Teens and Young Adult Madness!

[Anonymous]

So, my college aged DC is home from school for the summer and living with us. Our second DC just graduated HS and is ready to kick back before heading to college. Youngest DC in HS is just being the typical moody teen -- lovely and chatty one moment and sullen, oversensitive the next. Two older ones are working (thank goodness) but they are all living with us. Our grocery bill is through the roof, there is always someone who needs help fixing a car, handling some aspect of adult living, and the money is literally streaming out the door! It occurs to me that they are "almost adults" but not quite -- capable of doing so much, yet lacking the experience and foresight to handle a lot of their responsibilities. It's almost enought to make me wish for the baby years (well, not quite, but you get the picture).

Now don't get me wrong. They are all good kids and it's great to have the entire family together again for the summer. But really? This is insane. Any sage advice from the older set who've been through this?

[Anonymous]

Going through that now, so nothing tried and proven here. But it sounds like everybody needs responsibilities around the house as well as summer jobs to pay for the gas and entertainment.

That said, summer jobs can be hard to come by. College kid and HS kid both have interviews in the next week, fingers crossed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my college aged DC is home from school for the summer and living with us. Our second DC just graduated HS and is ready to kick back before heading to college. Youngest DC in HS is just being the typical moody teen -- lovely and chatty one moment and sullen, oversensitive the next. Two older ones are working (thank goodness) but they are all living with us. Our grocery bill is through the roof, there is always someone who needs help fixing a car, handling some aspect of adult living, and the money is literally streaming out the door! It occurs to me that they are "almost adults" but not quite -- capable of doing so much, yet lacking the experience and foresight to handle a lot of their responsibilities. It's almost enought to make me wish for the baby years (well, not quite, but you get the picture).

Now don't get me wrong. They are all good kids and it's great to have the entire family together again for the summer. But really? This is insane. Any sage advice from the older set who've been through this?

If 2 older ones are working, why are you supporting them? They need to figure out finances on their own or pay you room and board.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, don't have any great advice except just to say that it's hard to figure out for which things I'm going to let 20-year-old dd sink or swim on her own and which things I should step in on. She's taking a summer course and is running into some bureaucratic red tape but I figure that it's up to her to make sure everything happens the way it should. Because she'll survive if something goes wrong and she can't take the course. I have, however, reminded her to check on how things are going at the school because I haven't seen a charge for it yet.

I also point out to her that she's at that age where she wants to have control over her own life but she's used to having mom deal with red tape. She learned last summer how annoying it was when she had to make sure her immunization record got to the college where she was taking a summer course. But again - if the course hadn't happened, she would have been fine. For something else I might have jumped in and taken over.

[Anonymous]

We're just a bit beyond your stage -- oldest is a recent college grad working and living on his own on the west coast, middle kid is in college and will be home in a few weeks, and youngest is in HS. With kids in college, you kind of need to brace yourself for the summer return. It seems like you're just getting used to their absence and then, they're baaack. Even when they're working and earning money, your expenses go up, at least in terms of food.

But more than that, the house just feels more chaotic, because, it is more chaotic and full of people -- young people who are spontaneous -- remember that -- spontaneity? Ah, yes, it was lovely when you were the spontaneous one, but crazy-making when you witness it. I mean, it's not just your kid who's back, but all of his/her pals, and even when you love them and are thrilled to see how they're growing up and stepping out into the world, it's a little disconcerting to have them emerge from the basement on Saturday as the sun goes over the yardarm. Then, when they start discussing their plans for the day (or what's left of it), your head just spins. (DH and I often retreat to the porch or our room to try to sort this out -- "Whose girlfriend is flying in from Boston?" "No, that is not his girlfriend -- she's a friend from his internship who's passing through town before moving to Alaska to do Teach for America." "Teach for America? Are you sure it isn't Code for America?" -- yes, this was a real conversation.)

As far as helping your kids figure out how to pay a parking ticket, tell a boss you're quitting to move to Alaska, ship your stuff to Alaska, etc. --you must resist the urge to do this for your child, or even tell them how to do it. Just ask questions in a friendly, but detached way. Example: "Can you really just take all your winter gear and put it on a freighter in New York and then it's there when you get to Alaska in September? My goodness. Does it ever work out that the gear doesn't arrive when the person does? Hmmm. I wonder what would happen if the freighter got there first? . . . . " Occasionally, your child will respond --"You know, that's a good point, Mom. I'll ask about that." More often, they'll say, "Oh, Mom, you worry too much." To which you respond "I'm sure I do; it'll be fine." Then, if it is all fine, peachy; if it's not, this is how your child learns about life and develops survival skills.

In any case, eventually, your child will return to college or move to Alaska and you'll miss him/her, but you'll text and Skype and the house will be blessedly quiet again -- with just you, DH and younger teen child who loooved having less attention all summer long and is now seething with youngest child resent because s/he is once again the focus of all your parental ministrations. But, before you turn your attention to him/her, do remember to check the basement b/c you never know who's down there.

[Anonymous]

Not there yet, but thanks for the great post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're just a bit beyond your stage -- oldest is a recent college grad working and living on his own on the west coast, middle kid is in college and will be home in a few weeks, and youngest is in HS. With kids in college, you kind of need to brace yourself for the summer return. It seems like you're just getting used to their absence and then, they're baaack. Even when they're working and earning money, your expenses go up, at least in terms of food.

But more than that, the house just feels more chaotic, because, it is more chaotic and full of people -- young people who are spontaneous -- remember that -- spontaneity? Ah, yes, it was lovely when you were the spontaneous one, but crazy-making when you witness it. I mean, it's not just your kid who's back, but all of his/her pals, and even when you love them and are thrilled to see how they're growing up and stepping out into the world, it's a little disconcerting to have them emerge from the basement on Saturday as the sun goes over the yardarm. Then, when they start discussing their plans for the day (or what's left of it), your head just spins. (DH and I often retreat to the porch or our room to try to sort this out -- "Whose girlfriend is flying in from Boston?" "No, that is not his girlfriend -- she's a friend from his internship who's passing through town before moving to Alaska to do Teach for America." "Teach for America? Are you sure it isn't Code for America?" -- yes, this was a real conversation.)

As far as helping your kids figure out how to pay a parking ticket, tell a boss you're quitting to move to Alaska, ship your stuff to Alaska, etc. --you must resist the urge to do this for your child, or even tell them how to do it. Just ask questions in a friendly, but detached way. Example: "Can you really just take all your winter gear and put it on a freighter in New York and then it's there when you get to Alaska in September? My goodness. Does it ever work out that the gear doesn't arrive when the person does? Hmmm. I wonder what would happen if the freighter got there first? . . . . " Occasionally, your child will respond --"You know, that's a good point, Mom. I'll ask about that." More often, they'll say, "Oh, Mom, you worry too much." To which you respond "I'm sure I do; it'll be fine." Then, if it is all fine, peachy; if it's not, this is how your child learns about life and develops survival skills.

In any case, eventually, your child will return to college or move to Alaska and you'll miss him/her, but you'll text and Skype and the house will be blessedly quiet again -- with just you, DH and younger teen child who loooved having less attention all summer long and is now seething with youngest child resent because s/he is once again the focus of all your parental ministrations. But, before you turn your attention to him/her, do remember to check the basement b/c you never know who's down there.

You captured this perfectly!

[Anonymous]

Ah, my housemates! They're in their 20's college/grad school. Here for the summer (some). We live like we're in a group house. We all shop and share groceries but cook (?) for ourselves. I reimburse for their groceries if they have a receipt. We try not to eat "the last" of something someone else bought. I cook a few group meals when I feel like it but am not surprised if they aren't here. I don't know where they go or the hours they keep. Luckily they are quiet when they come in. I close the door to their messy rooms. They pick-up their stuff elsewhere in the house, generally. At this stage I don't feel like I have any active mothering-role. I'm done. I know myself and know I can't mother-them more without being resentful. As it is, I enjoy their company. I enjoy them as people.

[Anonymous]

I think just trying to enjoy each other as ADULTS is key. (Except for the HS kid.) So, as adults, they need to contribute to the household and be considerate of "housemates"...clean up, buy groceries occasionally, offer to cook, etc.

Why is money streaming out the door, aside from feeding more growing young men? Seems like no other expenses should have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're just a bit beyond your stage -- oldest is a recent college grad working and living on his own on the west coast, middle kid is in college and will be home in a few weeks, and youngest is in HS. With kids in college, you kind of need to brace yourself for the summer return. It seems like you're just getting used to their absence and then, they're baaack. Even when they're working and earning money, your expenses go up, at least in terms of food.

But more than that, the house just feels more chaotic, because, it is more chaotic and full of people -- young people who are spontaneous -- remember that -- spontaneity? Ah, yes, it was lovely when you were the spontaneous one, but crazy-making when you witness it. I mean, it's not just your kid who's back, but all of his/her pals, and even when you love them and are thrilled to see how they're growing up and stepping out into the world, it's a little disconcerting to have them emerge from the basement on Saturday as the sun goes over the yardarm. Then, when they start discussing their plans for the day (or what's left of it), your head just spins. (DH and I often retreat to the porch or our room to try to sort this out -- "Whose girlfriend is flying in from Boston?" "No, that is not his girlfriend -- she's a friend from his internship who's passing through town before moving to Alaska to do Teach for America." "Teach for America? Are you sure it isn't Code for America?" -- yes, this was a real conversation.)

As far as helping your kids figure out how to pay a parking ticket, tell a boss you're quitting to move to Alaska, ship your stuff to Alaska, etc. --you must resist the urge to do this for your child, or even tell them how to do it. Just ask questions in a friendly, but detached way. Example: "Can you really just take all your winter gear and put it on a freighter in New York and then it's there when you get to Alaska in September? My goodness. Does it ever work out that the gear doesn't arrive when the person does? Hmmm. I wonder what would happen if the freighter got there first? . . . . " Occasionally, your child will respond --"You know, that's a good point, Mom. I'll ask about that." More often, they'll say, "Oh, Mom, you worry too much." To which you respond "I'm sure I do; it'll be fine." Then, if it is all fine, peachy; if it's not, this is how your child learns about life and develops survival skills.

In any case, eventually, your child will return to college or move to Alaska and you'll miss him/her, but you'll text and Skype and the house will be blessedly quiet again -- with just you, DH and younger teen child who loooved having less attention all summer long and is now seething with youngest child resent because s/he is once again the focus of all your parental ministrations. But, before you turn your attention to him/her, do remember to check the basement b/c you never know who's down there.

You captured this perfectly!

Love this.

[Anonymous]

12:12 "No other expenses?" I'm guessing you are not a mother of young adults in college

[Anonymous]

Lot of expenses get put-off. It's sort of the perfect storm when they come home - car repairs, dentist, things falling apart & taped together. College/Grad school students, even if they are working some, they have very little money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're just a bit beyond your stage -- oldest is a recent college grad working and living on his own on the west coast, middle kid is in college and will be home in a few weeks, and youngest is in HS. With kids in college, you kind of need to brace yourself for the summer return. It seems like you're just getting used to their absence and then, they're baaack. Even when they're working and earning money, your expenses go up, at least in terms of food.

But more than that, the house just feels more chaotic, because, it is more chaotic and full of people -- young people who are spontaneous -- remember that -- spontaneity? Ah, yes, it was lovely when you were the spontaneous one, but crazy-making when you witness it. I mean, it's not just your kid who's back, but all of his/her pals, and even when you love them and are thrilled to see how they're growing up and stepping out into the world, it's a little disconcerting to have them emerge from the basement on Saturday as the sun goes over the yardarm. Then, when they start discussing their plans for the day (or what's left of it), your head just spins. (DH and I often retreat to the porch or our room to try to sort this out -- "Whose girlfriend is flying in from Boston?" "No, that is not his girlfriend -- she's a friend from his internship who's passing through town before moving to Alaska to do Teach for America." "Teach for America? Are you sure it isn't Code for America?" -- yes, this was a real conversation.)

As far as helping your kids figure out how to pay a parking ticket, tell a boss you're quitting to move to Alaska, ship your stuff to Alaska, etc. --you must resist the urge to do this for your child, or even tell them how to do it. Just ask questions in a friendly, but detached way. Example: "Can you really just take all your winter gear and put it on a freighter in New York and then it's there when you get to Alaska in September? My goodness. Does it ever work out that the gear doesn't arrive when the person does? Hmmm. I wonder what would happen if the freighter got there first? . . . . " Occasionally, your child will respond --"You know, that's a good point, Mom. I'll ask about that." More often, they'll say, "Oh, Mom, you worry too much." To which you respond "I'm sure I do; it'll be fine." Then, if it is all fine, peachy; if it's not, this is how your child learns about life and develops survival skills.

In any case, eventually, your child will return to college or move to Alaska and you'll miss him/her, but you'll text and Skype and the house will be blessedly quiet again -- with just you, DH and younger teen child who loooved having less attention all summer long and is now seething with youngest child resent because s/he is once again the focus of all your parental ministrations. But, before you turn your attention to him/her, do remember to check the basement b/c you never know who's down there.

You captured this perfectly!

Love this.

Every now and then, DCUM provides a post so awesome, I print it out and save it. This made the cut!

[Anonymous]

I know it's just a vent.

But... you knew this was going to happen, and they would live with you and not be completely independent, right?

It's only in the USA that parents expect their young adult children to just magically turn into responsible and gainfully employed adults. I'm European. Most university students don't live on campus, because most universities don't have campuses like here. They live with their parents, or share a flat with roommates, or somehow manage on their own. Unemployment is much higher than here. They are not expected to find a job right out of college and set up on their own, just like that. So families pitch in.

Good luck anyway, OP.

[Anonymous]

There are many of us in this together. We want to share stories, to get tips, to laugh. We have a lot in common. This circumstance is not a problem.

Here's a story: My son was seeing the dentist. I was in the waiting room. The dentist calls ME in to say son isn't brushing his teeth enough. Doc, what am I suppose to do about it? You do know he's 20!