]

Having recently had a friend in home hospice talk to your dad and mom about if they want visitors. My friend wanted to be able to say goodbye to a number of key friends, so we got a few of us to coordinate getting in touch with these friends, coordinating them visiting when she had the energy for visits and getting them out to see her or having them call her if they couldn't make it to her. She really appreciated the closure of being able to talk to them.

I know you asked for support for your mom, but I think coordinating this type of support will be helpful for her as well so that she has fewer questions/comments to field after your dad passes from the well-meaning calling her to talk. If they've already spoken to her husband especially when she's there, then she will be able to think more about herself rather than focusing on people who didn't get to talk to him before he passed.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for the difficult time you're going through. In my experience, just being present is the most important thing. Visit your mom, visit with your dad, talk to both of them, listen to both of them. Ask a lot of questions that you may never get to ask again. Acknowledge all the reasons you respect and love them both. Just being emotionally present, and allowing my parents to express their feelings and fears and wishes, was the most important thing I did during the time my mom was in hospice.

I think my folks also felt some kind of internal pressure to settle things and make a plan. I wish that I had encouraged them to slow down - that we didn't need to sell the house and car immediately, but could take a few weeks to figure out the right course of action. My parents were so eager to see each other taken care of that i think we rushed things that could have been handled better.

In my case, it also helped to take on some of the administrative burden. I took over health insurance payments and billing issues, and other paperwork that my surviving parent just wasn't ready to tackle alone. I think it helped to relieve that burden.

All my best with the tough road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for the difficult time you're going through. In my experience, just being present is the most important thing. Visit your mom, visit with your dad, talk to both of them, listen to both of them. Ask a lot of questions that you may never get to ask again. Acknowledge all the reasons you respect and love them both. Just being emotionally present, and allowing my parents to express their feelings and fears and wishes, was the most important thing I did during the time my mom was in hospice.

I think my folks also felt some kind of internal pressure to settle things and make a plan. I wish that I had encouraged them to slow down - that we didn't need to sell the house and car immediately, but could take a few weeks to figure out the right course of action. My parents were so eager to see each other taken care of that i think we rushed things that could have been handled better.

In my case, it also helped to take on some of the administrative burden. I took over health insurance payments and billing issues, and other paperwork that my surviving parent just wasn't ready to tackle alone. I think it helped to relieve that burden.

All my best with the tough road ahead.

I was in your situation 4 years ago, OP. This is good advice. You are right that you and your mom with experience this differently; you both are grieving but will do it in your own way. My best advice besides the other good advice you've gotten here is to be patient with your mother and to connect with people IRL who have experienced this. My friends who had lost a parent were invaluable to me -- they knew what I was experiencing and I didn't have to explain anything.

This is very, very hard and I am so sorry for you. Just having been there for both of them will bring you comfort later.