Extended houseguests

[Anonymous]

Please help me with how to handle my husbands parents.
There MO is to visit our house twice a year for 3 weeks long, whenever cheapest and most convenient for them. They just want to "see us", however we both work full time. Thus it quickly becomes a situation where they are living in our home, eating through everything, and using everything they can find. Lamps break, appliances break, they make my husband grocery shop for them every three days at 8pm after dinner as they are very particular about their fruits, veg, berris, tea, bread, etc.
They don't go put ever, on weekends they don't want to do anything with an admission or eating out unless my husband pays. And they never ever say Thank You.

They have plenty of money, they just don't like to spend it. My husband bends over backwards for them but once in awhile gets enough guts to ask them to get their own groceries, as they are eating 3-4 meals a day in our house plus snack, drinks. When they so this they only buy food for themselves the next couple days, never replenish what they've used up (olive oil, spices, frozen meats). They refuse to rent a car or do side trips tues thru Thursday. We fly out to see them on major holidays and breaks, paying through the teeth of course for flights. Ironically at their house they do two meals a day, though we are spa mix of things, including visiting various people during the day or for dinner, not sitting around 24/7.

Half of the problem is definitely my husband. He has poor verbal communication with his parents so expectations or anything else comes down to me and his parents seem quite set in their ways. Their parents treated them the same way, stuffing in their beach house for weeks never opening their pocketbooks and even demanding a cooked dinner served to them each time they came to babysit.

At this point, not sure what to do. When they come my husband reverts to a child where he thinks there are three people to do everything for him and he disappears into his home office for hours or works late. It's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Start saying no.

Have a conversation with your DH, tell him that the current set-up cannot continue, and that if he doesn't tell his parents, you will. Start with having their next visit be no more than a week, and tell DH that you're scheduling some fun things for yourself so he can spend time with his parents. No working late, no going to the office when he gets home...if he can't entertain his parents, they can't come, simple as that, so it can't just be when it is convenient for them. And, regardless, no trips longer than a week.

Start setting aside some holidays to stay home (and what about your family?). Let DH do some solo visits by himself for minor holidays. If he insists you come, say you'd rather stay here with him, but if he feels he must go, you'll just have to survive without him.

Nothing will change until you start saying no to things and be willing to put up a fuss, such that DH starts to realize that you're serious and that he needs to consider your feelings, not just those of his parents.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with the husband becoming a child again when the ILs visit. It's partially what MIL wants and partially DH feeling immobilized by the demands. Anyway, talk to your husband and tell him you're not in a position to entertain for 3 weeks straight and if he wants to welcome his parents for another 3 weeks, they need to:
-buy their own groceries (send them the link to Peapod ahead of time so they an order what they want). If that comes off as too harsh, offer them a ride to the grocery store and then wait in the car til they're done - if you're not standing there at check out with your wallet, you can't pay for it.
-Sign them up for Zipcar and have the membership card waiting for them once they arrive. Take your car to work and continue to use it as you normally would while they're here.
-Agree to a certain number of family outings while they're here. It should be fun visit after all. So one weekend away, 1 night a week out.

When they arrive, thank them for coming to help and then show them around your home, explaining where things go, what's off limits and only for special occasions, and where all the cleaning supplies are, how to load the dishwasher, how to do their laundry while they're with you, etc.

[Anonymous]

What's that thing where you do the same thing over and over and over and expect a different result?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start saying no.

Have a conversation with your DH, tell him that the current set-up cannot continue, and that if he doesn't tell his parents, you will. Start with having their next visit be no more than a week, and tell DH that you're scheduling some fun things for yourself so he can spend time with his parents. No working late, no going to the office when he gets home...if he can't entertain his parents, they can't come, simple as that, so it can't just be when it is convenient for them. And, regardless, no trips longer than a week.

Start setting aside some holidays to stay home (and what about your family?). Let DH do some solo visits by himself for minor holidays. If he insists you come, say you'd rather stay here with him, but if he feels he must go, you'll just have to survive without him.

Nothing will change until you start saying no to things and be willing to put up a fuss, such that DH starts to realize that you're serious and that he needs to consider your feelings, not just those of his parents.

+1000

He leaves you w the IL? That has to stop. Set boundaries. If your DH can't man up, then you have a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

The only person you can change in this situation is you, OP. Start doing something different:
--say no
--stop going on the visits with the entire family. He can fly to see his parents
--leave the house when they are there.
--have little food in your house when they visit. Hide snacks and fruit for kids. I would have a bin that I would keep in my bedroom. Yes, that's crazy, but sometimes you gotta match crazy with crazy.
--Eat out. Just get in the car and take your kids out.
--say no

[Anonymous]

We had a similar problem. We had to institute a rule: "No one stays for longer than a week unless someone died or they crossed an ocean to get here." It applies to all guests.

It has taken a couple of difficult conversations, and some serious steeling of the backbone, but I think we've finally established that we're not kidding.

Just fight the battle and get it over with or things will never change. And you and DH have to be a united front.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Can you have a "business trip" during part of their visit - something real or made up - anything that serves as a break/vacation for you? If husband won't speak up and manage their expectations, I wouldn't have any qualms about leaving him to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Let the food run out. Start eating out with DH before you get home. Say, "What are your plans for dinner?" etc.

[Anonymous]

You have a DH problem, not an in-law problem. Three weeks is an insane amount of time, especially TWICE a year. One week at a time, twice a year sounds much more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

It's simple, your husband has one more chance to stick up for you, your house, your belongings, your money, and your time and tell his parents the Houseguest Rules, or you will.
If he's idiotic enough to keep picking his self-centered moocher parents over all that, then he really is a little boy. Bent on placid, fake "harmony" at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a "business trip" during part of their visit - something real or made up - anything that serves as a break/vacation for you? If husband won't speak up and manage their expectations, I wouldn't have any qualms about leaving him to deal with it.

It sounds like this is already practically the case. They show up and have the whole house and free food for themselves for three weeks! While the hubby works all the time!

Can you all take a vacation together instead? Each pays their own way, have more quality time, and no one is getting ripped off. Some days do stuff together, other days be independent? (Which normally happens when traveling with another family or couple)