How long to move on after divorce

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I'm looking for some honest answers/advice. I know this is depends on the individual, but would like to hear from some divorced folks.

I met a great guy and we dated for about 3 months. He was very sweet, kind, sensitive, etc... You get the picture. He was married for 20 years and I'm the first person he dated since the divorce. We took things very slow and didn't become physical til very recently. Without getting into too much detail, it was amazing and he seemed more than satisfied as well. The next morning was fine. He made me breakfast in bed and we watched movies for a while.

All seemed perfectly fine until I left. We used to spend hours talking/texting and now we aren't talking. He finally sent me an email (not even a phone call!) and apologized. He said that being intimate changed things and he wasn't prepared for how he would feel. It made him question if he was ready to get into another relationship and he needed to figure it out alone.

Normally, I'd say the guy is a player and got what he wanted. But, he seemed so the opposite of that type of guy.

What do you guys think? Could being physical trigger some unresolved feelings for his ex? I've never seem someone shut down like that after what I thought was such a great experience for both of us. He just completely cut me out of his life.

Any words of wisdom? How long should someone be divorced before dating? I definitely will be cautious moving forward with anyone recently divorced.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would take him at face value. Sounds like he was pretty honest with you. Sometimes people will think they're ready to move on and then they realize... nope, not so much. He probably feels really bad about it.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Always use a condom because after 20 years he may not be interested in monogamy or LTR!

[Anonymous]

"unresolved feelings for his ex?"

I'm guessing not. But I bet he's feeling very vulnerable. Vulnerable because intimacy requires one to be vulnerable. If you truly like this guy and believe you could have a future together, I would let him know - when he is ready, you'd like to be together. Then step back. Let him back away without feeling like a smuck. He may surprise you and come back to you after time passes.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were the rebound/transition person.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would take him at face value. Sounds like he was pretty honest with you. Sometimes people will think they're ready to move on and then they realize... nope, not so much. He probably feels really bad about it.

I'm sorry. [/quote

OP here. Thank you. You are probably right. Just wish he would have figured it out a little sooner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always use a condom because after 20 years he may not be interested in monogamy or LTR!

OP here. Yes, we definitely used a condom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"unresolved feelings for his ex?"

I'm guessing not. But I bet he's feeling very vulnerable. Vulnerable because intimacy requires one to be vulnerable. If you truly like this guy and believe you could have a future together, I would let him know - when he is ready, you'd like to be together. Then step back. Let him back away without feeling like a smuck. He may surprise you and come back to you after time passes.

OP here. I think this is what I was looking for. I can't figure out how things went from so great to so terrible after we slept together. I guess I didn't consider that he would be feeling vulnerable. Thank you for the advice.

[Anonymous]

So I'm not divorced, but I've hear it takes half the time you were together so if they were together 20 years, it might take 10. But that is to fully be over it. Who know when you are ready to date.

[Anonymous]

Man here. Give him a chance. Married 20 years means he is able to be in a serious relationship and stick with it through thick and thin. Plus you and he didn't sleep together until after dating for 3 months. If he was a player he wouldn't have put that much time into you just to get laid, let alone make you breakfast in bed and snuggle through a couple of movies (extra points if they were chick flicks).
His investment in you and all the post-sex attention he gave you seems to describe a person who takes relationships seriously. This is a good sign if you're looking for that.

Unless you've got men lining up to date you, give this guy the space he needs to sort the impact of this. Guys with his history and attentiveness enjoy being in relationships. If you don't want him, some woman will grab him for the next 20 years. If you can wait 3 months before sex it's reasonable to give him the time he needs to process his feelings. One way or another you'll figure out where this is going in a few weeks and you have nothing to loose but your pride in waiting (and everything to gain.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Give him a chance. Married 20 years means he is able to be in a serious relationship and stick with it through thick and thin. Plus you and he didn't sleep together until after dating for 3 months. If he was a player he wouldn't have put that much time into you just to get laid, let alone make you breakfast in bed and snuggle through a couple of movies (extra points if they were chick flicks).
His investment in you and all the post-sex attention he gave you seems to describe a person who takes relationships seriously. This is a good sign if you're looking for that.

Unless you've got men lining up to date you, give this guy the space he needs to sort the impact of this. Guys with his history and attentiveness enjoy being in relationships. If you don't want him, some woman will grab him for the next 20 years. If you can wait 3 months before sex it's reasonable to give him the time he needs to process his feelings. One way or another you'll figure out where this is going in a few weeks and you have nothing to loose but your pride in waiting (and everything to gain.)

Very good advice.

[Anonymous]

Why would you say the guy was a player?

He waited 3 months to have sex with you and spend that time getting to know you. He gave you an explanation that makes sense given his circumstances.

Yet you say that normally you would see this a player. I think you need to readjust your view - men have feelings too. Coming out of a 20 yr divorce is likely to bring on all kinds of feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Give him a chance. Married 20 years means he is able to be in a serious relationship and stick with it through thick and thin. Plus you and he didn't sleep together until after dating for 3 months. If he was a player he wouldn't have put that much time into you just to get laid, let alone make you breakfast in bed and snuggle through a couple of movies (extra points if they were chick flicks).
His investment in you and all the post-sex attention he gave you seems to describe a person who takes relationships seriously. This is a good sign if you're looking for that.

Unless you've got men lining up to date you, give this guy the space he needs to sort the impact of this. Guys with his history and attentiveness enjoy being in relationships. If you don't want him, some woman will grab him for the next 20 years. If you can wait 3 months before sex it's reasonable to give him the time he needs to process his feelings. One way or another you'll figure out where this is going in a few weeks and you have nothing to loose but your pride in waiting (and everything to gain.)

OP here. Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. It really helps to hear a man's take on this. I'd be more than willing to give him time and space to sort through this, I think he is someone worth waiting for. I just wish he would have given me that option. He pretty much just emailed to say he didn't know how he felt, needed time to process and was taking a break. I didn't even get the chance to respond.

I'm not interested it dating anyone else right now so no problem in waiting.

May I get your take on the sex part. As a guy, can it be that much of a game changer? Meaning would it really make things so much different?

Thanks again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you say the guy was a player?

He waited 3 months to have sex with you and spend that time getting to know you. He gave you an explanation that makes sense given his circumstances.

Yet you say that normally you would see this a player. I think you need to readjust your view - men have feelings too. Coming out of a 20 yr divorce is likely to bring on all kinds of feelings.

Sorry if that came out wrong. I meant that normally if a guy disappears immediately after sex, it's often because that's all he was looking for. I also said, he didn't seem like that type at all. That is why I was so confused. Of course I understand that men have feelings too. I've just never been in this situation before and am very confused. I've never been married so can't relate to the aftermath of divorce. That's why I was looking for some input here.

[Anonymous]

I second (or third) the fact that he is probably feeling vulnerable. After 20 years of marriage, it's probably overwhelming to think about getting too emotionally involved again. While it may be going slow, getting intimate dedinitely ramps things up. Give him a shot by giving him so space. I would take things at face value. Good luck!