Have you ever stopped speaking to a sibling because you disliked their spouse?
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Anonymous
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My brother and I were somewhat close, but I have never really clicked with his spouse and lately, his spouse has gotten to be so angry and resentful that it is hard to be around her or my brother. She storms out of the room in angry fits at our family functions and is also extremely critical of my brother in public. It is so awkward to be around them.
We live far away so we only see them 1-2 x per year. Right now, I really don't want to hang out with them anymore. I don't want to stop speaking to my brother, but at this point, I am thinking of limiting interactions to the occasional phone call. I have told him before how awkward gatherings have become but he doesn't see the problem. He says his wife just doesn't like certain members of our family and that is why she is unhappy at gatherings. I have told him that if she is uncomfortable, she doesn't need to go to everything. But, she still usually does. Other family members have complained and are also now keeping their distance... Anyone else have a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it? |
Anonymous
| I'm like your brother. My husband and brother don't get along at all. At some point way back when there was some misunderstanding between them, and my husband has held a major grudge. It's horrible for me. We have a major family event coming up in a year and I'm already anxious about it because there is no getting out of them being in the same room, for the first time in YEARS. It's placed me in a horrible, horrible position and I implore you to suck it up and not let it balloon into something more. Just deal with it. |
Anonymous
| OP here - I have always been nice and respectful to my brother and his wife. They are just too stressful and exhausting for me. I understand the "suck it up" philosophy, but at the same time, I feel like life is too short to be around their negative energy. |
Anonymous
So as long as you do it knowing that it will damage your relationship with your brother, make things really uncomfortable with his wife, probably damage relationships with their children if they have any, etc. then do what you need to do. But it won't be something that doesn't have an effect on the relationship. There's no way to do what you're suggesting without causing damage in my opinion. |
Anonymous
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My brother married a girl I introduced him to--an acquaintance/friend of mine I'd known for years.
The short story is that she hoards him and is resentful of any time my brother has with our mother or me. She's a very negative person. Every time we got together, about two weeks later I'd hear about something I or DH did or said that upset her. We walked on eggshells for years. Finally my DH couldn't take it anymore and wrote her an email basically telling her to stand down over some dumb issue. He wrote it because he said he didn't want to have the conversation where she'd remember only little bits of it; he wanted to write it so every time she read it, it would say the same thing. I knew if he sent it it would cause WWIII and of course it did. But the truth is, as much as I love my brother and like their kids, it has been BLISS not to have to deal with them at every holiday. My brother does try very hard to stay in touch, but of course, we see each other far less. It's sad. But I love enjoying our holidays (as opposed to egg shelling all day) and NOT having to go to their house for someone's birthday and dealing with another day of eggshells… I agree with you, OP--life is too short! |
Anonymous
| I get that, which is why I am thinking hard about it. I have kids too, and quite frankly, don't want to subject them to this disfunction. If there is collateral damage with other family members, at this point, I am okay with that. |
Anonymous
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17:20 again. Yes, yes, OP. I was at the point where I was ok with not seeing my brother, and my niece and nephew again for 20 years, and giving up on the cousins being pals.
The hardest part is my mom, who wanted this dream family where we were all friends and the cousins played, etc., and she just doesn't get why my SIL has torpedoed all that, and is always looking for a way to make it better. The truth is, my mom has made it worse by trying to make it better. What my mom doesn't understand is this: My SIL doesn't want it to be better; she comes from an unhealthy toxic family and she doesn't like a healthy, nontoxic extended family. So she will take offense at anything to keep it off-kilter. So there's no point, really. All your efforts will be for naught in the end. All our eggshell-walking was attempts at appeasement--appeasing a bully of sorts, and there is that famous saying about appeasement…something like, "You don't turn a tiger into a vegetarian by feeding it meat" |
Anonymous
| OP here. 17:39, that is really helpful. I have the same situation where my mom wants this perfect family with perfect family gatherings. My SIL will come to functions and you can just see her stewing and waiting to cause a fight with someone. I don't expect to never speak to anyone again, but I do really want to limit my contact with these people, which is not very tough to do since I live far from them. The hard part is wrapping my head around the fact that this is the best decision, although not ideal, and forgiving myself for making this choice. |
Anonymous
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I am like your SIL. Maybe you should evaluate yourself. Just because you are "nice" it doesn't mean you are rude in a passive-aggressive way, annoying, tacky, and lacking basic social graces. I would be happy to pretend you don't exist, but I am not letting my kids around you unsupervised by me. Also, my husband wants me there.
So as someone who can't stand her "nice" inlaws, worry about yourself. You are far more annoying than you realize, I am just the only one with no time for your bull. You don't like me because I don't like you. Deal with it. |
Anonymous
| Are= aren't |
Anonymous
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If my siblings are happy with their spouses, I will force myself to like them.
Why? Because I love my siblings and will want to continue to have a relationship with them. So, I will manage their spouses and let them have their little victories in the small things that seem to matter to ILs - because I am not going to sweat the small stuff. |
Anonymous
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I can relate. My SIL is bizarre, and eyes us as competition. She grew up in a drama-filled family, and is is addicted to drama is a really weird and uncomfortable way.
I did have to distance myself from both her and my brother, and unfortunately, that means rarely seeing my niece. |
Anonymous
Uh, ok, Regina. 
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Anonymous
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Pulled back from my sister while she was married to a total asshole.
She finally came to her senses and put him to the curb with the rest of the trash. Very close relationship between ever since. 15+ years. |
Anonymous
OP, Your brother's "explanation" doesn't make any sense. Why does she belittle him then, if she's upset with other people. She's an adult and needs to act like one. If she has a problem with someone, then she needs to address it or ignore them when visiting. Or she could not visit. I would keep contact with your brother and don't even worry about SIL. (you can do this via phone.) My BIL actually can't stand his wife and she was very controlling. Kept him away from his family (he agreed to it.) After their mother died, he came to the funeral and he reached out to my DH. Now they speak every weekend for about an hour. All they have is each other. He just ignores his wife while he's on the phone with my DH (she sits and listens to the phone call). My DH doesn't like his SIL, so they don't really talk about her. Do what's best for you. |