Vent about in-laws
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Anonymous
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This is mostly a vent but I'd also like some advice how to discuss this with DH. We are having a religious ceremony (similar to a baptism) for our DC followed by a luncheon. I gave my MIL the date 2 months ago at which point she thanked me for letting her know because FIL was planning to go to a conference out of town the day after the event but he hadn't booked his flight yet so she would make sure he made it for later in the day. FWIW, the place he is going is a major city to which there are MANY flights a day (as in every hour all day long).
The RSVP by date is coming up and I found out today (because MIL told DH) that FIL is not going to be coming to the event because of his out of town conference. I'm furious that he isn't coming to this. There is no reason why he couldn't take a later flight. Part of the reason I'm so angry though is because this is really just one instance of many that demonstrate a total lack of interest in our children by MIL and FIL. SIL also has a child and they visit her all the time (although she lives out of town and we do not) and send her gifts so frequently that SIL had to ask them to stop sending gifts because they had too many things. It took MIL and FIL over 2 months to come to see us after our youngest DC was born despite multiple attempts on our part to invite them because they were always too busy with their social life. For any occasions (birthdays and Christmas) MIL always says she doesn't know what to get them but when I make suggestions she never gets them those things. She always gets just books or clothes. I don't care about the actual items, it just seems to me that she has no interest in what the children are interested in. My SIL (a different one who does not have children) always finds wonderful things to get the children because she takes the time to know them and what they like. When MIL comes over she hardly even looks at the children. At the same time though she acts like we are so busy that we don't have time to see them so THAT'S why she doesn't know the children as well as she'd like. She likes to turn things around and blame me. When she told DH that FIL wasn't coming to the upcoming event she said the reason was because they didn't know about the event soon enough. As if 2 months wasn't enough notice. Anyway, I know I should just let this go. Honestly, they are the ones missing out on the relationship with our children. My parents are very involved and give them lots of love and attention so they aren't lacking in love from family/grandparents. It just bothers me because I don't understand their thinking. They are so different with their other grandchild. I'd like to mention how I'm feeling to DH but I want to bring it up in a way that doesn't make him defensive about his parents. I'm just not sure how to do it. |
Anonymous
| You need to readjust your attitude. Your parents are the close grandparents and your in laws are not. Accept them for who they are. They've told you through their repeated actions exactly how close and invved they want to be. Accept that and focus more on the people who do make the effort and are interested and supportive of your family. |
Anonymous
This. You aren't going to change them. Repeat: You aren't going to change them. |
Anonymous
| I am sorry. |
Anonymous
| Why are you furious? they are being the same as they have always been. Why would expect expect in this moment they would be someone else? You need to align your expectations with your reality. Getting mad because other people aren't doing what you want them to is not going to do anything. Don't mention it to DH. He doesn't control his parents any more than you do. You can't force the relationship you want and that isn't your DHs fault. |
Anonymous
| You're right, they are missing out. I have similar issues with my own extended family. I learned that most people are generally selfish and only care about themselves, most of the time. Lower your expectations. Totally not what I expected when I started having children. It will get easier in a few years or when they die. |
Anonymous
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Op it could be worse - they could be YOUR parents. That's my situation. My ILs are heavily involved, but my own mother is not.
Always look on the bright side of life, do do, do do do do do do! |
Anonymous
| Our situation isn't as bad as yours but in my family, it's my parents who aren't as close. I love my mom and I talk to her every day and we have a great relationship. She always says she wants to come see the kids more, they aren't even going to know her, makes "grandma who?" comments, but then doesn't make much of an effort to call them or come see them. My parents get along with my husband- there is no blame or ill will. Its just the way it is. It makes us sad though. Be glad your kids have your parents to be close to, but even discussing it with your husband may not do anything. My husband and I have had this talk and there is nothing that will change my parents. |
Anonymous
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But what does your husband say about this? How does he feel about his father missing this? How does he interact with his family? Is it all on you?
I think you have to let it go. You can't control other people. Your husband should be in charge of interacting with them anyway. |
Anonymous
| Let it go for now...but save your fuss and outrage for any time they show differential treatment in front of your kids. |
Anonymous
| In general I agree with the advice to let your husband deal with them more. And if your MIL is unreliable, would it also help to inform your FIL of events? |
Anonymous
| I think that if you planned an important event for a day when your FIL was flying out of town on a business trip, you really can't expect him to be there. Often on the day before a conference starts, there are networking activities that are not really optional. You MIL might not have known the schedule of events when she initially said he'd be there. |
Anonymous
This...MIL is coming. Everyone cannot always come to every big event in your kids' lives. It's not like they are going to be sitting at home watching "Scandal", FIL is going out of town. As for the other stuff, some folks are clueless...who cares if they get them crappy gifts... my NANA gave me crappy gifts but she still loved me. One of the best gifts we can give our children is the ability to recognize and understand, AND DEAL WITH the fact that people are different. They have different ways of being in relationships and different ways of expressing their affection and their closeness to you. RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFERENT. Kids need to learn how to navigate those DIFFERENT relationships and not judge them based on what their relationship is like with someone else. Your SIL is not necessarily better than MIL just because she gave your kids the science kit they asked for and MIL gave them the Harry Potter collection. Maybe MIL is a sucky gift giver. When she starts actively and in your face treating your kids with disdain and DELIBERATE UNFAIRNESS ..then you have more of a real issue. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL IS coming right? And you have a very involved SIL. That is awesome.
Your MIL probably forgot to mention it to your FIL. Or your FIL is difficult and she didn't really want to broach the topic with him, and left it until it was too late. That's his problem. Enjoy the event. It'll be great! |
Anonymous
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Is SIL the IL's daughter? That would explain why they're closer to her and her kids.
But I would focus on the fact that your parents are very involved and let the rest go. |